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Library, Saturday

Sholeh had been very happy to get a call that morning to ask if she could cover today's library shift. Not for any reason other than because she liked being helpful and enjoyed the library of course. There couldn't BE any other reason for her to want to get out of her room and go somewhere calming and relaxing.

Most certainly not because of any insinuations on radio today. That would be ridiculous! Presposterous! Utterly foolish! And, of course, wholly unnecessary, because she trusted Evan. Even if he was in some girl's room complimenting her flexibility. And offering to "spot" her. He was nice. Compliments and offers to help were just what he did.

See? She was completely unbothered. Totally. Undeniably. Completely.

*Sholeh, are you sure you're all right?*

"I AM FINE!" Sholeh snapped and then stomped away to load up the return cart. With possibly a little more force than necessary.

See? She was great!

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Oh, Sholeh. Evan chewed his lip, and then stepped up to her. Even from so far back, with a bit of stretching, all he needed was one step.

"I was complimenting her on something she's obviously worked long and hard at," he explained, gently. "Other people being flexible by human standards really doesn't mean quite the same thing to me."

Because Kathy could touch her toes to the top of her head, but Evan could tie his toes in knots.

Sholeh gave him a rather confused look--before quickly dropping her gaze to her toes and blushing beet red. "Errr...usually when someone talks about how flexible a girl is, it's not because it's a competition," she mumbled.

And then, just in case he didn't get it, she added, "I think some of the girls in that magazine were called flexible, too."

"They were," Evan confirmed, blinking, and then blushing a little, too. "Um... but that's not how I was thinking. She was doing warm-up stretches. For her gymnastics. And was touching her toes to her head from behind."

You really couldn't start a conversation with somebody in a pose like that without at least commenting on it.

"Which is more than most people can do, but I really just wanted to talk to her about class, not about the way she was stretching."

"I know, I..." Sholeh sighed again, hands twisting the fabric of her skirt so tightly her knuckles were white. "I know you didn't do anything wrong. I know you didn't want to and that you would never do anything like that."

But there was still displeasure clouding her face.

"I'm just...maybe you should go. I'm not making any sense to even me, so there's no reason you should stay here and get grumped at for things you didn't even do."

Evan swallowed at that, looking down at Sholeh with his teeth worrying at his bottom lip. And then he nodded a little.

"I guess, if you'd rather I go." He sighed and shrugged, sticking his hands into his pockets. "I love you, Sholeh. I just... I don't know. You're the most wonderful person in my life, though. Remember that, okay?"

See, she had been planning on protesting. Planning on explaining that she didn't want him to go, but that she totally wouldn't blame him for not wanting to stay.

But then he'd said...he'd said. "You...did you just say what I thought you said?" she asked, stunned.

Even her sisters were at a loss for comments. And, for Zeela at least, that was saying a lot.

Evan blinked back at her, confused, and then stopped and kind of re-played what he'd just said over again in his head.

Oh.

Oh.

"... I... I shouldn't have said it, should I?" He couldn't take it back. He'd said it and he'd meant it. He couldn't just take it back. "Should I go? I don't want to complicate anything, I know you can't--"

He blew it. He blew it he blew it he--

Sholeh was just going to sit down very heavily on the chair behind the desk. That sounded like the best idea right now. Sitting and blinking and trying to make words happen with her word-hole. But her word-maker was currently on the fritz which made words word wordly word.

"Love?"

Okay, yeah. That was another word she could word. That word was the one that was replaying quite loudly in her ears.

"Love," Evan murmured, nodding a little. "You've been everything for me, Sholeh. I mean, more than being smart and funny and gentle and patient with me. You've been there for me through the worst and when you get hurt I... I can't even think straight. You're the most important person in my life. I love you."

Might as well out and say it now. The damage had been done, what worse could he do?

=I think she's broken.=

*Be nice, Zeela,* Zhahar scolded, though she sounded uneasy. *This is a lot to take in.*

=I suppose we should just be grateful she hasn't, like, swooned into his arms yet or something. Professed her undying--=

*Don't even say it.* Zhahar's voice was cold and firm and even Sholeh felt herself shrinking back a little.

Mother only knew how that looked to Evan.

"I..." Blink blink blink. "I wasn't expecting--You didn't have to--I'm not even sure--" Babbling. Lots of babbling. That was the best she could do for now.

"I didn't have to. I said it because I meant it." And this would be so much easier if Evan's heart wasn't pounding in his ears. "I... don't need you to say it back. I know you can't."

He was going to just crawl under a rock and never come out after this conversation, okay? Could he do that? He couldn't even guess at what her sisters were saying, let alone what was going through her own head right then.

That was fine. Neither did Sholeh.

She'd gone from mad to bewildered to furiously happy to worried so quickly she worried she was going to get dizzy and topple over.

She knew that she should say something, she just wasn't sure what. "Evan," she croaked out. And the drew a blank. Rather than say anything further, she just reached out and slid her hand into one of his.

Evan was just perpetually stuck on 'horrified.' How could he just out and say something like that without even thinking? He'd be on the verge of just excusing himself and slinking away - he'd been about to - when she reached to take his hand.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, though now he had a tether, something to keep him from running. He closed his hand around hers. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this complicated, I'm sorry..."

Evan, honey. It already was complicated.

"Don't be sorry," Sholeh said quietly. "You don't have to be sorry. I'm the one who should be sorry. For being jealous and silly and now for not--not knowing what to say."

Was it okay not to be sure if you loved someone? She wasn't supposed to love anyone. Not a one-face. Not like that.

Not in a way that could endanger her sisters.

Not that Evan would ever want to endanger them. And not that they were, so long as they were here. But still. A lifetime of belief was a hard thing to go against.

=But who says those beliefs are right?=

*Everyone!* Zhahar protested.

Zeela snorted. =Still doesn't make it true.=

"I'm feeling pretty muddled. I think we all are." She gave him an apoogetic smile. She was pretty sure that in one-face families, the muddling was supposed to be between the two people whose feelings were on the line.

But the Tryad couldn't work that way.

"I kind of gave you all a lot of reason to be muddled," Evan replied quietly. "It's okay, you don't have to say anything at all. I understand. You've only ever been honest with me about that."

It stung, but it wasn't a surprise.

Sholeh looked up at him, fretful and sad. "I don't want you to think that I don't care... Because I do! I really do!"

But love was such a loaded term. Especially for her people. So she hadn't even let herself think about it.

"You've never made me think or feel otherwise," Evan murmured. "It's okay, Sholeh, you don't have to... I mean... I know, it's messy, and complicated, and I probably shouldn't have said anything at all."

But then he had and he'd cut out his own tongue for it if it wouldn't just grow back.

"Can I backtrack? It's too late to backtrack, isn't it?"

"You don't have to backtrack," Sholeh said quietly, bringing his hand up to rub against her cheek. "But...you won't be mad if we maybe don't talk about it for awhile? I need to think about it. Figure some things out."

On the plus side, she wasn't upset about the radio broadcast anymore!

Evan nodded a tiny bit, brushing his thumb over her freckles as he chewed his lip.

"Take all the time you need," he said. "I know you care. I don't need any more than that if it's not something you can give."

"If it's not, it's not because of you," she said quietly, looking into his eyes so he'd know she was being her most honest. "If there's anyone I could--it's you. If I can't, it's just because I'm scared."

"It's something that comes with a lot of scary things attached," Evan agreed softly. "And I'll keep that in mind."

He chewed his lip for a moment more, and then ventured, "Do you want me to not say it again?"

"I'm not sure," Sholeh confessed. "I felt really, really happy to hear it...but then I felt really, really bad not saying it back. How did you feel?"

"Kind of like I can breathe, now that I've said it," he admitted. "Like I've been holding it back forever, and now it's there. I'm just sorry that saying it made things difficult, too."

"I guess I was already in a mood to be difficult today," Sholeh confessed. "At least this is a difficult that you actually had something to do with."

"I've earned it, this way?" Evan was trying, and failing, to keep his tone light. But there was the attempt. See it? "I suppose it's a step up from not knowing what I've done."

No, not really.

Library, Saturday

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