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Library, Saturday

Sholeh had been very happy to get a call that morning to ask if she could cover today's library shift. Not for any reason other than because she liked being helpful and enjoyed the library of course. There couldn't BE any other reason for her to want to get out of her room and go somewhere calming and relaxing.

Most certainly not because of any insinuations on radio today. That would be ridiculous! Presposterous! Utterly foolish! And, of course, wholly unnecessary, because she trusted Evan. Even if he was in some girl's room complimenting her flexibility. And offering to "spot" her. He was nice. Compliments and offers to help were just what he did.

See? She was completely unbothered. Totally. Undeniably. Completely.

*Sholeh, are you sure you're all right?*

"I AM FINE!" Sholeh snapped and then stomped away to load up the return cart. With possibly a little more force than necessary.

See? She was great!

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"Don't be sorry," Sholeh said quietly. "You don't have to be sorry. I'm the one who should be sorry. For being jealous and silly and now for not--not knowing what to say."

Was it okay not to be sure if you loved someone? She wasn't supposed to love anyone. Not a one-face. Not like that.

Not in a way that could endanger her sisters.

Not that Evan would ever want to endanger them. And not that they were, so long as they were here. But still. A lifetime of belief was a hard thing to go against.

=But who says those beliefs are right?=

*Everyone!* Zhahar protested.

Zeela snorted. =Still doesn't make it true.=

"I'm feeling pretty muddled. I think we all are." She gave him an apoogetic smile. She was pretty sure that in one-face families, the muddling was supposed to be between the two people whose feelings were on the line.

But the Tryad couldn't work that way.

"I kind of gave you all a lot of reason to be muddled," Evan replied quietly. "It's okay, you don't have to say anything at all. I understand. You've only ever been honest with me about that."

It stung, but it wasn't a surprise.

Sholeh looked up at him, fretful and sad. "I don't want you to think that I don't care... Because I do! I really do!"

But love was such a loaded term. Especially for her people. So she hadn't even let herself think about it.

"You've never made me think or feel otherwise," Evan murmured. "It's okay, Sholeh, you don't have to... I mean... I know, it's messy, and complicated, and I probably shouldn't have said anything at all."

But then he had and he'd cut out his own tongue for it if it wouldn't just grow back.

"Can I backtrack? It's too late to backtrack, isn't it?"

"You don't have to backtrack," Sholeh said quietly, bringing his hand up to rub against her cheek. "But...you won't be mad if we maybe don't talk about it for awhile? I need to think about it. Figure some things out."

On the plus side, she wasn't upset about the radio broadcast anymore!

Evan nodded a tiny bit, brushing his thumb over her freckles as he chewed his lip.

"Take all the time you need," he said. "I know you care. I don't need any more than that if it's not something you can give."

"If it's not, it's not because of you," she said quietly, looking into his eyes so he'd know she was being her most honest. "If there's anyone I could--it's you. If I can't, it's just because I'm scared."

"It's something that comes with a lot of scary things attached," Evan agreed softly. "And I'll keep that in mind."

He chewed his lip for a moment more, and then ventured, "Do you want me to not say it again?"

"I'm not sure," Sholeh confessed. "I felt really, really happy to hear it...but then I felt really, really bad not saying it back. How did you feel?"

"Kind of like I can breathe, now that I've said it," he admitted. "Like I've been holding it back forever, and now it's there. I'm just sorry that saying it made things difficult, too."

"I guess I was already in a mood to be difficult today," Sholeh confessed. "At least this is a difficult that you actually had something to do with."

"I've earned it, this way?" Evan was trying, and failing, to keep his tone light. But there was the attempt. See it? "I suppose it's a step up from not knowing what I've done."

No, not really.

Sholeh tried to muster a smile for him. And also failed, but it was A for effort day, maybe? "I'm not mad at you for saying that," she offered. "I'm just...unsettled."

"I understand why," he replied, because... maybe if he kept saying that, something about this situation would resolve itself?

He dreamed big.

"Should... Should I give you some distance while you... sort this out? Or...?"

He'd said it once. And he wanted to say it again. And again. And again and again. And he couldn't.

Reluctant nod was reluctant--but also still a nod.

"I think so," Sholeh said, very quietly. "Maybe just for a few days?"

Say, till her birthday or something. That would work.

"Just while I figure things out."

"Okay," Evan replied, carefully re-claiming his hand. "I can do that."

He sounded so casual while his insides were twisting themselves into knots.

He was getting much better at that.

"You know where to find me if you need anything."

Another miserable nod. "I'll see you in a few days?"

Because she really did want to see him again. Just--maybe when she wasn't so confused.

"By your birthday, at least," he replied, just so that he wasn't an unwelcome surprise come Wednesday. "I... yeah. See you later, Sholeh."

He had apologized too many times already, and he couldn't say it again, so, eyes on the floor and resisting his habit of leaning in to give her a goodbye kiss on the cheek, he turned and headed for the door.

He had plenty of books in his room, he could read one of those, today.

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Library, Saturday

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