How to be Awesome | Week 3 | Period 6 | Mon. 7/20

[suit-of-awesome.livejournal.com]

Once again the class met as handwavily instructed in the computer lab. Barney was dressed in a tan suit with pink shirt and tie, ever on the prowl should one of the other, hot teachers be lurking around the building.

"There are certain points in the year when Fandomites may notice a decided lack of hotties out and about in the bars of this town. Research has led me to conclude that the chicks have simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet than at you and your cohorts." Barney paced the room, mostly intending this lecture for the supposed dudes in the audience who were lacking in many skills he thought every Bro could use, but that was an entirely different class.


Diversifying Your Dating Portfolio
"At times like these we must remember a gender studies maxim: Women are, if nothing else, cunning. With more and more women turning tail to various online dating platforms, it is the wise man who can alter his approach, tailor his game, and ultimately take back the night. As Charles Darwin sagaciously states in his first sentence of The Origin of Species: 'When chicks adapt, so too must you, if you wanna get laid.' He said that. I heard him."

Barney turned on the lab view screen to display a glorious table that would hold all the answers students could possibly need to gain the most from this class experience.

The Pros and Cons of Internet Dating

Pros	Cons
Attempt multiple approaches on the same target via multiple portfolios	Must remember assorted passwords / alter egos
Obviates need for wingman, allowing you to taste plumper waters without fear of ridicule	Without fear of ridicule, strong temptation to taste plumper waters
Able to surf through many more potential bunnies than at one pick-up location	Must click through many pictures for one revealing body-shape, leading to potential wrist injury
Women more emboldened to approach you	ALL TYPES of women more emboldened to approach you
Can vet cutlets online for marital history, prison record(s), hints of female activism	Google search may uncover her college lit mag or ill-advised blog, numbing sexual attraction
Include your own soundtrack on profile to help others get psyched	Must listen to others’ crappy music just to look at their pictures
Can send out offerings to numerous candidates in just one night, even while on other dates	Very difficult to ensure candidates are drunk when they receive said offers

"I have no research for where the dudes are so ladies, look around the room. See those dark, penetrating eyes? The serious need for a shave? Smell the potentially dangerous amount of cologne body wash? Consider this a sub-population of the men you're looking to bone in this town. Now, obviously it's not going to be too difficult to snare a dude, but you never know in the world of the internet so, without further ado, let's consider how to create an awesome online profile.

Your Profile
"Your online profile is your calling card, the way you represent yourself to babes across the land and seas. So it needs to kick ass. Profiles can be roughly broken down into two parts, the picture and the witty blurb. Both are important, but if you had to choose one to really nail, it should be both of them.

"First you'll need to choose a handle, which protects your privacy and allows you to pretend to be a vast number of different people at the same time. Any four-word phrase whatsoever makes a good handle once you remove the spaces. I have cribbed panty-melting handles from weather reports, Supreme Court decisions, and the backs of cereal boxes. In fact, "anyfourwordphrase" is a pretty sweet one. Dibs on that. Of course, if you pick "dying_2b_with_u" I'm going to call you a Twilight-loving twelve-year-old girl and send you back to the computer. Fair warning."

Your Picture (or a picture of some part of your body)
"A picture is worth a thousand words, and it's vitally important for luring in chicks who are foreign or can't read. The shot I most often recommend is the extreme close-up. An extreme close-up says a lot about you. It says that you are mysterious and artsy, and that you possess at least one body part. Plus, it's extremely flattering, capable of turning an ordinary dude into a smoldering sex god. Other good pictures to include in your portfolio are pictures of dogs and expensive cars. This ensures the full spectrum of single girls will be attracted to you. For example, this picture shows that this dude has a foot." The following picture appeared on the screen for all to see.



The Witty Blurb (dirty, oh so dirty!)
Brevity is the soul of wit, so don't be suckered by many sites' open-ended 'get to know me' formats into any unnecessary soul-baring. Now is not the time to explore your hopes and dreams for the future or ponder the lyrics to your favorite Tori Amos song. The stigma of Internet dating may be gone, but the stigma of being an irritating loser will never die. Instead, keep your profile Zen and uncluttered, full of white space and none of your own ideas. You can answer direct questions with vaguely-related quotations of famous dead people.

"Don't be too specific in terms of your likes and dislikes. You don't want to alienate any hot 19-year-olds just because they have crappy taste in music. That would be wrong."

"Now, I'd like each of you to create your own online profile and submit it to the dropbox by the end of class. The dropbox being my e-mail. Again, if you people have been in school this long and you don't know what e-mail is, well, you deserve to deal with the TAs. I will be at my desk IMing with hot girls from Sweden or Holland or wherever it is they wear the wooden shoes."

Students were then provided with an online form to complete because the mun is a dork:
<b>Username:</b> <b>Picture:</b> <img src=""/> <b>Age:</b> <b>Height:</b> <b>Religion:</b> <b>Music:</b> <b>TV:</b> <b>Who I am:</b> <b>Who I want to meet:</b>

[Course Information | Roster Also, credit for one line goes to rocksthescarf because she is the RL Barney.]

Comments

Sign In [Awesome W3]

[suit-of-awesome.livejournal.com]

Show off your sense of Awesome.

Re: Sign In [Awesome W3]

[cutsthestrings.livejournal.com]

Fiona Post

Lecture [Awesome W3]

[suit-of-awesome.livejournal.com]

React to Barney and his suits and the crazy things he says and poke your friends with wide eyes.

Re: Lecture [Awesome W3]

[cutsthestrings.livejournal.com]

...completely. insane. Oh the string of French she had for this situation.

And that didn't even include the comment about Darwin, because, well, no.

Re: Lecture [Awesome W3]

[youcantfollow.livejournal.com]

Feeling fairly certain that Barney was either insane or just really wanting to make everyone laugh and look like fools for completing this project, Griff listened to the lecture in an amused daze. It was better than yesterday's trip to the sex shop, at least.

Re: Lecture [Awesome W3]

[rocksthescarf.livejournal.com]

The sad thing? Chuck understood and agreed with everything Barney said.

Re: Lecture [Awesome W3]

[chic-harper.livejournal.com]

Harper was just lost. She stared at Barney with a blank expression.

Re: Lecture [Awesome W3]

[findingelena.livejournal.com]

Elena was listening, but not bothering to take notes. Really, if an attractive teenage girl couldn't get hits on an internet dating site, then she was doing something horribly wrong.

Re: Lecture [Awesome W3]

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

Alex hadn't ever had a need for a damn dating profile but the class was still amusing. He wondered if he could make shit up and see how many people fell for it in lieu of doing something for his actual self.

Re: Lecture [Awesome W3]

[future_sandworm]

They needed machines in order to flirt with people? Leto didn't even bother to shake his head.

Re: Lecture [Awesome W3]

[likes-chicken.livejournal.com]

When Barney hit the 'plumper waters' part, Hurley's expression soured.

Not cool, Mr. Teacher. Not cool.

Re: Lecture [Awesome W3]

[gudspellr-claud.livejournal.com]

This was gonna be *awesome*.

Why yes, Claudia had missed the point.

Re: Lecture [Awesome W3]

[inthereflexes.livejournal.com]

Barney was making sense. Barny was making sense to Jack. This was probably not good.

Re: Lecture [Awesome W3]

[yakkoyaks.livejournal.com]

That wasn't crazy. This was crazy: Yakko had a perpetual motion machine hidden under his desk. It kept spinning and spinning and spinning.

Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]

[suit-of-awesome.livejournal.com]

Discuss the lecture, share ideas, be totally confused by computers. Barney and his TAs are always willing to help if you get desperate.

Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]

[cutsthestrings.livejournal.com]

Fiona had figured out computers some weeks ago and so got to work on the assignment even though it made something in her brain feel like it was burning.

Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]

[youcantfollow.livejournal.com]

Griff was working to make the webcam take a picture of just his eye and kept blinking just when he'd given up on it clicking properly. He was starting to consider using a freckle on his arm instead.

Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]

[findingelena.livejournal.com]

Elena wondered if it was all right that most of the people she knew to quote weren't exactly from this dimension. Maybe that would make them sound exotic. She should invent some fancy Wutaian name and attribute quotes to that person, pretending that he was a philosopher whose work she was crazy about ... but really, that sounded like too much effort.

Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]

[fratboybitch.livejournal.com]

Alex didn't think things like 'fuck you' and 'fuck you very much' would work as usernames but that didn't stop him from scrawling them down as potential ideas for his profile.

Of course, the scrawling turned into doodles and other goof off things because Alex didn't really think he needed to put too much work into his profile. He was good enough without talking himself up.

Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]

[likes-chicken.livejournal.com]

Hurley wasn't finding this too amusing, but that's cause he was still a little upset from the teacher making a fat joke.

He worked on his profile, though. Just to show he could do it just fine.

Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]

[inthereflexes.livejournal.com]

Jack was scrolling through some profiles on some dating sites.


...Jack had a new hobby.

Turn in Your Assignment [Awesome W3]

[suit-of-awesome.livejournal.com]

Show off your final project!

Re: Turn in Your Assignment [Awesome W3]

[findingelena.livejournal.com]

Elena had to admit, the final result didn't look too bad. There was something to be said for artsy-sounding non-answers.

Username: idreamofsky
Picture:
Age: 18
Height: 155 cm
Religion: "A little fear will control the minds of the common people." -- Rufus Shinra
Music: Play something I can move to.
TV: Most of it doesn't impress me.
Who I am: "A professional isn't someone who sacrifices himself for his job. That's just a fool." -- Reno of the Turks
Who I want to meet: You. If you can make it worth my while.

TAs [Awesome W3]

[suit-of-awesome.livejournal.com]

Who hopefully can use technology.

Re: TAs [Awesome W3]

[notahostage]

Wendy may have been discreetly using her BTRS scanner on Barney.

She wasn't entirely sure he was human.

Barney [Awesome W3]

[suit-of-awesome.livejournal.com]

Who was serious about how he's getting dates online during class. He has no shame. He does, however, have a glass of scotch.

Re: Barney [Awesome W3]

[vanillajello]

At the end of the class, Kate came by to talk to barney. A penguin was peeking out of the bag she was carrying.

OOC [Awesome W3]

[suit-of-awesome.livejournal.com]

I loved this class back in the day so I shall feel no shame reusing it since I forgot to write the one I'd intended. OOPS!

Re: OOC [Awesome W3]

[rocksthescarf.livejournal.com]

lol thank you for the credit for my jackassery.