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fandomhigh2009-07-20 12:00 am
suit-of-awesome.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2009-07-20 12:00 am
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How to be Awesome | Week 3 | Period 6 | Mon. 7/20
Once again the class met as handwavily instructed in the computer lab. Barney was dressed in a tan suit with pink shirt and tie, ever on the prowl should one of the other, hot teachers be lurking around the building.
"There are certain points in the year when Fandomites may notice a decided lack of hotties out and about in the bars of this town. Research has led me to conclude that the chicks have simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet than at you and your cohorts." Barney paced the room, mostly intending this lecture for the supposed dudes in the audience who were lacking in many skills he thought every Bro could use, but that was an entirely different class.
Diversifying Your Dating Portfolio
"At times like these we must remember a gender studies maxim: Women are, if nothing else, cunning. With more and more women turning tail to various online dating platforms, it is the wise man who can alter his approach, tailor his game, and ultimately take back the night. As Charles Darwin sagaciously states in his first sentence of The Origin of Species: 'When chicks adapt, so too must you, if you wanna get laid.' He said that. I heard him."
Barney turned on the lab view screen to display a glorious table that would hold all the answers students could possibly need to gain the most from this class experience.
The Pros and Cons of Internet Dating
"I have no research for where the dudes are so ladies, look around the room. See those dark, penetrating eyes? The serious need for a shave? Smell the potentially dangerous amount of cologne body wash? Consider this a sub-population of the men you're looking to bone in this town. Now, obviously it's not going to be too difficult to snare a dude, but you never know in the world of the internet so, without further ado, let's consider how to create an awesome online profile.
Your Profile
"Your online profile is your calling card, the way you represent yourself to babes across the land and seas. So it needs to kick ass. Profiles can be roughly broken down into two parts, the picture and the witty blurb. Both are important, but if you had to choose one to really nail, it should be both of them.
"First you'll need to choose a handle, which protects your privacy and allows you to pretend to be a vast number of different people at the same time. Any four-word phrase whatsoever makes a good handle once you remove the spaces. I have cribbed panty-melting handles from weather reports, Supreme Court decisions, and the backs of cereal boxes. In fact, "anyfourwordphrase" is a pretty sweet one. Dibs on that. Of course, if you pick "dying_2b_with_u" I'm going to call you a Twilight-loving twelve-year-old girl and send you back to the computer. Fair warning."
Your Picture (or a picture of some part of your body)
"A picture is worth a thousand words, and it's vitally important for luring in chicks who are foreign or can't read. The shot I most often recommend is the extreme close-up. An extreme close-up says a lot about you. It says that you are mysterious and artsy, and that you possess at least one body part. Plus, it's extremely flattering, capable of turning an ordinary dude into a smoldering sex god. Other good pictures to include in your portfolio are pictures of dogs and expensive cars. This ensures the full spectrum of single girls will be attracted to you. For example, this picture shows that this dude has a foot." The following picture appeared on the screen for all to see.
The Witty Blurb (dirty, oh so dirty!)
Brevity is the soul of wit, so don't be suckered by many sites' open-ended 'get to know me' formats into any unnecessary soul-baring. Now is not the time to explore your hopes and dreams for the future or ponder the lyrics to your favorite Tori Amos song. The stigma of Internet dating may be gone, but the stigma of being an irritating loser will never die. Instead, keep your profile Zen and uncluttered, full of white space and none of your own ideas. You can answer direct questions with vaguely-related quotations of famous dead people.
"Don't be too specific in terms of your likes and dislikes. You don't want to alienate any hot 19-year-olds just because they have crappy taste in music. That would be wrong."
"Now, I'd like each of you to create your own online profile and submit it to the dropbox by the end of class. The dropbox being my e-mail. Again, if you people have been in school this long and you don't know what e-mail is, well, you deserve to deal with the TAs. I will be at my desk IMing with hot girls from Sweden or Holland or wherever it is they wear the wooden shoes."
Students were then provided with an online form to completebecause the mun is a dork:
[Course Information | Roster Also, credit for one line goes to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rocksthescarf because she is the RL Barney.]
"There are certain points in the year when Fandomites may notice a decided lack of hotties out and about in the bars of this town. Research has led me to conclude that the chicks have simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet than at you and your cohorts." Barney paced the room, mostly intending this lecture for the supposed dudes in the audience who were lacking in many skills he thought every Bro could use, but that was an entirely different class.
Diversifying Your Dating Portfolio
"At times like these we must remember a gender studies maxim: Women are, if nothing else, cunning. With more and more women turning tail to various online dating platforms, it is the wise man who can alter his approach, tailor his game, and ultimately take back the night. As Charles Darwin sagaciously states in his first sentence of The Origin of Species: 'When chicks adapt, so too must you, if you wanna get laid.' He said that. I heard him."
Barney turned on the lab view screen to display a glorious table that would hold all the answers students could possibly need to gain the most from this class experience.
| Pros | Cons |
| Attempt multiple approaches on the same target via multiple portfolios | Must remember assorted passwords / alter egos |
| Obviates need for wingman, allowing you to taste plumper waters without fear of ridicule | Without fear of ridicule, strong temptation to taste plumper waters |
| Able to surf through many more potential bunnies than at one pick-up location | Must click through many pictures for one revealing body-shape, leading to potential wrist injury |
| Women more emboldened to approach you | ALL TYPES of women more emboldened to approach you |
| Can vet cutlets online for marital history, prison record(s), hints of female activism | Google search may uncover her college lit mag or ill-advised blog, numbing sexual attraction |
| Include your own soundtrack on profile to help others get psyched | Must listen to others’ crappy music just to look at their pictures |
| Can send out offerings to numerous candidates in just one night, even while on other dates | Very difficult to ensure candidates are drunk when they receive said offers |
"I have no research for where the dudes are so ladies, look around the room. See those dark, penetrating eyes? The serious need for a shave? Smell the potentially dangerous amount of cologne body wash? Consider this a sub-population of the men you're looking to bone in this town. Now, obviously it's not going to be too difficult to snare a dude, but you never know in the world of the internet so, without further ado, let's consider how to create an awesome online profile.
Your Profile
"Your online profile is your calling card, the way you represent yourself to babes across the land and seas. So it needs to kick ass. Profiles can be roughly broken down into two parts, the picture and the witty blurb. Both are important, but if you had to choose one to really nail, it should be both of them.
"First you'll need to choose a handle, which protects your privacy and allows you to pretend to be a vast number of different people at the same time. Any four-word phrase whatsoever makes a good handle once you remove the spaces. I have cribbed panty-melting handles from weather reports, Supreme Court decisions, and the backs of cereal boxes. In fact, "anyfourwordphrase" is a pretty sweet one. Dibs on that. Of course, if you pick "dying_2b_with_u" I'm going to call you a Twilight-loving twelve-year-old girl and send you back to the computer. Fair warning."
Your Picture (or a picture of some part of your body)
"A picture is worth a thousand words, and it's vitally important for luring in chicks who are foreign or can't read. The shot I most often recommend is the extreme close-up. An extreme close-up says a lot about you. It says that you are mysterious and artsy, and that you possess at least one body part. Plus, it's extremely flattering, capable of turning an ordinary dude into a smoldering sex god. Other good pictures to include in your portfolio are pictures of dogs and expensive cars. This ensures the full spectrum of single girls will be attracted to you. For example, this picture shows that this dude has a foot." The following picture appeared on the screen for all to see.
The Witty Blurb (dirty, oh so dirty!)
Brevity is the soul of wit, so don't be suckered by many sites' open-ended 'get to know me' formats into any unnecessary soul-baring. Now is not the time to explore your hopes and dreams for the future or ponder the lyrics to your favorite Tori Amos song. The stigma of Internet dating may be gone, but the stigma of being an irritating loser will never die. Instead, keep your profile Zen and uncluttered, full of white space and none of your own ideas. You can answer direct questions with vaguely-related quotations of famous dead people.
"Don't be too specific in terms of your likes and dislikes. You don't want to alienate any hot 19-year-olds just because they have crappy taste in music. That would be wrong."
"Now, I'd like each of you to create your own online profile and submit it to the dropbox by the end of class. The dropbox being my e-mail. Again, if you people have been in school this long and you don't know what e-mail is, well, you deserve to deal with the TAs. I will be at my desk IMing with hot girls from Sweden or Holland or wherever it is they wear the wooden shoes."
Students were then provided with an online form to complete
[Course Information | Roster Also, credit for one line goes to
rocksthescarf because she is the RL Barney.]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
She didn't know you could not answer things if you didn't want to. She thought they were supposed to be short, evasive answers.
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
"Don't like much music?"
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
She swayed in her seat for a moment, thoughtful.
"There's something I can drink other than alcohol now," she informed him brightly.
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Though not MUCH more. Just some. She didn't want to even hint at an addiction to anything at this point.
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
"I went in the morning. I wanted to clear some things up, considering the whole... family thing."
No, she wasn't mentioning the portion that had to do with him or with love.
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
"She's a goddess. I'm a goddess. She's... not actually related to me, but there's enough stuff that's similar that I wanted to make sure she knew what was going on."
A moment's pause, and then--
"She's kind of disturbingly similar to my Aunt Dallas."
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
"So your Aunt Dallas is the goddess of...love and runs a sex shop?"
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Yeah, it was weird for her too.
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Oh man, she hadn't even told him about that.
"The one running the church actually broke a pane of glass when I mentioned my dad might visit again. Like... without touching it."
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
She couldn't help a little giggle. A totally girly little giggle.
"He said he does not 'freak'. But I call 'false'."
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
"Fallen, but yeah."
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
She nudged him.
"It's kind of weird."
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
"Some things, though, I'd rather talk about with you. Like... when and where we're going to go on that date?"
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
She'd talk to Zack sometime this week. She had no desire to play one of Arthur's little footsoldiers this Tuesday.
"Sure. We can do that. And I'll have to ask Aphrodite if maybe she has some of that stuff I could have."
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]
Re: Work on Your Profile [Awesome W3]