fandomhigh | How to be Awesome | Week 3 | Period 6

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how to be awesome

How to be Awesome | Week 3 | Period 6 | Mon. 7/20

Once again the class met as ~~handwavily~~ instructed in the computer lab. Barney was dressed in a tan suit with pink shirt and tie, ever on the prowl should one of the other, hot teachers be lurking around the building.

"There are certain points in the year when Fandomites may notice a decided lack of hotties out and about in the bars of this town. Research has led me to conclude that the chicks have simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet than at you and your cohorts." Barney paced the room, mostly intending this lecture for the supposed dudes in the audience who were lacking in many skills he thought every Bro could use, but that was an entirely different class.

Diversifying Your Dating Portfolio
"At times like these we must remember a gender studies maxim: Women are, if nothing else, cunning. With more and more women turning tail to various online dating platforms, it is the wise man who can alter his approach, tailor his game, and ultimately take back the night. As Charles Darwin sagaciously states in his first sentence of The Origin of Species: 'When chicks adapt, so too must you, if you wanna get laid.' He said that. I heard him."

Barney turned on the lab view screen to display a glorious table that would hold all the answers students could possibly need to gain the most from this class experience.

The Pros and Cons of Internet Dating

Pros	Cons
Attempt multiple approaches on the same target via multiple portfolios	Must remember assorted passwords / alter egos
Obviates need for wingman, allowing you to taste plumper waters without fear of ridicule	Without fear of ridicule, strong temptation to taste plumper waters
Able to surf through many more potential bunnies than at one pick-up location	Must click through many pictures for one revealing body-shape, leading to potential wrist injury
Women more emboldened to approach you	ALL TYPES of women more emboldened to approach you
Can vet cutlets online for marital history, prison record(s), hints of female activism	Google search may uncover her college lit mag or ill-advised blog, numbing sexual attraction
Include your own soundtrack on profile to help others get psyched	Must listen to others’ crappy music just to look at their pictures
Can send out offerings to numerous candidates in just one night, even while on other dates	Very difficult to ensure candidates are drunk when they receive said offers

"I have no research for where the dudes are so ladies, look around the room. See those dark, penetrating eyes? The serious need for a shave? Smell the potentially dangerous amount of cologne body wash? Consider this a sub-population of the men you're looking to bone in this town. Now, obviously it's not going to be too difficult to snare a dude, but you never know in the world of the internet so, without further ado, let's consider how to create an awesome online profile.

Your Profile
"Your online profile is your calling card, the way you represent yourself to babes across the land and seas. So it needs to kick ass. Profiles can be roughly broken down into two parts, the picture and the witty blurb. Both are important, but if you had to choose one to really nail, it should be both of them.

"First you'll need to choose a handle, which protects your privacy and allows you to pretend to be a vast number of different people at the same time. Any four-word phrase whatsoever makes a good handle once you remove the spaces. I have cribbed panty-melting handles from weather reports, Supreme Court decisions, and the backs of cereal boxes. In fact, "anyfourwordphrase" is a pretty sweet one. Dibs on that. Of course, if you pick "dying_2b_with_u" I'm going to call you a Twilight-loving twelve-year-old girl and send you back to the computer. Fair warning."

Your Picture (or a picture of some part of your body)
"A picture is worth a thousand words, and it's vitally important for luring in chicks who are foreign or can't read. The shot I most often recommend is the extreme close-up. An extreme close-up says a lot about you. It says that you are mysterious and artsy, and that you possess at least one body part. Plus, it's extremely flattering, capable of turning an ordinary dude into a smoldering sex god. Other good pictures to include in your portfolio are pictures of dogs and expensive cars. This ensures the full spectrum of single girls will be attracted to you. For example, this picture shows that this dude has a foot." The following picture appeared on the screen for all to see.

The Witty Blurb (dirty, oh so dirty!)
Brevity is the soul of wit, so don't be suckered by many sites' open-ended 'get to know me' formats into any unnecessary soul-baring. Now is not the time to explore your hopes and dreams for the future or ponder the lyrics to your favorite Tori Amos song. The stigma of Internet dating may be gone, but the stigma of being an irritating loser will never die. Instead, keep your profile Zen and uncluttered, full of white space and none of your own ideas. You can answer direct questions with vaguely-related quotations of famous dead people.

"Don't be too specific in terms of your likes and dislikes. You don't want to alienate any hot 19-year-olds just because they have crappy taste in music. That would be wrong."

"Now, I'd like each of you to create your own online profile and submit it to the dropbox by the end of class. The dropbox being my e-mail. Again, if you people have been in school this long and you don't know what e-mail is, well, you deserve to deal with the TAs. I will be at my desk IMing with hot girls from Sweden or Holland or wherever it is they wear the wooden shoes."

Students were then provided with an online form to complete ~~because the mun is a dork~~:

[Course Information | Roster Also, credit for one line goes to

rocksthescarf because she is the RL Barney.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Well, you didn't ask," he chastised lightly. Of course, he hadn't asked either or told but hey, there'd been other things going on the last time he'd seen her. "Ask me and I'll tell you all kinds of things I'm into."

"All right," Elena said, turning away from the screen to give him her full attention. "Tell me what kinds of things you're into. Kink, vanilla, turn-ons and turn-offs."

(SORRY, had to run errands zomg. BACK!)

"Let's see," Alex said, finishing one last thing on his profile before letting it be for the time being. "In the realm of kinks, I like control games, dirty talk, fun with roleplay, obviously, and dirty sex which basically means rushed, urgent, up against a wall, something like that."

And it was soooooo much fun when he got to do that.

"Vanilla, let's go with something like a slow seduction that leads to exhausting sex. even if that can venture into another realm.. Might have my moments. Turn ons: confidence, honesty, adventurous, and hot. Turn offs: schmoop, awkwardness and someone who wants to mother me.

He grinned, let his elbows rest on his knees and leaned forward.

"How's that?"

[no problem! i was commuting anyway!]

Edited 2009-07-20 20:34 (UTC)

Elena's grin was wider, now. "I knew I liked you," she said. "And I'm not just saying that because you're a great lay."

Although it certainly helped.

"Fast, hard, up against a wall usually works best when there's an element of danger," she said, leaning a little closer herself. "Anything you've got in mind for that?"

"Well, you know, there's not a lot of danger here right now," he said, lowering his voice since he didn't need to be loud, "besides the danger of getting caught. So, sex in public places is always good for that sort of danger. On the floor of a cabin alcove, outside a cabin, in a dorm hallway, anything like that."

Alex looked forward, not really concerned about anyone hearing him but he could do things for affect.

"And you do it fast so you can do it again a few minutes later."

"It doesn't quite have the zing of 'hurry, before the cops get here,'" Elena noted, dropping her own voice to a purr, "but if people were nearby, you'd have the added fun of trying to be perfectly silent so you aren't found out."

A damn shame they were in class. But that meant the conversation was a tease, and teasing had its own delights.

Edited 2009-07-20 21:10 (UTC)

"You think you could do that?" Alex asked, showing admirable restraint by keeping his hands to himself for the time being. "I've found very few that can when...properly stimulated. I don't know if I can believe you're any different."

"Have you done tests?" she asked. "Cross-referenced subjects' responses to stimuli? We could have a wager on it, whether I can withstand your worst. I should warn you, though. I'm stubborn, I'm tougher than I look, and I don't like losing."

"Science like that is a little too time consuming," he said. "And I could be spending that time doing far more enjoyable things. Like you."

Couldn't let that opportunity for an innuendo slip by. He'd have been kicked out of the gender.

"What sort of wager were you thinking of? Because, stubborn you might be, I'm thorough, determined and I don't like losing either."

Hell, he might have been kicked out of class.

"There are all sorts of wagers," Elena mused. "Straight-up money, and those are good when you want cash from someone, but they're less fun. Favors, sexual or otherwise. Humiliation, like making the other person wear a pink tutu in public and pretend they're a swan."

"Mmm, and you'd really be prepared to lose and owe me one?" Alex smirked at her, letting his massive ego do the talking. "I always collect on debts."

"I'm not afraid of you," she said, resisting the urge to close the distance. "Why, do you think I should be?"

"Wouldn't be the first time a girl's been afraid of me," he said, smug smile firmly in place. "I'd understand if you were. Happens to the best of them."

The smile flickered again, but faded into something darker. "I'm not," she said. "Not even close. But I'm not so sure that you shouldn't be."

Edited 2009-07-20 22:37 (UTC)

"I am not afraid of anything," he said, almost whispering it now, taking note of the reaction that had caused and filing it for later. "Those are pretty words but I'm sure that's all they are. Words."

Just as quickly, she slipped back into the role. Or maybe just the other part of herself. Turk, non-Turk, and Elena somewhere in the middle.

"Just like the profiles," Elena agreed. "Lots of pretty words, and in the end, saying nothing at all. I think this whole conversation has just been foreplay. Hasn't it?"

Edited 2009-07-20 22:56 (UTC)

"Yes, it has been," he agreed because there'd be no way to lie about that when it was so obviously true. "Words can be fun until you want more than just words, right? You want more than just words?"

"If we weren't stuck in class," Elena grinned, "I would have made that much clearer, by now."

Foreplay was all well and good, but it only took you so far.

"We're not going to be stuck in class all day," he pointed out and thanked any deity that was listening for that one. "And I haven't got anything for the rest of the day."

"Well, isn't that nice for me," Elena said, perking up considerably. She glanced up at the clock. Not too bad. "Because I haven't, either. Except I think this one guy wanted to lose a wager."

"Well, you can tell him you you have other plans now," he said because that surely was not about him, nuh uh. He would not be losing, if he could help it. "Well, at least, I hope you have other plans now."

"I seem to," Elena grinned. "Ones that start ... just about when class is over. Looks like the other guy will just have to get over it."

He was so going to lose.

"Too bad for him," Alex said, not sounding upset at all. Hey, he was the beneficiary, after all. "So, I guess that means keeping hands to ourselves till class ends, right?"

No, he was so going to WIN and win big. He was confident.

"And lips," Elena agreed. "And teeth. Eyes on your own paper until you pass the tests back up to the front of the class."

"Brutal," he said, sighing heavily but making a show of tucking his hands behind his head and leaning back in his chair. "But only for a little while longer. Just a little while."

Imagine that, he was going to abide by the rules so he could get out of there without getting in trouble. First time for everything.

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