fandomhigh | How to be Awesome | Week 3 | Period 6

Once again the class met as ~~handwavily~~ instructed in the computer lab. Barney was dressed in a tan suit with pink shirt and tie, ever on the prowl should one of the other, hot teachers be lurking around the building.

"There are certain points in the year when Fandomites may notice a decided lack of hotties out and about in the bars of this town. Research has led me to conclude that the chicks have simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet than at you and your cohorts." Barney paced the room, mostly intending this lecture for the supposed dudes in the audience who were lacking in many skills he thought every Bro could use, but that was an entirely different class.

Diversifying Your Dating Portfolio
"At times like these we must remember a gender studies maxim: Women are, if nothing else, cunning. With more and more women turning tail to various online dating platforms, it is the wise man who can alter his approach, tailor his game, and ultimately take back the night. As Charles Darwin sagaciously states in his first sentence of The Origin of Species: 'When chicks adapt, so too must you, if you wanna get laid.' He said that. I heard him."

Barney turned on the lab view screen to display a glorious table that would hold all the answers students could possibly need to gain the most from this class experience.

The Pros and Cons of Internet Dating

Pros	Cons
Attempt multiple approaches on the same target via multiple portfolios	Must remember assorted passwords / alter egos
Obviates need for wingman, allowing you to taste plumper waters without fear of ridicule	Without fear of ridicule, strong temptation to taste plumper waters
Able to surf through many more potential bunnies than at one pick-up location	Must click through many pictures for one revealing body-shape, leading to potential wrist injury
Women more emboldened to approach you	ALL TYPES of women more emboldened to approach you
Can vet cutlets online for marital history, prison record(s), hints of female activism	Google search may uncover her college lit mag or ill-advised blog, numbing sexual attraction
Include your own soundtrack on profile to help others get psyched	Must listen to others’ crappy music just to look at their pictures
Can send out offerings to numerous candidates in just one night, even while on other dates	Very difficult to ensure candidates are drunk when they receive said offers

"I have no research for where the dudes are so ladies, look around the room. See those dark, penetrating eyes? The serious need for a shave? Smell the potentially dangerous amount of cologne body wash? Consider this a sub-population of the men you're looking to bone in this town. Now, obviously it's not going to be too difficult to snare a dude, but you never know in the world of the internet so, without further ado, let's consider how to create an awesome online profile.

Your Profile
"Your online profile is your calling card, the way you represent yourself to babes across the land and seas. So it needs to kick ass. Profiles can be roughly broken down into two parts, the picture and the witty blurb. Both are important, but if you had to choose one to really nail, it should be both of them.

"First you'll need to choose a handle, which protects your privacy and allows you to pretend to be a vast number of different people at the same time. Any four-word phrase whatsoever makes a good handle once you remove the spaces. I have cribbed panty-melting handles from weather reports, Supreme Court decisions, and the backs of cereal boxes. In fact, "anyfourwordphrase" is a pretty sweet one. Dibs on that. Of course, if you pick "dying_2b_with_u" I'm going to call you a Twilight-loving twelve-year-old girl and send you back to the computer. Fair warning."

Your Picture (or a picture of some part of your body)
"A picture is worth a thousand words, and it's vitally important for luring in chicks who are foreign or can't read. The shot I most often recommend is the extreme close-up. An extreme close-up says a lot about you. It says that you are mysterious and artsy, and that you possess at least one body part. Plus, it's extremely flattering, capable of turning an ordinary dude into a smoldering sex god. Other good pictures to include in your portfolio are pictures of dogs and expensive cars. This ensures the full spectrum of single girls will be attracted to you. For example, this picture shows that this dude has a foot." The following picture appeared on the screen for all to see.

The Witty Blurb (dirty, oh so dirty!)
Brevity is the soul of wit, so don't be suckered by many sites' open-ended 'get to know me' formats into any unnecessary soul-baring. Now is not the time to explore your hopes and dreams for the future or ponder the lyrics to your favorite Tori Amos song. The stigma of Internet dating may be gone, but the stigma of being an irritating loser will never die. Instead, keep your profile Zen and uncluttered, full of white space and none of your own ideas. You can answer direct questions with vaguely-related quotations of famous dead people.

"Don't be too specific in terms of your likes and dislikes. You don't want to alienate any hot 19-year-olds just because they have crappy taste in music. That would be wrong."

"Now, I'd like each of you to create your own online profile and submit it to the dropbox by the end of class. The dropbox being my e-mail. Again, if you people have been in school this long and you don't know what e-mail is, well, you deserve to deal with the TAs. I will be at my desk IMing with hot girls from Sweden or Holland or wherever it is they wear the wooden shoes."

Students were then provided with an online form to complete ~~because the mun is a dork~~:

[Course Information | Roster Also, credit for one line goes to

rocksthescarf because she is the RL Barney.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Well, isn't that nice for me," Elena said, perking up considerably. She glanced up at the clock. Not too bad. "Because I haven't, either. Except I think this one guy wanted to lose a wager."

"Well, you can tell him you you have other plans now," he said because that surely was not about him, nuh uh. He would not be losing, if he could help it. "Well, at least, I hope you have other plans now."

"I seem to," Elena grinned. "Ones that start ... just about when class is over. Looks like the other guy will just have to get over it."

He was so going to lose.

"Too bad for him," Alex said, not sounding upset at all. Hey, he was the beneficiary, after all. "So, I guess that means keeping hands to ourselves till class ends, right?"

No, he was so going to WIN and win big. He was confident.

"And lips," Elena agreed. "And teeth. Eyes on your own paper until you pass the tests back up to the front of the class."

"Brutal," he said, sighing heavily but making a show of tucking his hands behind his head and leaning back in his chair. "But only for a little while longer. Just a little while."

Imagine that, he was going to abide by the rules so he could get out of there without getting in trouble. First time for everything.

"You just like the challenge," she laughed. "I should've played hard to get, but I'm not any good at it. Besides, if you play hard to get, sometimes nobody gets you."

"I'd jump you right now but the anticipation is almost worth not doing it," he said even if his fingers were itchy and he really damn wanted to. "And I'll get you later. For awhile. Until you can't walk."

"You are just asking for bitemarks," Elena said cheerfully. "Not the little playful nips, either. The kind where someone was hanging on and left bruises up and down your neck."

Now, it was a little harder to keep his hands to himself. He managed, though. "Promises, promises. And see, I dunno if you'll be asking for anything. Maybe moaning my name when I get your leg on my shoulder."

Hey, he could play the talking game too.

"Am I supposed to remember your name?" Elena said, dropping her voice again. "I suppose that's better than, 'So, whoever-you-are, sorry about those scratches. I didn't mean to draw blood, but I can't be held responsible for my actions if you're going to move like that.'"

Oh, she knew his name. But it was too fun to poke at his ego.

He could deal with the ego poking as long as she was prepared to take it as well as she gave it.

"Well, I'd have to be moving like that," he replied, keeping his hand clasped behind his head safely, "because I think I'd be doing all the work. But, really, I don't mind. I've taught the inexperienced before. Fumbling does tend to lead to errant scratches."

Oh. Ohhhhhhh, it was on, now. This was going to be fun.

"Oh, you're one of those guys," she said breezily. "You think that you being on top means you're doing everything, while the girl just lays there like a dead fish and stares up at you. Most girls aren't actually like that. And I hate to break it to you, but when they suddenly hiccup and flail their arms? They're faking. Sorry."

"You don't even want to make it to a bed, do you?" he wondered aloud, still quiet but not whispering. His fingers twitched again. "You're just asking for me to find the first thing I can to bend you over, aren't you? Then we can see how much you're faking it."

"I'd be happy with a wall," she grinned. "Although you sound all hot and bothered when you say bend you over so a desk sounds even better."

This class was entirely too long. Elena willed herself not to fidget. Because if she let herself fidget, she was just going to give up and pounce.

"I can work a desk," he promised easily. "I can work just about anything. It's just a decision of whether to use my hands, my mouth or my hips."

Still keeping it to a moderate R rating since they were in class.

"Or a combination of both. You can writhe, right? Maybe I'll go with my mouth first, just to see that."

Elena wondered if they were allowed to smoke in class. Probably not. Class had to be over soon, right?

"What sort of brazen tramp would I be, if I couldn't writhe?" she deadpanned. "I think if you fail Writhing 101, they give you your virginity back."

Alex decided to change courses for a few moments since they'd been doing so well with talking. He could go with not talking for a bit while he did something fun.

And, amazingly, it didn't involved touching her. No, instead, after a quick glance around, he stuck his tongue out, wetting his bottom lip once before he wiggled it at her and followed it up with a smile.

Barney rolled his eyes at the pair, calling across the room. "Elena, you should have better taste. Alex, my brother, nice catch! Air five!" He then raised his hand in a far away high five.

Edited 2009-07-21 02:06 (UTC)

Okay, there were two choices: she could either pounce him now, or she could turn back to her profile and pretend to be fussing with it. She was not going to be the one who couldn't make it to the end of class, dammit.

So instead, she swiveled her chair sharply and began tapping at her computer screen.

"Promises, promises ..." she grinned.

"I don't break my promises," Alex said, throwing an air five in Professor Stinson's direction before going back to his own work. See, he was totally conscientious. And dedicated.

And completely unfocused.

How to be Awesome | Week 3 | Period 6 | Mon. 7/20

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