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Journalism: Thursday, Period 4, Class 7

"Making it quick and easy this week. Horoscopes are crap, presented by charlatans, crazy people, Toby, and people who just have nothing better to do," Jonah said. "Astrologists claim to give predictions for people based on their birthdays. It's broken up into twelve signs: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces. It doesn't matter what they are or where they fall because it's all crap."

"So, to make all of our lives easier, just dive right in and tell everyone in the world what their futures are based on when they were born. And throw out some lucky numbers while you're at it. Get to work!"

[OOC: Oh, and if any of the tired, sexless students want to cause a disruption and get a detention, just let me know. :D ]

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Make up twelve fortunes for people. You don't even have to give the right signs. That's how much disdain Jonah has for horoscopes.

Warren didn't really have to think hard before he came up with twelve horoscopes.

Aries: Don't piss off Warren. He will burn you.
Taurus: Don't piss off Warren. He will barbecue you.
Gemini: Don't piss off Warren. He'll burn you twice.
Cancer: Crab bake. Seriously.
Leo: Piss off Warren, he'll light your hair on fire.
Virgo: You get burned even more thoroughly, because as a virgin, you have no idea why this week sucks so much.
Libra: If you bother Warren? Justice will be met. With fire.
Scorpio: You think desert heat is hot?
Sagittarius: Kill it with fire.
Capricorn: Kill it with fire and then let a goat piss in the ashes.
Aquarius: I don't care if you're a water sign. That's what oil spills are for.
Pisces: You're lucky fish are quiet. You get to live.

So far as Warren was concerned, they were really self-fulfilling prophecies.

"Too self-congratulatory and threatening," Jonah said. "Especially since there are a good number of people in the country who don't know a Warren. However, it is horoscopes, so a) nobody who matters really cares that much, and b) the people who care about this crap and don't know a Warren will be expecting to meet one any day after reading that. Decent job."

... Warren could live with 'decent.'

"Horoscopes are crap," he intoned with a shrug. "But thanks."

Worf made the same fortune for each one.

"Do not annoy the man with the forehead ridges for he will hurt you."

"Just like Peace's, too self-congratulatory, too threatening, and yours need more variety. I'll give you credit for being a little more vague so that it'll apply to more people, though," Jonah said.

Amber just needed a long nap. She had plans tonight dammit.

Aries - You kind of fail at life. Have a lot of sex, it will make you feel better.
Virgo - Go back to bed. If you haven't gotten any yet, you're not likely to in any near future.
Gemini - Your lucky number is 4. Go have fun.
Aquarius - Spring Break will be awesome for you. Watch out for the sharks, though.
Pisces - Reeses Pieces are yummy.
Cancer - There is no cancer in your future. Rejoice!
Leo - RAWR!
Scorpio - You scare everybody. What is wrong with you?
Sagittarius - You'll find love, laughter, and a new pocket book next week. Good for you.
Capricorn: Just do it. Whatever it is. Do it.
Taurus - That's kind of an ugly car, don't you think?
Gemini - You're way too shiny. It's okay though because everybody loves you.

Yes, she did Gemini twice and forgot Libra. Shut up.

Edited 2009-02-19 14:14 (UTC)

"See what you can accomplish when you're awake? Aside from missing Libra, you actually did pretty well," Jonah said. "Good job."

Claire could only remember seven of the signs:

Pisces -- You will sprain your ankle and limp all day. Wear better shoes.
Taurus -- You will break a nail. OW.
Gemini -- Watch for your own double.
Virgo -- Man, your life sucks.
Scorpio -- You'll have a really weird taste in your mouth all day.
Libra -- Don't go near the water. Take sponge baths.
Sagittarius -- Someone close to you doesn't really like you much.

"You missed a few, but since that might make people from the other five months realize that they have no future if they rely on horoscopes, I'll deal with it," Jonah said. "Halfway respectable job."

This wasn't too hard for Rikku; after all, she'd done horoscopes for a while there, for the paper, and had gotten good at churning out random ideas.

Aries: A strange man will offer you financial opportunities. Just remember: coins have two sides.
Taurus: The bull defends its territory, but at what cost?
Gemini: Some sunshine would do you good. Time to think about a vacation!
Cancer: He's just not that into you. Sorry.
Leo: Listen to your friends today. They've got the inside angle on that plan you're cooking up.
Virgo: Do something for you. Haven't you earned it? A nice, relaxing bubble bath might be just what you need.
Libra: Do your homework. This time, the teacher will be calling on you.
Scorpio: That girl you've been dreaming about? Ask her out, already. She's been dropping enough hints.
Sagittarius: Tell your mom you love her. She doesn't hear it enough.
Capricorn: Do something nice for your neighbors, or even your whole floor. Pastries are a nice way to show you care.
Aquarius: Speak clearly today. Misunderstandings can lead to hurt feelings with close friends.
Pisces: You will never, ever have sex again because this island hates you along with all the rest of us.

This was like fortune-cookies, only not quite as awesome, so Anemone hummed happily as she went about making stuff up.

Aries: Don't look under the bed.
Taurus: Don't wear red.
Gemini: Actually, you're the evil twin. Sorry.
Cancer: Beware of lemon juice.
Leo: Yes, it is.
Virgo: Sucker.
Libra: They're going to cheat, so don't do it.
Scorpio: I see lots of sunshine in your future. Take sunscreen.
Sagittarius: Keep your head down.
Capricorn: It's not chicken.
Aquarius: The leaky jug gets plugged, that's all I'm saying.
Pisces: You really don't want to to do that, but you're going to go ahead and do it anyway.

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Journalism: Thursday, Period 4, Class 7

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