fandomhigh | Library [09/25]

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Library [09/25]

It was a very annoyed Sam Winchester who opened the library in the morning. His date with Peter had been foiled and he'd gone back to his room feeling like a complete idiot.

And then he'd woken up with breasts. Again.

As much as he wanted to do nothing more than hide in his room, Sam took his job seriously enough to show up and get settled behind the desk. Without Dawn this time around, he had no access to girl clothes, so he'd had to do his best with the smallest clothes he owned. He hoped that if he stayed behind the desk, no one would notice he wasn't wearing shoes. Or a bra.

He could already tell it was going to be an unbearable day.

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"It's not just that he thinks I need them. It's that he thinks I want them," Jess said. "Specifically in the form of him."

"Okay, that's a good point number two: Peter is very loving, and he expects other people to want to be loved, or at least liked. The idea of loners, of people who like being alone, will never compute with him, so telling him that you don't want friends is just going to invoke the stubbornness because he's probably convinced you're wrong."

"He's totally convinced that I'm wrong," Jess said. "He keeps telling me he knows me when we've talked less than a handful of times and I do everything I can to not tell him anything about myself."

"That's probably not helping your cause either," Sam said. "You know he's empathic, right? I mean, he's really, really good at reading people. You might think he doesn't know you, but he probably understands more than you'd think, even if you do try to close yourself off."

Jess had to admit that a lot of this was finally starting to make sense. "He thinks I'm pathetic," he said, adding quickly, "and I'm not. He acts like I'm hopeless, like I have all these feelings and emotions that I'm dying to share, when I don't."

"Okay, here's two more things," Sam said. "First of all, Peter is the second coming of the patron saint of hopeless causes. If you've given him any reason to believe that you might need the smallest bit of help, he's going to try to help you. And second, part of being empathic is being emotional. He likes emotions, and he wants to talk about feelings. There's just no way to get around that."

"But I shouldn't have to!" Jess said. "You're making it sound like I don't have a choice, like I have to put up with Peter because he's latched onto me, and that's bull! I should get to choose who I'm friends with and who I trust."

"Hey, I didn't say you have to trust Peter. I mean, that wouldn't be the stupidest thing in the world to do, but..."

"That's what he wants. He wants me to trust him. He already said he trusts me," Jess replied.

"He did?" Sam asked, not feeling even the slightest bit jealous, oh not at all.

"Yeah. He said he knows enough about me to trust me, and that's crap. I can't guarantee I'll have his back if he's in trouble. What if it's something like those crazy people that were here this weekend? I'm not dealing with that!" Jess said. "And if he keeps trusting me, then eventually, he's going to want me to trust him too."

"And that would be bad? Peter's a very trustworthy guy."

"I don't trust anyone but myself," Jess said. "Hell, I don't even trust my own family. And I'm sure as hell not comfortable with anyone putting trust in me. I'm not a good person, and I don't know what I have to do to get Peter to see that. You see it, everyone else sees it, why can't he?"

"Because he's Peter," Sam said. He was tempted to not give Jess any more help, because really, someone who didn't trust their family was someone he didn't want to deal with, but Sam was hoping that getting Jess to calm down would help Peter as well. "He's blind to the flaws of others. It doesn't matter what kind of person you are."

The more Jess listened, the more Sam was making it sound like he had no choice in this, and he couldn't even describe how much he hated that. "I've screwed over a lot of people. They'd all line up and tell him not to trust me. Why isn't that good enough?"

Sam sighed, wondering if he really wanted to talk about this. In the end, he decided it might be the only way to really get Jess to understand.

"When I was a baby, my mother was killed by a demon, and to make a very long story short, there's a chance that someday, that demon's going to come back for me. And when he does, he's going to hurt the people I care about, and it's entirely possible that he's going to make me hurt the people I care about. Peter knows all of this, and his only reaction, no matter how bad things get, is to promise me he'll save me and that when it's all over, he'll help me pick up the pieces. That's the kind of person Peter is. Once he gets it in his head that he wants to be around someone, that's it, no matter how awful you think you are."

As soon as Sam mentioned the word "demon," Jess was certain Sam was yanking his chain. But he sounded so serious while he talked that he ended up adding demons to his list of weird things that might be true here, and what Sam was saying sank in a little.

"I just want him to leave me alone," he said, sounding a bit more worried about that than he'd wanted to.

"Why?" Sam asked. "I mean, maybe I'm biased, but why don't you want to be friends with Peter? I don't get it."

"He's not the kind of person I want to be friends with, okay? The people I like to hang out with, they don't ask a lot of questions about my personal life. They don't want to talk about feelings. They let my business stay my business, and for all that Peter claims he's not gonna make me talk? I know that's what he wants."

"And that freaks you out," Sam said.

Jess sighed and rolled his eyes, but in the end, he nodded. "Yeah, it does."

"Okay, look. You can push Peter away, but he's only going to come back stronger. You can lie to him and make up a fake life story when he starts asking for details? But he's going to know. If you want advice on how to get rid of him, you're not going to get it from me, because I haven't been able to do it either, and God knows there are times I've wanted to, for his own good." Sam sighed softly. "If you want though, I can try to convince him to lay off and sic his empathy on someone else."

"Thank you," Jess said, willing to let some relief show if it meant driving home to Sam how badly he wanted this. He got up, and pushed the chair back under the desk. "I'd better let you get back to your womanly duties."

"Bite me," Sam shot back, glaring a little again. "Try to remember what I said about Peter, okay?"

Jess wasn't sure if that would help, but he still gave Sam a nod before heading out of the library, and going off to class.

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Library [09/25]

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