fandomhigh | Library [Sunday, April 13]

"I imagi--" Adah swallowed hard, pressing her lips together, biting down hard on the lower one as she tried to continue. "I...imagine it wouldn't feel too dissimilar to what I feel right now." Her voice was just as quiet, but not as sharp, though she wished it could be. "For someone acting so offended at the idea of hurting me, you certainly seem intent on doing just that..."

"How do you expect me to react?" he asked, softening his voice. "How am I supposed to react to finding out you're expecting me to hurt you? That you doubt me? I really don't know what you expect me to do here."

"I didn't expect you to do anything," Adah said a little desperately, "because I didn't expect for you find out. Lee, I know it probably doesn't mean much to you right now, but just the fact that I trust you as much as I do is just...I've never trusted anyone before. Anyone. Can you even...can you even grasp what that's like, to never trust anyone and then, inexplicably, illogically, suddenly, start taking that kind of step?"

"No, I can't grasp that," he admitted. "I can't because I've trusted people. But, Adah, you don't need to test me and trick me and pay me back for things just because you want to prove yourself right. I'm really not a science experiment and I don't want to be tested like that."

"I don't like being wrong, Lee," Adah muttered quietly, head ducking a bit, "on even the smallest of issues. But, with this...." She sucked in a deep, shaky breath, "no matter what, I'm wrong about something, neither of them small issues in the slightest. At least this way I thought I could have a bit of control over one matter or another..."

"Your way might have given you control but your way also makes me feel like a giant ass," he told her. "And I know you didn't want me to find out but I did and it makes me feel like an ass. Because you expected me to forget or not care or whatever. And I didn't expect that."

The next breath that Adah drew in was even sharper; she was surprised, actually, that the skin of her lips hadn't broken from how hard her teeth cut into it from holding back the sudden urge for tears. But she never cried, or barely ever. In her memory, only once, and crying over this in comparison to that was ridiculous, so she wasn't going to let it happen.

"I'm used to being forgotten, Lee. I'm used to people not caring, or trying to forget me. You're an anomaly. You're certainly not an ass; it isn't your fault that you had the poor luck of having a cynical, untrusting bastard somehow falling in love with you, despite that she pretty much doesn't even believe in love..."

He took a breath and dropped his eyes, staring at the desk for a moment while he tried to get his thoughts together.

"You're not a bastard," was the first thing that he said. "Cynical and untrusting, yes, but you're not a bastard. It's very hard for me to know that you think I'm going to just end up hurting you. And that you're waiting for me to do that. It's really hard to know that."

"I can't help it," Adah said, words catching in her tight throat again so that it came out as barely a drawl of a whisper. "I'm sorry..."

"Yeah." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I love you. I can't stop that but I don't know."

Quiet for a long moment, Adah finally offered, quietly, "Think about it. Know that I already trust and love you in a capacity greater than what I thought I was capable of, and that expect it perhaps a faulty choice of words. I'm afraid of being hurt, but I'm willing to allow you a shadow of a doubt. If I wasn't, I'd have put an end to things a long time ago. Think about it. If you want, if you care enough, we can talk about these issues I have, but not here. Not now. I can't do it here. I can't even trust myself, Lee; you...you have to understand that the fact that trust you like I do...which probably doesn't seem like much right now, but..."

"I want to," he said quietly, looking back at her. "I want to talk to you and I want to hear it. Not here, that's fine. I get that. But, I want to hear it."

Adah eyed the Eel carefully, quietly, decisively for a long moment before she gave a nod. "Excepting my early class tomorrow," she informed him, "I'll be in my room practically all day tomorrow, and Tuesday. Whenever you'd like, stop by..."

She wanted to remind him that her willingness to even talk with him about this at all was a sign of her trust, but, well...if she was going to start showing that she trusted him, she figured trusting him to be intelligent enough to realize that without her badgering him on it was as good a place as any to start.

"I don't have classes till Wednesday," he told her, crossing his arms tightly in front of him. "I'll stop by as soon as I can, I promise. I'll be there."

"Okay," Adah said, nodding slightly. "I...should probably just get to work then, now, I...I guess..."

"Wait a minute," he said and came around the desk so he could be closer to her. He stopped, unsure of himself just for a moment before he leaned down and kissed her cheek, lingering there for a minute. "I love you, I do. You just need to know that."

The Eel's approach had Adah's shoulders tightening; she let out a slow breath to help her get over it, and, when he leaned in and kissed her cheek, she lightly closed her eyes. Her head tilted toward him as he drew the slight bit back.

It was selfish, potentially stupid, but, well, she was as well, so she quietly replied, a gentle, quiet question, "Say it again?"

"I love you," he said, finding her eyes this time, holding them. "I love you."

Usually, paralysis was something Adah was used to. Looking back at the Eel as she heard him say those words gave her a whole new sort of immobility. "I..." The attempt at more words semmed to just come out as only breaths at first, her chest burning with the tightness of the effort. "...I love...you, too..."

And, so help her, if he still wound up hurting her after all, after all this...the ice storms of Adah would rage through in bringing about the next damn ice age.

He smiled for the first time since she'd come into the library and stepped closer to hug her gently. "I'll come by. We'll talk. I promise. Try to trust me as much as you can."

The moment he was there with even the slightest hint of a hug, Adah leaned lightly into it, closing her eyes as her good arm wrapped around him in return.

Try to trust me as much as you can.

That was just the thing, though. She already did.

"It'll be okay," he promised quietly because it would be. Because he wanted it to be. Because, out of everything else in this damn place, he cared about her and he respected her and he wanted it to work.

Library [Sunday, April 13]

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