fandomhigh | Library [Sunday, April 13]

He's staring at the ceiling and spinning in his chair. So productive.

The library is closed except for other aides and the librarian.

He's moved on to light reading. Still with the spinning, though.

Having slept in a little bit longer than anticipated for her usual Sunday, Adah was a bit off her typical schedule that involved limping into the library before heading out for her clinic shift.

"We've picked the spinning back up, I see," she commented, blinking a little with a shake of her head because she got dizzy just watching the Eel.

"Nothing else to do," he said, smiling at her during one of his passes. "Passes the time."

Adah smirked a little wryly to herself as she thought she caught a smile in there, but she was trying not to pay the spinning too much attention, because her brain had a habit of locking onto that sort of motion and following suit. She tried to focus instead on a corner of the desk, but it wasn't much help.

"Well, I could stick around and visit for a little bit as an alternative to passing the time," she offered, "but I wouldn't want to interrupt such a productive use of it such as this."

And, because she'd been dying to know, her smirk sharpened a little as she added, "And how was the library Wednesday?"

Lee stopped his spinning by dragging one foot across the floor and tilted his head at her. "It was different."

"Different?" Adah asked, lightly, innocently enough. Now that the Eel had stopped spinning, she chanced to arch an eyebrow at him, although the remnants of motion were still swirling her brain a bit.

"You weren't there," he said, making a face at her. "You were gone."

Adah made a face back, a tight lipped attempt to look impressed while trying to keep down a smirk. "And you actually noticed," she commented, with an arch of eyebrow. "Good."

Not that she'd actually had a potential theory that he wouldn't have, or anything.

He frowned at that. "Did you think I wouldn't?"

"I had a suspicion," Adah admitted, with a slightly defensive lift of her chin. "You haven't exactly proven yourself to be the most perceptive person in the world, you know." She shrugged her good shoulder, eyes slipping away a little in her effort to remain nonchalant and unaffected by any of it. To hide the fact that she was extremely relieved that it hadn't gone the way her devotion to cynicism had predicted and to hide the fact that she was feeling bad about her doubting.

"So, by not telling me, you were testing me?" he asked, frowning again.

Adah didn't even need to look at the Eel to perceive that frown, and that wasn't helping. "That's right," she said, lifting her chin a little more. "If anything, I figured that if you got worried about the fact that I seemed to have disappeared for a few days, and no one save for Karal knew why, then at least we'd be even over the whole...angel statue thing."

She still hadn't gotten over how upset she'd gotten then, how worried she been, and she didn't think it was too much to ask to perhaps privately sort of want someone to someday worry that much about her. Not that she expected it, of course.

"Wow," Lee said and leaned back against his chair. "You were trying to pay me back for the statue thing?"

Adah shifted her eyes steadily to the Eel, fighting against the pulls of guilt that were making her crooked body shift slightly. There wasn't anything wrong with it; she couldn't help it. She never actually wanted anyone to care enough about her to be worried, and she'd never had anyone care about her enough for that. It was all foreign territory, really. Nor had she ever worried about someone like that before.

"A bit," she said quietly, "yes."

"All right," he said, keeping his face neutral. "And what were you expecting me to do?"

"The same thing I did then," Adah responded lightly. "Worry, wonder if I was all right..."

She bit a corner of her lip.

"Hate me for making you worry and wonder when you found out that I'd been fine the whole damn time, but be too relieved to see me that it wouldn't matter."

"Hmm." He rubbed a hand across his eyes and fell quiet for a moment. "The only difference here was that there was nothing going on the island, nothing for me to go on. So, I wouldn't have known if you were gone or hurt or you'd just decided to leave. You had an idea, at least."

"Well," Adah muttered contritely, "I didn't expect it to exactly reach the same heightened level. I just...wondered if maybe just...something would be there. That's all..."

The defensiveness was starting to grow stronger inside of her, and it wasn't helped by how difficult he was to read at the moment. "Maybe it was just stupid anyway," she quickly added, lightly shaking her head. It was, it really, really was. "It doesn't matter anyway; the leaving was a necessity, anyway. All this was just an afterthought."

"There is something here," he said, leaning forward and fixing her with a glare. "There is something here and if you don't think that I wouldn't worry or that I don't think about you or anything like that, then you haven't been paying attention the last several months. I love you. And maybe it's my fault for not saying it besides during that stupid song. But, I do. And I would worry if something happened to you or you left without saying goodbye. Stop doubting me."

And, for a moment, all Adah could do was stare at the Eel, eyes wide and face drained of color with her breath all thight in her chest. There it was, hanging right there in front of her, and wasn't that what she wanted?

"I have to doubt you," she finally said. "It's the only defense I have against getting hurt, Lee. I've never loved anyone before you, because all love ever did for anyone I've known was hurt them, ruin them, tear them apart. You can't trust other people, you just can't; I can't trust that you're not just going to hurt me. Even if you did, it could be something you couldn't even help. But, despite that, I still trust you more than I've trusted anyone in my life, and it terrifies me. I can't trust people; I can't afford it..."

Adah realized she was starting to shake, and tried to shake her head to get rid of the feeling. This was not the place to start having a physical breakdown to correspond with the emotional one, but, so help her, they had to go and be directly correlated.

"And I've never loved anyone before you but I know it's not all bad," he said quietly. "I don't know if understand how hard it is to know you doubt me. Or doubt how I feel about you. I'm not smart, I know that. Do you think I'm going to hurt you? Are you expecting it?"

Edited 2008-04-13 22:53 (UTC)

"I am," Adah responded, wincing slightly, words dry and sticking in her throat. "You don't understand; trusting...anyone..." She shook her head lightly, another wince. "It's complicated, Lee; I...we can talk about it, but not, not here. I don't need to have a goddamn breakdown in the middle of a library, and I still have work. I just..."

She trailed off, choosing to fight off the tenseness that the conversation was causing over bothering with words.

Morning

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OOC