fandomhigh | Ethics [Thursday, April 3]

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ethics

Ethics [Thursday, April 3]

Today the desks in Anakin's classroom had been pushed along the walls and replaced with cushy pillows and blankets.

"Today we talk about sloth," Anakin said, holding himself even more carefully and clearly uncomfortable with the very idea of relaxing. The students were certainly not expected to be held to the same standard.

"Originally, sloth was described as 'an uneasiness of the mind'," Anakin continued. "Apathy. Melancholy. Joylessness. And importantly, the decision not to do anything about it."

He shrugged. "The modern view understands that the mind is slightly more complicated than that and sometimes it is impossible to will yourself not to be sad. Instead, this sin focuses on the failure to utilize your talents and gifts."

He made eye contact with each student. "In a place filled with as many talented people as this one, I can view it as almost criminal to not live up to the potential each of you has. Today, pair up and talk about what your plans for the summer are, and how what you will be doing will be helping you in what you might think of as your greater destiny."

He waved at the blankets. "Or embrace your inner sloth and take a nap. Being tiny this weekend can be tiring."

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"Would you be able to live with it if you can't?" Anakin replied. "Force knows there are spots in my life I'd like to return to, to get things right this time, but it doesn't really work that way."

Lana shrugged a little sadly. "You can learn to live with anything if you don't have another choice. I've done it before and I could do it again. But if my friend says she could send me there - to the right place and time..."

She stopped herself, shaking her head. "It's a stupid question, I guess. If I'd never come to Fandom I wouldn't even have considered asking it. I'm sorry."

Anakin looked a little alarmed. "She said that? It's not exactly an easy thing to do."

Lana shook her head. "I haven't asked her yet. But I know she's done something similar before. I didn't want to ask until I was sure what I wanted."

Anakin was quiet for a moment. "You'd hardly be the first person going off to college looking for a new start," he said finally. "And if you went into the past, you'd be stuck. It wouldn't be fair to anyone, in either timeline, to keep checking up on you to make sure you'd made the right choice."

"And they'd feel they needed to," Lana said quietly. "You're right. It wouldn't be fair."

Anakin had spent far too long talking with Sam Carter. "And that's even before we get into time travel paradoxes," he said, smiling softly. "Which are enough to break your brain entirely. Stay with us, Lana."

"Does it get easier?" she asked. "Because I'm trying and I just... I feel like I can't fit in anymore no matter what I do."

"It takes a lot of time," Anakin said, "and some people will never stop seeing you as the person you used to be, which can beyond frustrating."

He stared at his desk for a while. "It's why I looked forward to new students," he admitted. "They don't know your baggage. They accept you for you who are now."

She nodded, looking terribly sad. "I'm sorry if I'm bringing up bad memories for you."

He waved it off. "I'm old," he said, eyes twinkling. "There are just a lot of memories now. The real friends will understand. The others, well, don't really deserve your time."

She nodded again. "They're trying. I think it's just hard for them to understand. Not just that I've been gone for two years, but that I was happy there. Happier than I am here. Happier even than I was here."

"It makes them feel guilty," Anakin guessed, "but you're in mourning, the same as you would for any other kind of loss."

She took in a sharp breath. "You're right," she said. "I hadn't thought of it that way, but yes, I guess I am. And I hate to talk to people about it because they seem to feel that by missing that time I'm saying they're not special enough and it has nothing to do with that."

"People, left to their own devices, can be astonishingly selfish," Anakin agreed softly. "Most of the time it's not about them."

"I don't think they mean to be," Lana replied. "They're just happy to have me back and they don't understand why I'm not incredibly happy and relieved to be back."

He smiled. "And you're too busy trying to make sure they feel okay to really tell them how you're doing," he guessed.

"Yeah," she said, ducking her head. "I don't want to upset them any more."

"They're your friends," Anakin said gently. "They're there to be upset if you're upset. Hiding how you feel does everyone a disservice."

"What if they really don't want to know?" Lana asked quietly.

"Then you might need to find new friends," he replied just as quietly.

"Maybe, but... how do you know when it's not just that you're such a mess that no one can deal with it? They're just kids." She didn't feel much like a kid anymore after everything. Not when compared to who she'd been.

"I know a thing or two about messes," Anakin said. "They're just...young."

He was quiet for a moment. "You could talk to me, if you'd like."

She looked up at him searchingly, hope warring with uncertainty. "Could I?" she asked carefully. "You wouldn't mind?"

"I wouldn't have offered if I did," he said, smiling.

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