fandomhigh | Ethics [Thursday, April 3]

Today the desks in Anakin's classroom had been pushed along the walls and replaced with cushy pillows and blankets.

"Today we talk about sloth," Anakin said, holding himself even more carefully and clearly uncomfortable with the very idea of relaxing. The students were certainly not expected to be held to the same standard.

"Originally, sloth was described as 'an uneasiness of the mind'," Anakin continued. "Apathy. Melancholy. Joylessness. And importantly, the decision not to do anything about it."

He shrugged. "The modern view understands that the mind is slightly more complicated than that and sometimes it is impossible to will yourself not to be sad. Instead, this sin focuses on the failure to utilize your talents and gifts."

He made eye contact with each student. "In a place filled with as many talented people as this one, I can view it as almost criminal to not live up to the potential each of you has. Today, pair up and talk about what your plans for the summer are, and how what you will be doing will be helping you in what you might think of as your greater destiny."

He waved at the blankets. "Or embrace your inner sloth and take a nap. Being tiny this weekend can be tiring."

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"I've done pretty stupid things to make sure I got noticed," Anakin admitted. "You don't need me to tell you how unhealthy that is."

She nodded ruefully. "Yeah. And if I'd had any doubts, the next day I got twin droid babies."

"But it's, I don't think it's about being noticed. I don't feel right here. I feel like this is the wrong reality. I don't have a family or a home and... the part I can't tell my friends... with one, maybe two, exceptions I don't have any friends here. Not real close friends. Just... acquaintances, people I know and get along with. Most of them I've known for less time than I was gone. I can't tell them that."

He hid a smile. "I'll pretend that I knew that was going to happen. It makes me look much smarter than I actually am."

He turned quickly back to the far more important topic at hand. "I felt a bit of the same thing when Rory's class graduated," he said. "My friends aren't on the island any longer."

"But you can still go see them, right?" she asked. "Almost everyone I've ever loved is dead or gone so far away I'll probably never see them again."

She looked embarrassed. "I know, there's a lot of people in worse situations than mine, but for some reason leaving Joe... I don't know, I guess it just sort of felt like my last chance to get the only thing I've ever wanted. Which I know is crazy, but I don't know how to stop feeling that way."

"It takes time, and it's very important that you don't let it eat you up," Anakin said softly. "When I left here after graduation, I was heading back to a place that was very lonely for me. Here...I had been able to forget my baggage and be accepted for how people saw me. At the Jedi Temple, it was the opposite of that. I grew very isolated, and very angry. When I found Luke's mother, I held on far too tightly. When she died, it destroyed me."

He smiled. "There are always other chances, Lana. It's just going to take a bit before you're ready to see them."

"I feel kind of like that," she admitted. "Isolated and sad and, I guess angry, too. And I feel like I just have to somehow find a way to be the old Lana or everyone will be disappointed in me and... I don't feel like I can afford to lose anyone else."

"I think I'm afraid to hope or believe in anything anymore."

"It's far more exhausting to pretend to be someone you're not," Anakin said, "than it is to just be yourself. You're not the old Lana. You've told them why. Trust them to be mature enough to accept it, or move on." He tilted his head at her. "You're not meant for a life of bitterness and regret. It's even lonelier than how you feel now."

And he would know.

She could feel her eyes filling at his kindness. "Okay," she whispered. "I'll try."

"There is no try," Anakin said, smiling. "Do it, or don't."

"I'm scared," she admitted, swallowing hard. "It seems like I fail at everything I do lately. No matter what I do. But I guess I'll just keep working at it."

"It's the only way it gets better," Anakin said.

"It would be nice if there was an easier way," Lana said quietly. "But I guess there never is.

"If it was easy, we wouldn't appreciate it, or learn anything," Anakin replied.

Her gaze grew a little wistful and faraway. "No, I guess we wouldn't. I must have an awful lot to learn."

She looked back up at him with a small smile. "Thank you," she said. "I feel a little better."

"Surprising as it might seem, that's what I'm here for," Anakin said.

"I suppose I've mostly thought of the professors as being here to help just with things related to their classes," Lana said with a shy smile. "Though there were a couple I used to talk to. Gone now, though."

"For an ethics professor, pretty much everything is related to my classes," Anakin said, winking.

She grinned at him. "I hadn't really thought of it that way."

"That's why I'm getting the paycheck," Anakin said.

"Good to know you're earning it," Lana said with another smile.

"Teach one class, hold some office hours, take the rest of the week off," Anakin teased. "It's not hard."

"Maybe I should change my career plans," Lana said with another grin. "Your way sounds much easier."

"And that's before I tell you about tossing people into detention for being annoying," he said.

"Wow... the power," she said with a grin. "So much more than I ever dreamed of when I was waitressing in a diner."

Ethics [Thursday, April 3]

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