fandomhigh | Ethics [Thursday, April 3]

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ethics

Ethics [Thursday, April 3]

Today the desks in Anakin's classroom had been pushed along the walls and replaced with cushy pillows and blankets.

"Today we talk about sloth," Anakin said, holding himself even more carefully and clearly uncomfortable with the very idea of relaxing. The students were certainly not expected to be held to the same standard.

"Originally, sloth was described as 'an uneasiness of the mind'," Anakin continued. "Apathy. Melancholy. Joylessness. And importantly, the decision not to do anything about it."

He shrugged. "The modern view understands that the mind is slightly more complicated than that and sometimes it is impossible to will yourself not to be sad. Instead, this sin focuses on the failure to utilize your talents and gifts."

He made eye contact with each student. "In a place filled with as many talented people as this one, I can view it as almost criminal to not live up to the potential each of you has. Today, pair up and talk about what your plans for the summer are, and how what you will be doing will be helping you in what you might think of as your greater destiny."

He waved at the blankets. "Or embrace your inner sloth and take a nap. Being tiny this weekend can be tiring."

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She took in a sharp breath. "You're right," she said. "I hadn't thought of it that way, but yes, I guess I am. And I hate to talk to people about it because they seem to feel that by missing that time I'm saying they're not special enough and it has nothing to do with that."

"People, left to their own devices, can be astonishingly selfish," Anakin agreed softly. "Most of the time it's not about them."

"I don't think they mean to be," Lana replied. "They're just happy to have me back and they don't understand why I'm not incredibly happy and relieved to be back."

He smiled. "And you're too busy trying to make sure they feel okay to really tell them how you're doing," he guessed.

"Yeah," she said, ducking her head. "I don't want to upset them any more."

"They're your friends," Anakin said gently. "They're there to be upset if you're upset. Hiding how you feel does everyone a disservice."

"What if they really don't want to know?" Lana asked quietly.

"Then you might need to find new friends," he replied just as quietly.

"Maybe, but... how do you know when it's not just that you're such a mess that no one can deal with it? They're just kids." She didn't feel much like a kid anymore after everything. Not when compared to who she'd been.

"I know a thing or two about messes," Anakin said. "They're just...young."

He was quiet for a moment. "You could talk to me, if you'd like."

She looked up at him searchingly, hope warring with uncertainty. "Could I?" she asked carefully. "You wouldn't mind?"

"I wouldn't have offered if I did," he said, smiling.

"I'd like that," she said quietly.

His smile grew a little warmer. "Go ahead, then," he urged. "Vent. I promise you'll feel better."

"I miss him so much," she whispered. "Joe. The man I was supposed to marry. It hurts. And lately I can't stop thinking that if I'd just hung on a little longer, tried a little harder, we could have fixed things."

Anakin nodded, looking sympathetic. "What was he like?"

Lana ducked her head and smiled, playing with the engagement ring that was still on her finger. "He was wonderful. Smart, funny, kind, hard working. He was a foreman on one of the construction crews building the Empire State building when I met him. He used to come into the diner almost every morning, bring me some little silly thing - a pebble, a feather, an acorn... even before I started going with him. And he could always make me laugh."

"He sounds like a good man," Anakin said, smiling back. "Do you have a little Joe voice in your head, giving you advice?"

Not that he often listened to his Padmé voice...

"How did you know?" she asked, looking startled. "I can hear him all the time."

"My first wife still talks to me," he admitted, "and my best friend, and they've both been gone for years."

She nodded. "I keep thinking that if I'd just stayed, given him a little more time, that we'd have worked things out. I know we would have been happy together."

"Here... I just keep screwing up."

"Or maybe you're being a little hard on yourself because you're trying to live up to a hypothetical," Anakin countered quietly.

"I slept with someone I didn't even know!" she said, then blushed furiously.

"I just... that's not me. It's not who I wanted to be, but I'm still... It makes me feel real. Like I still exist here."

"I've done pretty stupid things to make sure I got noticed," Anakin admitted. "You don't need me to tell you how unhealthy that is."

She nodded ruefully. "Yeah. And if I'd had any doubts, the next day I got twin droid babies."

"But it's, I don't think it's about being noticed. I don't feel right here. I feel like this is the wrong reality. I don't have a family or a home and... the part I can't tell my friends... with one, maybe two, exceptions I don't have any friends here. Not real close friends. Just... acquaintances, people I know and get along with. Most of them I've known for less time than I was gone. I can't tell them that."

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