fandomhigh | Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way #4, Monday, Period 3

GOB walked up to the now common sight of the dry erase board covered with a sheet. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and sweater combination to project an aura of responsibility. That may have been a mistake during the middle of summer.

"Well, children," he said, trying to exude the air of a children's show host, albeit one who the state had to warn the people in the neighborhood about due to Megan's Law, "I just wanted to remind you what we're all doing here. I'm here to teach you how to be responsible if you give into your hormones and try to screw each other like animals. I'm not trying to promote it, I'm just trying to teach you how to do it safely and intelligently. After all, the only thing I really want is to make sure that you all grow up to be responsible adults."

"That's why today we'll be discussing safe sex. Specifically..." GOB pulled the sheet off the board, revealing the lesson name, "Ways to Avoid Concussions During Sex."

The sad part was that GOB was trying to be sincere in giving the students a lesson in safety and responsibility today.

"There are about three times as many ways to avoid concussions as there are to cause them. And there are five ways to cause them during sex, so that should give us about 13 ways to prevent them." GOB's math was impeccable. "To keep this nice and easy, let's look at the ways that you can get a concussion during sex."

"First, head to head contact. No, I'm not talking about when two gay guys have unintentional crotch-to-crotch contact," GOB said. It was a joke. He was being lighthearted and friendly, but responsible. "No, this is when you're either not paying attention or you're just going loose above the shoulders and you and your partner commit what is called a 'Headbutt of Passion,' which is not what it sounds like." What is sounds like to GOB, that is. "The skull is the hardest bone in the body, but your brain is loose inside of it. So when two heads butt, your brains slosh around and it isn't pleasant. Unless you're into that kind of thing.."

"The second method is hitting your head on the wall or a headboard. This usually happens when the person on top isn't paying attention to their surroundings and gets too close to a hard surface. This is why you should never have sex in a room with an exposed brick wall without first scouting the room out. Brick walls hurt. Remember that."

"The third thing that could cause a concussion is having a partner who is into way rougher stuff than you were expecting. They may try to hit you with various things to help them get off, including clubs, individual bricks, passionate midgets, or their own impressive upper body strength into a punch. These people are dangerous, but you don't usually know it until you're both naked and they have a baton strapped to their leg."

"The fourth method involves debris falling from the ceiling. This will usually happen in older buildings with poorly constructed ceilings. Just noting here, if a ceiling collapses on you, you're not meant to get lucky that night. That's just a fact of nature."

"The fifth and final method of getting a concussion during sex only happens when you're outdoors and you're unlucky enough to be in the path of some kind of large animal, like a moose. Mooses hurt."

"Today you'll be breaking into groups of three and focusing on one of our five ways of getting a concussion during sex. You'll be coming up with a list of ways to prevent concussions from the way you choose. Remember, there are only three right prevention methods for each way, so think about it really hard and turn in a list of your three ways at the end of the day."

[OOC: Standard stuff blah blah blah.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Wild Animals, Such As Mooses

Please discuss ways to prevent rampaging wild animal-based concussions during sex. You may submit five answers. If three of them are the methods GOB knows, then you get something.

Isabel waited for a partner. Somehow this seemed like the topic that would cause the least amount of flailing.

"Don't have sex in the woods?" Door suggests.

"That was going to be my first suggestion," Isabel nodded. "Or at least if you are? Make sure it's not mating season for the native species."

"Or find a cabin." Door frowns. "That you're not sharing with seven other people."

"Oh my god yes!" she laughed. "Fortunately my cabin's been very well behaved. We're all either single or well, not that serious. I think the most that's happened is some snuggling "

"Robin the frog lives in my cabin. I think most of us would be scared of corrupting him!"

"Robin the frog? We've got frogs as well as turtles?" Isabel asked.

Doro nods. "He's wee!" She indicates his size with her hands. "Which is obviously not as wee as a regular frog, but... wee-er than most students."

"Just when I think this school can't get any weirder," she said, shaking her head. "So what do you think? Other ways to avoid getting a concussion while having sex in the wild? Maybe make sure your cologne can't be mistaken for eau de lady grizzly?"

"Don't look or smell like a wild animal. Oooh! Or make sounds like one."

Isabel glanced at GOB and shuddered. "And my brain just went to a bad, bad place."

"Quick, think of Alec with no shirt!"

"Alec and Dean?" she chuckled. "That's a much, much happier place."

"Ooh, I've got another one - make sure you've got a bigger, stronger partner to stand metween you and the rampaging moose."

"But preferebly someone someone you don't mind sacrificing," Isabel agreed.

"True. Though would you want to be having sex with somebody like that?" Door glances over at GOB. "I have the feeling that answer would work for him, though."

"Yeah," she sighed, "I guess you do have a point. I guess that means we need to pack weapons if we want to keep our partnere alive."

"Or charms for the pacification of animals. Maybe some music to play for them!"

"Music soothes the savage beast. Good idea," Isabel laughed. "And god forbid if we were ever trapped somewhere with him, well maybe it would get him to pass out before we had to knock him out."

"You could also make sure there was a lady moose nearby, or vice versa, I suppose. To distract them from ever coming near you."

"You know? This is starting to sound like too much work. I think I'll just stay indoors," she said. "Much easier and less stressful."

Door nods. "As long as you don't have sex at the zoo."

"Given the number pets floating around, that might mean the dorm's off limits as well," Isabel pointed out.

"I don't think we'd have to worry about any of the pets allowed in school being big enough to cause head injuries if they interrupt you during sex," Door answers.

Re: Method 5

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