fandomhigh | Careers Fair, Fandom High Front Lawn, Friday Afternoon, 07/21/06

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!event: friday events

Careers Fair, Fandom High Front Lawn, Friday Afternoon, 07/21/06

By lunch time, the booths were set up, the guests had arrived and there was quaint music playing from somewhere undetermined. Hawkeye is walking around with one of those portable microphone/speaker set-ups, roaming from booth to booth announcing the various guests that have come to Fandom to talk about their professions.

And despite what the mainland weather forecast said, it was definitely a nice, fine day.

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"I'm right-handed. Will this make me a less efective businesswoman?" Rory asked solemnly.

"Not at all," Ned says cheerfully. "Only the evils of our culture will prevent someone from becoming a good business person!"

"Evils?" she asked. "Like oppression and ignorance and lack of fair pay?"

"No, no, no," Ned says, laughing that off. "Like people who insist on bring s-e-x into a place of business."

"Sex is an unavoidable issue, though," she pointed out. "It's used unconsciously in everything from advertising to the news."

Ned might look a little red in the face. "And it makes everything eeeeeevil."

"Sex isn't evil," Rory said, going very red herself. "It's an expression of the body."

"Well, I think expression of the body can occur in much more not evil instances," Ned says. "Like pototo sack races!"

"Potato sack races can be sexual, sir," Rory pointed out.

Ned puts one hand to his head and tries not to faint.

He would've run to call Reverend Lovejoy but the last time he'd called, the Reverend said that would be his only allowed call of the day.

"Excuse me for one moment."

And, Ned's off again, down the hall and to the pay phone. He dials a number.

"Homer? It's Ned Flanders."

Ned immediately thrusts the phone away from his ear as Homer burps loudly. After waiting for it to subside, he asks, "This school is full of sex! What should I do?"

Pause.

"No, I am not going to get Maude and join the sex crowd. Stop burping in my ear!"

When Homer doesn't stop, Ned hangs up and returns to his booth. "You sure do know a lot about s-e-x. But how much do you know about...left handed razors?"

Normally she wouldn't have said it.

But it was really too funny not to.... "Is that a euphemism?"

"Right as rain," Ned says, missing the innuendo. "It's an euphemism for too much hair!"

"How does it differ from a right handed razor?" she asked with a sigh.

"I happen to have one right diddily here," Ned says, producing a pink razor from his bag. "Should I demonstrate?"

"...sure," Rory said, nodding.

"Right-o," Ned says and rolls up one of his pants leg. He takes the razor in one hand and says, "Now, if you notice, if this was a right handed razor, I'd be having a dilly of a time not cutting an artery. With my handy dandy left handed razor..." He stops and actually shaves a patch of hair from his leg. "No artery gushing!"

"But I'm right handed. If I use a left handed razor, will I have artery gushing?" she asked curiously.

"It's a very real possibility," Ned tells her. "If that should happen, just tuck n' roll and everything will be a-okay!"

"Tuck n' roll? Like with a fire?" she asked, confused.

"Yes, in-deedly-do," Ned says. "And then go to church!"

"I don't go to church," she said.

"Oh dear heavens," Ned says, fanning himself. "Why the heck not?"

"I don't practice a religion, really," she said, shrugging. "I think we're Episcopalian. But I'm not even sure that I believe in God, really."

Ned twitches. And twitches again.

"I feel faint," he says, wobbling again. "First, sex and now this. Oh, dear dear dear."

"Would you like some water or something, sir?" she offered.

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