fandomhigh | Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

"Okay so, romance is really complicated," Navaan said once she got around to starting class, whenever that turned out to be. "Like, waaaaaay more complicated than sex. Even flang! So, like, the smart thing to do would be to stop worrying about romance and just go for sex, but most of you have that shiny virgin thing going on so that's probably a non-starter." She sighed. "Anyway, how do I know romance is more complicated than sex? Well, for one thing, I'm smart. I'm both a doctor AND a romance novelist-slash-smut peddler, so I know what I'm about. But also, love has different languages. Sex doesn't! You don't even need to speak the same language to have sex! But 'love'--" and yes, she was doing finger quotes there "--apparently needs five and if you don't speak the same one your partner or -ners do, your relationship is horribly doomed and you'll die alone forever."

A beat.

"Also not a problem with sex, I'm just saying."

You know, in case anyone was missing the point that sex was better than romance any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

"So anyway, the five love languages are Gift-Giving, for when you or your person are spoiled rotten; Physical Touch, for all you horndogs out there; Acts of Service, for all you kinky horndogs, Words of Affirmation, for you dirty-talkers and people with praise kinks particularly, and...the other one." Which she couldn't be bothered to remember because it hadn't been sexy enough.

"So we're gonna spend the rest of the workshop talking about these languages so all you little kinksters can figure out what floats your boat so that if you one day decide to actually put some effort into your relationship, you might actually not flame out horribly and embarrass yourself so badly that your shame will follow you for forever. That happens sometimes. I've seen it."

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Alone Forever (because you didn't take this class seriously!)

Really stretching the definition of 'lecture,' but sure!

Take the love languages breakdown quiz to see what your love languages are!

For funsies, you can also take it for the person you're crushing on/sleeping with/in a relationship with/pining from afar for and see how terribly incompatible you are!

You do you, boo.

This would have been up sooner but I got caught up in taking it for all my characters.

I regret nothing

Kamala Khan

Okay. At least this lecture did not make her want to hide behind Cal. Maybe this class will not make her feel incredibly awkward.

"Ooookay," Kamala said taking a look at the love language quiz results. "Apparently I am a fan of quality time."

Which of course is the one that Navaan thought was useless.

"And, you know what? I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Just spending time with people you care about can be very rewarding."

"Is that a real thing?" Navaan asked, because it sounded sus. "Or just a nice way to say you're needy for attention?"

"I'm not needy for attention!"

Then less than a second later:

"Oh my God, am I needy for attention?"

For a class about romance, this class was giving Kamala a lot of identity issues.

Navaan shrugged. "I dunno, kid, that sounds like a question only time and self-reflection can answer." She considered it--and Kamala. "You do kinda give off some kinda vibe, though..."

"I do?" Kamala asked/exclaimed.

...

"What vibe is vibing that I'm that way?"

"A kindaaaa...'look what I can do' mixed with a 'let me tell you all about my special interest' vibe?" Navaan hazards.

"... Is this a romance class or some kind of weird therapy disguised as a romance class?"

Gray

"Aw, I got the boring one," Gray said. "But that tracks." He lost so much time to Sloth that he really did value the time with his loved ones that his sin allowed him to have. "But I also scored pretty high on receiving gifts, which, duh. Who doesn't like gifts?"

"Enh, that's romance," Navaan said. "Figure out all the shit that's wrong with you and decide whether or not you wanna inflict that on another person. And then try to find another person either willing to put up with it or is fucked up in the same ways."

"All right, so it sounds like you're looking for a sugardaddy," Navaan said. "No shame in that. Rich and happy enough to have a sweet young thing around to pay attention to you whenever."

"Oh, my brother is already my sugar daddy." Wait. No. "That came out wrong." Galen and Castor had had a fling once upon a time, so pseudo-incest was not entirely off the table here, but Castor, the family's money man, was, like Gray, an avowed bottom, so that would never work. "I meant that I already have money from my family. I can be my partner's sugar daddy and then he can buy me presents with my family's money. That works." Just as long as he got presents.

Anakin Skywalker

And now Kamala was wondering if she needed to have a talk with Eleanor about her stuff.

“This is not what I’ve seen in the movies.”

Anakin already had a terrible feeling about sharing his results, but he probably had to set a good example anyway, right? "I like acts of service," he said.

I am also taking it for all of my characters and I'm just like, "Oh, y'all need therapy therapy."

But we knew that already.

"Bestiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!" Navaan cried, as he really should have guessed she would. "I missed you last week! We were making seduction outfits and it would have been nice to see you when you made even a little bit of an effort." She gestured at his depression robes. And also the rest of him. "And, eyyyyy...kinky bitch, huh? I pretty much knew it. Are you the giv-er? Or the giv-ee?"

"Oh yeah, cause movies are soooooo realistic," Navaan said, rolling her eyes.

Trust the doctor, Kamala.

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Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

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