fandomhigh | Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

"Okay so, romance is really complicated," Navaan said once she got around to starting class, whenever that turned out to be. "Like, waaaaaay more complicated than sex. Even flang! So, like, the smart thing to do would be to stop worrying about romance and just go for sex, but most of you have that shiny virgin thing going on so that's probably a non-starter." She sighed. "Anyway, how do I know romance is more complicated than sex? Well, for one thing, I'm smart. I'm both a doctor AND a romance novelist-slash-smut peddler, so I know what I'm about. But also, love has different languages. Sex doesn't! You don't even need to speak the same language to have sex! But 'love'--" and yes, she was doing finger quotes there "--apparently needs five and if you don't speak the same one your partner or -ners do, your relationship is horribly doomed and you'll die alone forever."

A beat.

"Also not a problem with sex, I'm just saying."

You know, in case anyone was missing the point that sex was better than romance any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

"So anyway, the five love languages are Gift-Giving, for when you or your person are spoiled rotten; Physical Touch, for all you horndogs out there; Acts of Service, for all you kinky horndogs, Words of Affirmation, for you dirty-talkers and people with praise kinks particularly, and...the other one." Which she couldn't be bothered to remember because it hadn't been sexy enough.

"So we're gonna spend the rest of the workshop talking about these languages so all you little kinksters can figure out what floats your boat so that if you one day decide to actually put some effort into your relationship, you might actually not flame out horribly and embarrass yourself so badly that your shame will follow you for forever. That happens sometimes. I've seen it."

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"I'm not needy for attention!"

Then less than a second later:

"Oh my God, am I needy for attention?"

For a class about romance, this class was giving Kamala a lot of identity issues.

Navaan shrugged. "I dunno, kid, that sounds like a question only time and self-reflection can answer." She considered it--and Kamala. "You do kinda give off some kinda vibe, though..."

"I do?" Kamala asked/exclaimed.

...

"What vibe is vibing that I'm that way?"

"A kindaaaa...'look what I can do' mixed with a 'let me tell you all about my special interest' vibe?" Navaan hazards.

"... Is this a romance class or some kind of weird therapy disguised as a romance class?"

"Enh, that's romance," Navaan said. "Figure out all the shit that's wrong with you and decide whether or not you wanna inflict that on another person. And then try to find another person either willing to put up with it or is fucked up in the same ways."

And now Kamala was wondering if she needed to have a talk with Eleanor about her stuff.

“This is not what I’ve seen in the movies.”

"Oh yeah, cause movies are soooooo realistic," Navaan said, rolling her eyes.

Trust the doctor, Kamala.

Kamala is trusting the doctor. That’s the problem here.

“So technically I’m boring and make it all about me and what I can do?”

Navaan patted Kamala's shoulder. "Proud of you for admitting it out loud," she said. "The first step is being honest with yourself."

“Oh. This is bad.”

Kamala was definitely horrified.

“This is very bad.”

She really should have hid behind Cal this week.

"Yep." Look, Navaan wasn't gonna sugarcoat it for you. "But it's fixable! Or you can just find a pushover that will be too scared of being alone to like you 'just the way you are.'"

“I’m not afraid of being alone,” Kamala protested/whined. “And my girlfriend is not a pushover.”

She could eat people
While but she was not a pushover.

Wait. Did I say “girlfriend” out loud?

"No, no, I said for you to find someone too afraid of being alone so they will tell you they like you just the way you are," Navaan corrected. "Or you can put in the actual work to change, but that sounds like a lot when you've already got a girlfriend--" so yep, you definitely said that, Kamala "--who isn't gonna push you to be better."

Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

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