fandomhigh | Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

"Okay so, romance is really complicated," Navaan said once she got around to starting class, whenever that turned out to be. "Like, waaaaaay more complicated than sex. Even flang! So, like, the smart thing to do would be to stop worrying about romance and just go for sex, but most of you have that shiny virgin thing going on so that's probably a non-starter." She sighed. "Anyway, how do I know romance is more complicated than sex? Well, for one thing, I'm smart. I'm both a doctor AND a romance novelist-slash-smut peddler, so I know what I'm about. But also, love has different languages. Sex doesn't! You don't even need to speak the same language to have sex! But 'love'--" and yes, she was doing finger quotes there "--apparently needs five and if you don't speak the same one your partner or -ners do, your relationship is horribly doomed and you'll die alone forever."

A beat.

"Also not a problem with sex, I'm just saying."

You know, in case anyone was missing the point that sex was better than romance any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

"So anyway, the five love languages are Gift-Giving, for when you or your person are spoiled rotten; Physical Touch, for all you horndogs out there; Acts of Service, for all you kinky horndogs, Words of Affirmation, for you dirty-talkers and people with praise kinks particularly, and...the other one." Which she couldn't be bothered to remember because it hadn't been sexy enough.

"So we're gonna spend the rest of the workshop talking about these languages so all you little kinksters can figure out what floats your boat so that if you one day decide to actually put some effort into your relationship, you might actually not flame out horribly and embarrass yourself so badly that your shame will follow you for forever. That happens sometimes. I've seen it."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Oh, my brother is already my sugar daddy." Wait. No. "That came out wrong." Galen and Castor had had a fling once upon a time, so pseudo-incest was not entirely off the table here, but Castor, the family's money man, was, like Gray, an avowed bottom, so that would never work. "I meant that I already have money from my family. I can be my partner's sugar daddy and then he can buy me presents with my family's money. That works." Just as long as he got presents.

"That sounds like it would work pretty good, actually," Navaan said thoughtfully. "How's that thing with the pirate going?"

"Not great," Gray admitted. "I tried to hit on him and he didn't even notice! I think I need to up my game."

This would lead to such canon pickup line gems as, 'I must be a squirrel because I want to gobble your nuts.'

Gray. Gray. No.

Granted, Navaan wouldn't be the one to tell him no, she'd be writing that down to use later, but the narrative still begs you, no.

"Did you wear your seducing outfit?"

It worked, which was how you knew it really was either true love or the intervention of a higher power.

"Well, no, but only because I was wearing my skinny jeans that make my ass look great." Gray thought about it. "Maybe he doesn't like twinks? That would be a bummer."

"There's a saying about asses. Not everybody is into asses, even when they're the best ass in the world."

...The original saying had been about peaches, but you could understand Navaan's confusion, between emojis and her own Navaanness.

"Well, if he doesn't like my ass then I'm afraid we're doomed from the start."

Maybe he should just ask the other vampire if he wanted to fuck.

Navaan had suggested that from the start. Listen to the doctor, Gray.

"Don't pout, buttercup. You don't know if he doesn't yet. Did he give you the attention you were looking for?"

Fuckin' bratty subs. Honestly now.

"No," he pouted, like the bratty sub he was, because, yeah, nailed that one, Navaan. "He was mad about his tea. What is it with men and tea and books? Honestly."

"Maybe he's a eunuch?" Look, Navaan didn't know. She came from Oglaf.

"Oh, that would be sad. I'll have to ask him."

Sorry, Flint.

Also, sorry, Gray, if this was what got your fingers cut off.

But fortunately he could regrow them!

Did it really even count when consequences didn't stick? Navaan didn't think so.

"Wear your seducing outfit when you do," Navaan advised.

Romancing For Dummies, Period 1

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