fandomhigh | So You Want to Be a Pirate!, Wednesday, period two

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pirating

So You Want to Be a Pirate!, Wednesday, period two

The Danger Shop had been programmed into the deck of a classic tall ship, complete with multiple masts and sails, three different deck levels, and way, way too many ropes. There were barrels and crates aplenty for the students to use as desks, so long as they didn't mind said barrels and crates occasionally sliding around as the boat drifted along the swells.

Their teacher showed up a couple minutes late, looking ruffled and disgruntled, and — facial hair aside — not really at all like he should be leading a class called "So You Want to Be a Pirate". He was much too clean, for one, and had all his limbs. He didn't even have a pirate hat on!

"Alright, alright!" he called, as he stumbled backwards through the door. "Fine! I'm here, okay? Call off the damn moose!"

He tripped over a rope, flailed his way through a stumble, and turned to get a full look at his "classroom."

". . . Holy shit. Okay. Sure. This is definitely a thing that's happening."

Such professionalism.

He rubbed a hand over his face and blinked around at the students, then sighed and gathered himself. "Hi. Right. So. Welcome to pirate class. I guess. I'm Duke Crocker. You can call me Duke. The description for this class makes me out to be a pirate, which isn't entirely true? But I'm probably the closest you'll get who's not going to fucking kill any of you, so sure. Why not."

Yeah, he was off to a great start here.

"Um. Okay. So the weirdly gossipy radio station you all have around here makes it sound like introductions are the thing to do the first week, and considering I just got bullied in here by a moose, it's safe to assume I don't have a lesson plan. So introductions it is. Let's go with name, sailing experience, and . . . favorite historical or fictional pirate? Sure. Yeah. That's a plan. I'll . . . go first? I already told you I'm Duke. I grew up in a harbor town, so I've been on boats my whole life, though — not quite ones like this one." He was going to have to look up how to run a damn tall ship, wasn't he. "And as for favorite pirates, I gotta go with Ching Shih. She was a Chinese pirate from the 18th century. Born in poverty, worked as a prostitute, and ended up commanding eighty thousand other pirates in her prime, which is a hell of a success story. They say her first rule of conduct was that anyone giving any orders that didn't come direct from her got beheaded on the spot. Woman did not like insubordination." A beat. "Seriously, you all, pirates will fucking kill you, please don't take to the seas expecting loveable drunks who sing sea shanties. Like, they probably will also get drunk and sing. But, you know. Also there's murder."

He let that hang in the air for a moment, then clapped his hands and pointed to one of the students. "Okay. Now you. Name, sailing experience, favorite pirate. Go."

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Barnabas tilted his head, "If that something is psychotropic, you might want to be careful about it here. Drugs and alcohol are the two most common methods people use to invite her for a visit, or to take a trip to her Realm. If you've been there before or if she's visited you, she will know you. She just doesn't always remember that she knows - until she does." A little more quietly, he said, "If you invite her, she will show up. She doesn't like to be rude, you see, and she doesn't like people to be alone in that state."

Duke nodded slowly. He followed . . . maybe half of that.

Lost Revenge was a pretty sweet name for a boat, though.

"Uma, huh? What sorts of things has she taken control of?"

Duke opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking back up at where Delirium was playing.

". . . Right. Good to know."

He had done so many drugs in his time.

"What does she actually do when she shows up?"

Evie tilted her head as she pondered the best way to answer that question. "Well, she's one of the few girls that make Hook's son and Gaston's youngest son respect her. She has no problems taking control of a situation so it will be interesting to see if she ends up being the next Pirate Captain."

"She keeps you safe. She walks with you through her Realm and keeps you safe so you can walk out the other side unharmed when your time with her is done. Sometimes people stay there and she makes them welcome when they do, but she never really wants anyone to. It's not a place that's truly fit to live in." Barnabas looked up at her, "That's why she's sometimes very scattered. Even when she's here with you, she's with everyone visiting her Realm, too. Not everything in her Realm is friendly and she's very careful about that part."

Duke had to grin at that description. "Sounds like she'll make a fine one," he agreed. "You going to be part of her crew?"

"She makes sure it's a good trip," Duke summarized. "Sounds like a good friend to have."

"Sweet Evil, don't I wish! She and her crew taught me how to use a sword. Things kind of happened and now I'm not sure where the seaweed will fall at the end of the day -- especially with us being in two different places."

Well, there was an interesting exclamation.

"Right. She's still back at the . . ." What was it? "Isle of the Lost. You got a head start with the sword stuff, though. Maybe you can show your classmates a few tricks."

Assuming they didn't all also already know how to use a sword. Or maybe harpoon in Sidon's case?

"Jack. Or Jack Two, if Jack the teacher is here," Jack said, trying to look blase' about another foray into suddenly being somewhere he didn't expect. "No sailing experience, really. Rowing experience?" Did that even count? "And the only rather famous pirate from Oz was Captain Samuel Salt, who discovered quite a few islands. Although he was more of a confidence man than a pirate, really."

Duke's eyebrows went up, and he smiled.

"Jack Two. You get extra credit for knowing the difference between a con man and a pirate."

"Well, he didn't kill anyone. Or even abscond with any ships," Jack said, looking a little embarrassed. Really, Captain Salt was not a sterling example of piracy. "Except for stealing islands, or at least claiming them in the name of the Queen of Oz when, well. He wasn't actually working for the Queen."

Jack wasn't sure that piracy was really something he needed to learn, but sailing could come in handy? Probably? "Umm. So, how did you become a pirate? A sort-of pirate?"

"The usual way," Duke said. "Won a boat in a poker game, didn't much feel like listening to what anyone else wanted to tell me to do with it."

"Not one for fishing?" Jack guessed, feeling unwillingly amused at their new teacher. "Or..." He looked around at the very big ship. "Whatever you would do with a ship like this."

"With a ship like this? Mostly haul cargo. Maybe go to war. Mine's . . . a little different."

It was built for hauling cargo, but you could at least functionally run it with a crew of one.

"Fishing's fine, just not something I want to make a living at. What I do takes me all over the world. Can't beat a gig like that."

Nell Ingram

Nell looked a little stunned to be in this class. Must have been some strange sort of paperwork mix-up.

"Um... I'm Nell Ingram," she said. "And I don't have any experience with ships or pirates. I couldn't even tell you the name of a pirate." Slightly sheltered here.

She was definitely going to have to do some research.

"Really?" Duke asked, surprised. "Not even from a story? They don't have to have sailed or anything. Sometimes pirates are more like . . . highway men. Ruling over roads instead of sea. Or space."

Since there'd been more than one space pirate brought up by her classmates so far.

"No war," Jack vetoed, expression strained. "But going around the world sounds-- fun." That had been the whole point of leaving home, hadn't it? "So, like merchant work, then. Place to place, selling goods." That didn't sound bad, really. Too bad his own life was now a mess of politics and debts he still owed people.

"God's Cloud of Glory Church wasn't much on fiction-y things, 'specially not for girls," Nell explained. Cults generally weren't. "Some stuff I could kind of sneak once I married John, but he - and Leah when she was still alive - still watched what I read purty close."

She gave him an embarrassed half-smile. "Guess I haven't quite gotten 'round to no - to any - pirate-y things, but I'll do some research, I promise!"

Duke clicked his tongue and pointed. "Exactly. Mind you, you'll still find you need to fight from time to time. People are assholes pretty much everywhere you go. But you got yourself a ship and no one to answer to, you can just get the hell out when things don't go your way. Avoid a whole lot of trouble."

But unfortunately not Trouble.

Duke ran his hand over his face. "Shit, kid. That's . . ." What did you even say to that? And how had this kid been married? "I mean, I'm not going to tell you not to research. Educate yourself all you want. But -- I'm not going to assign you homework, alright? You don't know any pirates, that's fine. You can pick it up in here."

And if Duke ever happened across that 'God's Cloud of Glory Church'. . . . Well. Let's just say they'd be lucky Duke was a Buddhist.

"Oh, all right then," Nell said. "I was a little worried I'd missed out on some requirement."

She was still going to look things up so she didn't feel so foolish. And besides, some of those stories sounded awfully intriguing!

And Duke wasn't the only one who'd like to 'talk' with the people at God's Cloud of Glory.

He should damn well hope not.

"Only requirement in here is. . . ." He trailed off, trying to think of rules that didn't make him feel vaguely uncomfortable. Even something like "show up" he was pretty sure wouldn't sound right coming from his mouth, especially considering he'd had to be shoved in here by a moose. ". . . I dunno, just don't deliberately try to hurt anybody and I think we'll be cool."

"Oh gosh," Nell said, looking shocked. "I'd never do that! Well not unless I had to 'cause I was defending myself or someone else."

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