fandomhigh | So You Want to Be a Pirate!, Wednesday, period two

The Danger Shop had been programmed into the deck of a classic tall ship, complete with multiple masts and sails, three different deck levels, and way, way too many ropes. There were barrels and crates aplenty for the students to use as desks, so long as they didn't mind said barrels and crates occasionally sliding around as the boat drifted along the swells.

Their teacher showed up a couple minutes late, looking ruffled and disgruntled, and — facial hair aside — not really at all like he should be leading a class called "So You Want to Be a Pirate". He was much too clean, for one, and had all his limbs. He didn't even have a pirate hat on!

"Alright, alright!" he called, as he stumbled backwards through the door. "Fine! I'm here, okay? Call off the damn moose!"

He tripped over a rope, flailed his way through a stumble, and turned to get a full look at his "classroom."

". . . Holy shit. Okay. Sure. This is definitely a thing that's happening."

Such professionalism.

He rubbed a hand over his face and blinked around at the students, then sighed and gathered himself. "Hi. Right. So. Welcome to pirate class. I guess. I'm Duke Crocker. You can call me Duke. The description for this class makes me out to be a pirate, which isn't entirely true? But I'm probably the closest you'll get who's not going to fucking kill any of you, so sure. Why not."

Yeah, he was off to a great start here.

"Um. Okay. So the weirdly gossipy radio station you all have around here makes it sound like introductions are the thing to do the first week, and considering I just got bullied in here by a moose, it's safe to assume I don't have a lesson plan. So introductions it is. Let's go with name, sailing experience, and . . . favorite historical or fictional pirate? Sure. Yeah. That's a plan. I'll . . . go first? I already told you I'm Duke. I grew up in a harbor town, so I've been on boats my whole life, though — not quite ones like this one." He was going to have to look up how to run a damn tall ship, wasn't he. "And as for favorite pirates, I gotta go with Ching Shih. She was a Chinese pirate from the 18th century. Born in poverty, worked as a prostitute, and ended up commanding eighty thousand other pirates in her prime, which is a hell of a success story. They say her first rule of conduct was that anyone giving any orders that didn't come direct from her got beheaded on the spot. Woman did not like insubordination." A beat. "Seriously, you all, pirates will fucking kill you, please don't take to the seas expecting loveable drunks who sing sea shanties. Like, they probably will also get drunk and sing. But, you know. Also there's murder."

He let that hang in the air for a moment, then clapped his hands and pointed to one of the students. "Okay. Now you. Name, sailing experience, favorite pirate. Go."

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Nell looked a little stunned to be in this class. Must have been some strange sort of paperwork mix-up.

"Um... I'm Nell Ingram," she said. "And I don't have any experience with ships or pirates. I couldn't even tell you the name of a pirate." Slightly sheltered here.

She was definitely going to have to do some research.

"Really?" Duke asked, surprised. "Not even from a story? They don't have to have sailed or anything. Sometimes pirates are more like . . . highway men. Ruling over roads instead of sea. Or space."

Since there'd been more than one space pirate brought up by her classmates so far.

"God's Cloud of Glory Church wasn't much on fiction-y things, 'specially not for girls," Nell explained. Cults generally weren't. "Some stuff I could kind of sneak once I married John, but he - and Leah when she was still alive - still watched what I read purty close."

She gave him an embarrassed half-smile. "Guess I haven't quite gotten 'round to no - to any - pirate-y things, but I'll do some research, I promise!"

Duke ran his hand over his face. "Shit, kid. That's . . ." What did you even say to that? And how had this kid been married? "I mean, I'm not going to tell you not to research. Educate yourself all you want. But -- I'm not going to assign you homework, alright? You don't know any pirates, that's fine. You can pick it up in here."

And if Duke ever happened across that 'God's Cloud of Glory Church'. . . . Well. Let's just say they'd be lucky Duke was a Buddhist.

"Oh, all right then," Nell said. "I was a little worried I'd missed out on some requirement."

She was still going to look things up so she didn't feel so foolish. And besides, some of those stories sounded awfully intriguing!

And Duke wasn't the only one who'd like to 'talk' with the people at God's Cloud of Glory.

He should damn well hope not.

"Only requirement in here is. . . ." He trailed off, trying to think of rules that didn't make him feel vaguely uncomfortable. Even something like "show up" he was pretty sure wouldn't sound right coming from his mouth, especially considering he'd had to be shoved in here by a moose. ". . . I dunno, just don't deliberately try to hurt anybody and I think we'll be cool."

"Oh gosh," Nell said, looking shocked. "I'd never do that! Well not unless I had to 'cause I was defending myself or someone else."

"Wouldn't count then anyway," Duke assured her. "So long as you're not cruel about it."

"Of course not," Nell assured him. Though she wasn't sure that feeding that man to her land hadn't been a cruel thing. Well, she hadn't intended to do it!

So You Want to Be a Pirate!, Wednesday, period two

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