fandomhigh | [Tactics of War] [Monday 6 p.m to 8 p.m.]

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[Tactics of War] [Monday 6 p.m to 8 p.m.]

“I am Fifth” is written on the chalkboard.

He smiles cheerfully as each student files in and may or may not have a sensory overload when he sees the young teenage Sam Carter.

Once everyone is settled in and he’s composed himself, he begins –

“Your professor is away on business, I’m afraid, and you will be stuck with me for at least this class period and perhaps the next. My name is Fifth.” He smiles very widely and might bounce a little in place.

“On your desk is an iPod with four episodes of the television series “Wormhole X-Treme.” I would like you to pick one, watch it and write down three war tactics used by the characters.

Your choices are:

(1) Shades of Purple in which Colonel Danning quits the SGX to work with the nefarious Colonel Juneborne.
(2) Ergo in which our intrepid heroes have a mischievous consciousness downloaded into their brains to study them.
(3) Power Corrupts Absolutely in which Dr. Levant is seduced by the darkside.
(4) And my favorite - OMG WE ARE SUPERHEROES!! in which our heroes gain amazing superpowers.

If you have any questions, let me know.

Please keep in-class chatter to a minimum.

[[ooc: (1) Shades of Grey, (2) Urgo, (3) Absolute Power, (4) Upgrades. www.youtube.com AMAZES ME, omg. Check it out!!! And if you don’t want to watch, plz just handwave the assignment.]]

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"I think Monroe and Danning are far too professional to let their feelings show when they shouldn't," said Janet. She was damn well going back to her room after this and grabbing a very large package of chocolate to bring to Sam. "And I'm sure that they would never risk their careers by breaking the frat regs. Those are there for a reason, after all."

"Gimme the remote. I think the class should take a vote on this, I mean, people are human, aren't they?" Parker demanded. "Who else thinks they were having mindsex, eyesex, whateverthehell, right-- there?"

Sam walked over, grabbed Janet's face, and kissed her, hard. Then she whirled on Parker, hands on her hips. "NO SEX! THERE WAS NO SEX FOR THEM FOR THE ENTIRE RUN OF THE SERIES! ~~Dammit.~~"

Parker blinked and put her hands over her ears. "NO SHOUTING AT ME!" Then she started to giggle hysterically. "Why did you just kiss Janet? Omigod."

Janet's eyes were wide. And she maybe wasn't sure what to do with her hands. OMG!flaily!

"Nope," she settled for saying after Sam was finished with the ~~kissing~~ ranting. "No sex. Which, I have to say, is very frustrating. How is it that that female career soldiers on this series couldn't get any to save their lives? I mean, look at Dr. Cramer! The handful of times we saw her outside the infirmary, she was still stuck in a nurturing role. They couldn't get her a date with anyone? Ever? I mean, she shows up, saves the world a few times, and doesn't get laid when Dr. Levant and Colonel Danning are tramping it up across the entire freaking galaxy?"

"No kidding!" Sam, in full on rant mode, more or less ignored the fact that she'd just kissed Janet in the middle of class~~not that it was forgettable, because, omg, no.~~ "And they totally made it with every alien chick they met! How many times do you have to be married in an off-planet ceremony before you figure out that you shouldn't eat the frigging cake???"

Just to mess with them because they were getting so into this, Parker said, "Maybe the doctor was having sex with the General, when no one was looking. Or the big alien guy. And maybe they just wanted the presents from the wedding ceremony." Parker held up her hands. "Hey, it could happen!"

"The aliens always drug their food!" exclaimed Janet. ~~Because that kiss had better not be forgettable, damn it!~~ "Come on, how many times do you have to eat the alien food and have wacky side effects before you realize you should stick to the prepackaged meals from Earth?"

Janet's voice might be a little raised by now. And she might seem a little upset.

"How is it that two guys can get so much action! And either Dr. Cramer got nothing or Major Monroe kept having boyfriends with troubled histories! Okay, Grell and the General were never an item with Dr. Cramer. Grell had his own relationship off-planet! And the General was directly above her in the chain of command. She'd never risk her career like that!"

"Not to mention that Lavant's supposed to be this genius! How hard can it be to remember something that's happened so many times before?"

"Don't get me started on Major Monroe's relationships," Sam replied, "they've made her out to be this black widow or something, when that's clearly not the case. They died for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with Major Monroe!"

Sam eyed Janet. "I think Dr. Cramer's got something secret going on with Lavant. Yep."

"Maybe they drank the purple alien Kool-Aid so many times they have brain damage. Or an addiction?" Parker snickered. "And you still haven't explained the girlkissy."

"And I'm right there with you. Cramer and Levant: doin' it in the supply closets. Constantly." Parker threw back another kernel of popcorn. "Did you see the way he held onto her hand? Heh."

"I think they just have brain damage from being hit in the head one too many times," said Janet. She gestured at the screen. "Do you realize how many concussions Dr. Levant got over the course of the series? Any reasonable doctor would have seriously considered forcing him to wear protective headgear every time they sent him off-world!" Which she had considered, but had been vetoed on every time by O'Neill, damn it. She ignored the comment about the girlkissy. Maybe Parker would forget about it?

"Dr. Cramer and Dr. Levant were not going at it constantly in the supply closets!" Janet flailed just a bit. Again. "Maybe he was just holding onto her hand in a friendly manner! I'm sure that's all it was. They were just friends." She said it firmly. And loudly. And ~~totally unconvincingly~~ with complete conviction.

Sam may have started giggling. "How could he be the studliest archeologist ever if he had to wear a special helmet?"

"Well, that's disappointing," Sam replied, biting her lip in amusement. "I'd like to think they were doing something in secret. I mean, someone should have been. I've never seen two more celibate women on television. A little full-fledged characterization wouldn't have been remiss."

"Maybe they just should have riveted plates inside his head. You'd think with all the special secret super alien technology, they could have reinforced his big brain so it didn't keep getting messed with." Parker snickered. "And I say Danning and the Colonel Chick are doing it, and Levant and Cramer are doing it, and they're all turning to the alien guy when they're on breaks from each other, and there's a harem of archeologist women on some planet waiting for their savior to come back!" She threw a handful of popcorn at Janet on this last bit.

"Maybe his big brain is just easily distracted by half-naked alien women!" exclaimed Janet. "Did you SEE the way the alien bimbo scientist was looking at him? But Danning and Monroe were NOT doing it, and Levant and Cramer were also VERY MUCH NOT EITHER, and the alien guy is just there to take his shirt off and look studly, but he's too devoted to his off-planet love interest!"

She didn't stomp her foot. Much. "AND THERE IS NO HAREM OF ARCHAEOLOGIST WOMEN!" Janet picked a piece of popcorn off her shirt and popped it in her mouth while glaring at the screen.

"The bimbo alien scientist needs to learn to wear clothes that actually fit her," Sam said, scornfully, "not to mention keeping her hands off the Colonel and Levant."

"Alright, Janet, there was no sex. WE GET IT." There may have been pouting. "And the alien guy is obviously there for the rest of the audience to identify with, because no one else is even close to normal."

"There could be a harem. A wee one." She edged carefully away from Janet.

"Small. Petite. With petite women." Oh, they were SO dead. "And I think the alien guy is there to be sane and sober and hot. 'Cause we all need hot sanity."

"And the scientific bimbo's gonna get hurt if she keeps wearing clothes like that. A girl can lose a rib, wearing that kind of jacket."

"There is no harem!" said Janet. "Especially not a petite harem!" She grabbed Parker's popcorn, not mentioning that she actually agreed about Grell, and glared.

"The scientific bimbo's goiing to get hurt if she interrupts Dr. Cramer one more time," muttered Janet. "What kind of a scientist dresses like that if she wants to be taken seriously? Oh, wait, that's right! A lousy scientist with no fashion sense."

She flung the contents of Parker's bucket of popcorn at Parker and Sam. Killer robots, Fifth, and SGC-referential episodes of Wormhole X-Treme. Then she turned around and left the class. If Eighth or Fifth really expected that she was going to turn in homework after the 'mysterious' attack of killer robots in Shop class today, they had another thing coming.

Parker pretty much fell off a desk laughing at her, then threw a handful of popcorn at Carter for good measure. "So, why girlkissy?"

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[Tactics of War] [Monday 6 p.m to 8 p.m.]

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