Sex, Dating and Self-Confidence [Tuesday, Period 2]

[begmetwice.livejournal.com]

Today, Irene was perched on the edge of her desk as usual, the question box posed on her lap. "Good morning," she greeted everyone with a smile as they filed in. "I hope your weekends were as pleasant as they could be -- or, at least, if they weren't, that you have subsequently recovered. We have a few questions in the box this week, so let's get that started before we get moving onto today's topic."

She cleared her throat as she plucked the first question out of the box. "Can we get discounts at Dite's for being your students? The answer to that is no, unless you want to do something extra. If anyone wants to do some sort of extra project and be a teacher's pet, I'll give you a coupon for the store. Deal?"

She didn't really pause to see if that worked for everyone, because she didn't think it was a real question, anyway. But she'd honor it if someone took her up on it! "Onto the next: When and how is the proper time to reveal your feelings to someone you are dating without looking like a fucking idiot?"

Yes, the teacher just used the F word. And...yes, it might've been pretty obvious whose question that was on that basis alone.

The anonymous question box was so anonymous sometimes, you guys.

"There's no right answer to this one," Irene said, looking up from the paper and very carefully not letting her gaze rest anywhere in particular. "But I'd suggest trying to make sure it's a good time for the recipient to hear it, too, at the least. Maybe don't spring a confession on someone who's dealing with personal strife, as it might not get the reception you intended." And maybe don't make your heartfelt confession part of a phone passcode, because then you might get figured out and lose everything and have your heart broken on top of it all.

...hypothetically.

"Our third, final, and to my mind, most serious question," Irene said, plucking the last paper out of the box. "Just a reminder to the class that there's flirty, and there's sexually harass-y. Maybe take a second to think things like 'Am I going to freak someone out by saying this?' and if the answer's 'maybe' then keep your damn mouth shut." There was a bit more to it there than Irene had read, but she wasn't going to quite call anyone out by name, today. "I think this is important," she said, looking up. "And I apologize for not intervening when the incident in question happened, but let's all please remember that this is a safe space, and I want everyone to feel welcome and like they won't be harassed here, in spite of the subject matter. I'm treating you all like adults. Please don't make me regret that."

She thought (hoped) that was enough on the subject, and set the box back next to its home by the condoms. "Now. I want to congratulate you all on a very big achievement," she said, turning back with a bright smile. "We've made it to our last sex ed class! Starting after the break, we'll be looking more at the 'dating' portion of the syllabus, so. Everyone go ahead and give yourselves a round of applause for getting through what I'm sure is going to be the most difficult portion of this class."

She actually clapped, to encourage them to do the same.



"But!" You knew there was a but, right guys? "But today, we still have one more class to get through." She crossed her legs neatly, bracing for the inevitable tidal wave of embarrassment. "Masturbation, and the tools we use to offer ourselves comfort."

….yaaaaaaay!

"So," she said, passing out a handout just in case there was anyone here who didn't know what that term meant, "I'm here to clear some things up for you. We're not going to talk technique, or anything like that, but I want each and every one of you to know: it is perfectly natural to touch yourselves. There is nothing wrong with it. There's nothing evil about it, or sinful, or bad. It's a natural expression of our sexuality, as humans -- and in fact, it goes more primal than that. Most of the great apes masturbate, which you might observe if you ever go to a zoo and find a gorilla in an amorous mood. They're not shy about it."

There were also a number of Youtube videos featuring masturbating primates, but Irene wasn't quite that helpful. They could look that stuff up on their own time.

"Bottom line, ladies and gents and other -- don't feel ashamed of masturbating. Everyone does it. Even if someone says they don't, they're probably lying. And you won't go blind for it," she added, glancing at the more time-displaced members of her class, probably to their chagrin. "You'll just...sleep better that night, honestly."

"Like sex, masturbation is highly personal. Some of you will want to bring toys into the mix. Some of you will be happy with your hand. Some of you will want to rub against things that feel good. None of this is wrong." She paused, smiling, and added, "And some of you will be happy with your imaginations -- and some of you will want an external stimulation."

Awww, yeah, guys, we're talking about porn today.

Irene walked over to where she'd set up the television, probably inspiring either wild hopes or great trepidation, depending on the student. "So, today we're going to talk a little about pornography -- which, for those of you who don't know the term, means sex depicted for the enjoyment of a third party. Most of you are probably familiar with the idea of porn videos, but there's also literature, and -- well. There's a whole internet out there, kids. We're going to talk about the movies today."

She cued up the DVD player, and a sexy saxophone started up, along with a pretty rhythmic beat. A young lady was alone in her home, and answered the door to find a strapping young man holding a pizza box.

"I have a pizza here, with…." He paused, dramatically -- he was quite a good actor, this fellow -- "extra sausage?"

"That's for me," the girl on the screen simpered, "but I don't have any way to pay you!"

As the young man started to peel off his shirt and the music picked up more, Irene paused it. "We're not watching more," she said, which was probably either a huge relief, or else very disappointing. "A lot of time, in pornography, things are depicted incredibly unrealistically. You've seen the level of acting -- usually things start with some sort of wildly unrealistic premise -- a pizza delivery man who will take oral sex as compensation, for example. Or two young ladies who find that they don't know how to kiss quite as well as they'd like, so they practice and...well. One thing leads to another."

She gave the class a conspiratorial grin. "But the lack of realism in pornography doesn't start and end with the acting or the scenarios brought forth -- the sex itself shouldn't be trusted. We're not going to watch more of that in class, but in your free time, I'd encourage you to explore...but do it with a grain of salt. Gents, please -- I beg you, please -- do not take your cues from pornstars. There's usually a lack of female attention in these sorts of films, unless it's lesbian porn, and even then that's not realistic. Ladies? Please do not feel like you have to enjoy something that you saw in a porno, or that you're weird because you're not having theatrical orgasms like the young ladies of the industry. These are actors -- not very good ones when they're using their voices and not their bodies, but actors all the same."

Irene turned the television off, so no one would be too distracted, and turned to the class. "I'd like you to discuss, today -- what can we learn from pornography? Why is it so over-the-top and inaccurate? Would filming actual couples having actual, messy, fun sex be more effective? There's a market for that -- that's what the 'amateur' tab is, if you've poked around and don't know -- but it's certainly not the majority. Please, by all means, don't feel like you have to share your preferences, but I'd like to know what you think about why the porn industry is what it is, and what you think about the expectations it breeds in people."

Comments

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

"Of course it breeds unrealistic expectations," Eleanor bristled. "How are normal people supposed to compete? If someone spends all of their free time watching pornography, with its plastic alien participants, then a normal girl is going to look dull by comparison."

Some of that was intended for a particular person. Obviously.

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[spin_kick_snap]

"I think there's more than that, too," Kathy said, basing her answer on lots and lots of Tumblr discussions, woo! "If you look at the typical porn viewer, it's aimed at guys. Probably young guys, but mostly guys. Then you not only get unrealistic expectations of what girls look like, but what they like. Porn is a visual medium, so a lot of what they show is what'll look best of a screen, not what feels good or is sexy and desirable for women. And don't most porns end when the guy--" She didn't finish that statement, instead spreading her fingers in the air.

G'job, Kathy.

"But somewhere down the line, they decided they had to show it or whatever, so now rather than making noises or whatever women do when they, y'know, now guys have to pull out and let everything land on the actress. So now there are whole legions of guys who have fantasies like that, because it's what they see and has become synonymous with hot."

Frowning in thought, she added, "Okay, the pulling out thing was probably a way to sexualize a really crummy method of birth control and safe sex, but my point stands. Show someone something, tell them it's sexy enough times, and then that's what they start to want and expect. And then you have normal girls who aren't skinny, hairless, and stacked and you've suddenly got two people with very different expectations of what's sexy and how things should work."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

"Just so you know," Joker told her, "I've never met anyone in real life who actually finds cumshots sexy. Well, that I know of."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[spin_kick_snap]

"And yet I bet they appear in a ton of amateur porn," Kathy pointed out. "I know it's shown up in some of the fanfic that I re--know of--" good save, Kathy! "And the vast majority of that is written by women!"

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[iceolatedqueen.livejournal.com]

Elsa wasn't going to speak up about this. She wasn't. She was going to continue to sit under her desk and pretend she wasn't here. That was what she was going to do.

"Then isn't it possible that the women who are writing these things actually do find it enjoyable, rather than demeaning? Just because we don't want anything to do with it doesn't mean nobody does."

Okay she was done now and was going to die forever.

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[stacyexperiment]

"Maybe some," Gwen said. "But I'm gonna go ahead and guess a good bunch of them don't actually know what it is."

Because ewww.

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[begmetwice.livejournal.com]

"Not to defend them too much," Irene said carefully, watching the discussion with interest, "because Kathy's right that it tends to be very problematic, the...." She made the same gesture Kathy had, out of deference (and because she wasn't going to use the word that Joker had.) "But Elsa's right, too, that there is a whole market of people who like that sort of thing -- who like being the recipient, so to speak. Remember last week? There are plenty of people who absolutely love to be dominated and degraded, and let's not take away from their experience."

"But, she added, looking to Gwen, "Gwen's right too, in that I would bet that these...fanfiction authors might just be acting out a fantasy without understanding the reality behind it. I think we all just need to remember that yes, visual pornography is primarily aimed at men, and there's some subjugation of women present in what Kathy's describing, but that doesn't mean that that's the only reason that someone would be into that. It's not all about man-pleasing. Some women -- and men -- really like how that kind of thing feels. And again -- that is totally okay."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[spin_kick_snap]

"If someone sees--that--and it pushes all their buttons, awesome," Kathy said. "Then it falls squarely under 'your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay'. But Joker's point was that no one likes that stuff in real life, which is where the problem comes in. If nobody likes it, then why does it keep showing up in things that are meant to be sexy?"

She was pretty sure the tips of her ears were red at this point.

"My point is that porn is so pervasive, especially now with the internet, that people are coming to it with the expectation of 'this is what sex entails' which may not have anything to do with what the actual participants think is sexy."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[iceolatedqueen.livejournal.com]

That just left Elsa even more confused.

"But if nobody likes it... why do they keep spending money on it? You'd think they wouldn't, if that wasn't something that they... appreciated. Wouldn't they?"

That was just basic economics, wasn't it?

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

"Women?" Joker asked. "Or girls, who haven't had sex, haven't watched porn, and only have the vaguest idea of what's sexy from having read other peoples' fanfic? I mean, I'm not bashing fanfic, by the way, but... well, anybody can write it. Just like porn, there's probably not much wheat among the chaff."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[spin_kick_snap]

"Both," Kathy said. "And it's the young and uneducated girls that I'm talking about. Porn's great, porn's fine, porn for all if they want it." She waved her hands around. "But porn is porn because it's unrealistic, and now with the internet and whole states preaching abstinence-only education, that's where lots of people are getting their information from. And porn shouldn't be setting the expectations of what 'normal' sex looks like."

Why was this so hard for people to grasp.

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

"You mean they actually show that?" Eleanor asked, frowning. "The only porn I've seen just had a girl in it. I didn't know they showed that."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[spin_kick_snap]

"So says all the Tumblr screeds I've read," Kathy said, nodding. "Like the girl gets off with screaming and cursing and stuff and then the guy pulls out and lets go all over her stomach or her chest or her face."

Kathy's lip curled. "It's so endemic that you can't even search for facials for your Mom for Mother's Day without making damn sure you have Safe Search on, because a beauty parlor is not going to be on your first page of hits!"

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

Eleanor didn't know what 'facials' were, by either definition, so she was going to skip that.

"Wait, what about the screaming and cursing?" she asked. "Why is that bad?"

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[spin_kick_snap]

Don't Google search it for answers, Eleanor, whatever you do!

"Oh, no, that's not bad," Kathy said quickly. "If she's really getting off that much, it's awesome! But it's the 'if' that gets me. A lot of people don't, uhh, orgasm that quickly, or easily, or loudly, so again, it's setting up a weird expectation that all women are going to respond like that. Like they're some kind of doll you can make come by pulling on a string. Or, well, mashing a button is probably more apt for this scenario."

Kathy was pretty sure that this was what needed a drink felt like.

"And I just think it's weird that porn is fine with limiting a woman's orgasm to just some shouting or whatever, but they feel the need to show that the guy did, in case the viewer was worried he was faking or something."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[stacyexperiment]

"Serious question," Gwen said, because she was honestly curious. "Have you really watched a lot of this or are you just getting your stuff from what people have said on the Internet?"

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

"I think the point you're missing," Joker told her, "is that girls -- especially hot, sexy, beautiful ones -- are never dull. And sure, it breeds unrealistic expectations, but so do whispered second- or third-hand conversations. It's... I dunno. Anyone who watches pornography and decides they'd rather have that fantasy instead of the reality is an idiot."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

"So you're saying it's all right for your fantasy to be women with balloon-shaped breasts, so long as you're willing to fondle someone with considerably less impressive ones," she said. "How very generous of you."

That was not even close to what he'd said. She just felt like being a brat about this.

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

"Ummmm... no," Joker told her. "My fantasy is a tall, strong woman with striking features, a wicked sense of humor, and the ability to kick some major ass. And breast-shaped breasts."

Sure, all things being equal, he would have preferred she have bigger breasts, but she probably wished he were taller. And less fragile. And he wasn't in a million years going to say that out loud.

"I swear on my life, that was my fantasy before I met you, too."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

Eleanor was quiet for a long moment while she tried to figure out if Joker was just thinking he was funny, or ... or if he actually meant that.

"Then why aren't those the women you have porn of?!" she asked. "Explain Missy Cupcakes."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

Joker sighed. "Okay, look. I have... a lot of porn. It's probably unhealthy. Some of it I like, some of it I don't like. Some of it I find disgusting. A lot of it I haven't even watched. You making assumptions about what I like based on that one video is... kind of like Kathy and her weird bukkake obsession. I picked one at random, and got a bad one. I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "One of my favorites is set during the First Contact War. I don't even like human/Turian, usually, but... I'm pretty sure all the actors are real soldiers. It's fucking hot."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[not_a_moonie]

"Not that you're totally wrong, but can you not use alien as an insult?" Alana requested. "I mean, unless there's some huge Earth porn star actually from another planet, in which case I want to see her stuff."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

Eleanor winced. "Bloody hell, I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean that like -- I only meant they looked as though they'd changed species, but that's hardly an excuse. It was a horrible choice of words. I apologize."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[not_a_moonie]

"No big," Alana said, shrugging. "I'm just on this, like, personal crusade to get people to remember not everybody is an Earthling. I agree the ones who look like they got cut up and sewed back together wrong are gross."

Re: Discussion and questions [09/30]

[nobloodymessiah.livejournal.com]

"It's a worthy cause," Eleanor said. "And I'll describe their unpleasantness in terms that aren't accidental slurs, in the future."