fandomhigh | Careers Something Workplace Something Jobs Blah Blah Blah, Friday, Period 1

Today, class was not taking place in the ~~weird mindfu~~ Danger Shop. Today, there was only the plump blonde crazy lady and not the skinny brunette crazy lady. And the blonde lady looked super-happy.

"Human Resources!" Pammy chirped. "Human Resources is totally the best job ever. You're in charge of managing the most important resource in a workplace: the humans. That means you get to decide hiring and firing, and you deal with internal problems like sexual harassment lawsuits and unsafe work environments. You send out surveys so the other employees can peer-review, and best of all, you have full access to everyone's medical files! It's a gossip-lover's dream. And I mean, can you say blackmail!?"

Pam loved being an HR rep, okay? And last time she'd tried to have class about HR, Cheryl had totally wrecked it.

Well, if Cheryl was going to go on a fucking bender for a solid week, then Pam would totally get to tell everyone about the wonders of HR. So there.

"We're not gonna talk about blackmail today," she said, "Or hiring people, since none of you have a job and wouldn't know how to hire someone anyway."

Some of them had jobs, Pam. And it wasn't like Pam was any good at hiring or firing anyway. Especially since Ms. Archer usually handled that.

"Today we're dealing with creative problem solving," she said, carefully enunciating each lovely syllable. "Sometimes conflicts arise in the workplace, and it's your job to navigate the hurt feelings and hostile workplace environment in order to find a solution that works for everyone."

Buzzword central up in here.

"I like to use Lil Pammy when I'm talking out conflicts," she said, holding the puppet aloft. "Unless I'm using the old standard, the dolphin. A puppet can make the conversation less confrontational, since the harsh words are coming from a plush surrogate. So take a puppet and tell your coworkers to knock off whatever creepy shit they're doing. Got it?"

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"Well, you still shouldn't be talking about her unless she's okay with that," Kathy said. "But punching someone because he's strutting around talking about your ex..." She shrugged. "Feels different to me."

"It does seem like it's the kind of thing she could deal with without my fist intervening," Anders said ruefully. "Do I have to apologize, or can I just avoid him?"

"You can just avoid him," Kathy agreed. "So long as this doesn't happen again. If it does, there will be mutual apologies and additional steps taken by management."

Ooo, that sounded intimidating, right? And professional maybe?

"Do you agree?"

"I am in complete agreement, and have absolutely no desire to find out what additional steps would be," Anders said, a smile quirking around the edges of his mouth. "See? We didn't even need puppets to get to that."

"For which I'm incredibly grateful," Kathy said, side-eyeing the puppets once again. "And I'm glad you don't want to know, because otherwise I'd have to come up with additional consequences."

Because, yeah, she had nothing.

"Wanna swap?" She checked the clock. "Or are we out of time."

Anders squinted up at the clock. "Depends how complicated a problem you want to have, I guess. I don't mind at least getting started on a switch if you don't."

He wasn't letting her get away that easily.

Kathy dimpled at him. "I'm not going anywhere. Call me up onto the carpet, Anders."

"All right," Anders said, and closed his eyes for a moment to get into character. "I imagine you ow why you're here, Miss Li."

Kathy folded her arms, looking entirely too good for this nonsense. "Nope. Not a clue."

"The break room sugar dish," Anders reminded her helpfully. "Everyone who's used it since you refilled it this morning has spent the rest of the day vomiting, and word going around is that the container you filled it from had a picture of a dead rat on it. Care to explain?"

"Unsubstantiated rumor," Kathy said immediately. "If I were going to poison the sugarbowl, would I really do it in front of witnesses? Especially if it was still marked as poison?"

"I think that might be the best way to do it," Anders claimed. "It's so ridiculous we'd have to be out of our minds to accuse you if it didn't happen to be true."

"That would almost certainly be construed as slander or something," Kathy said, shaking her head. "I don't think HR wants to deal with a lawsuit like that, do you?"

Anders held up a hand. "That's not playing fair," he complained. "I didn't say I never punched whatshisface."

Mostly because he hadn't thought of it.

"Yeah, but there were witnesses," Kathy teased. "And besides, I didn't accuse you of trying to murder anyone. Besides, you just have to get me to promise not to do it again."

"I said they'd been vomiting, not convulsing or bleeding from orifices," Anders argued, also lightly. "Attempted maiming, not intended murder. But all right -- if you never put anything in the sugar bowl to start with, it shouldn't be hard for you to promise to never do it again."

"I promise never to poison the sugar bowl 'again,'" Kathy said with finger quotes. "Though, even if I were to have done it, doing the same way would be a silly thing."

"It would be," Anders agreed. "But really, if you must torment your fellow employees, stick to things they're more likely to live through. I understand glue in the privy is classic."

"...How would that work," Kathy said, wrinkling her brow trying to figure it out. She was picturing Elmer's glue in a toilet and not seeing how the two work together.

"You put it on the seat," Anders explained with a sigh. "See, HR is good for all kinds of information!"

"Ohmigosh," Kathy said, gasping. "That's terrible! I never would have thought of that!"

Shocking, no? With how everything else about Kathy screamed 'prankster'?

"And that's why you -- allegedly -- upped the ante to rat poison in the sugar bowl," Anders said, trying not to laugh. "Clearly your education in pranking was deficient."

"Allegedy," Kathy agreed. "I didn't do it, but if I did it, how could you tell me that I was wrong?"

Aww yeah. Stealth pun.

"I'd suggest either a mandatory 'No Pranking in the Workplace' lecture for everyone, or a mandatory 'Acceptable Pranks for the Workplace' one. Just so anyone so pranking-deficient can have an idea."

"I'd go for the first one," Anders said cheerily. "And -- you thought of it. Want to be my assistant when lecture day comes?"

His tone made it clear she was being volunteered already.

Excuse you. Volunttold.

"Lucky me," Kathy pretended to grumble. Too bad she still had very visible dimples. "Are we good then?"

Re: Pair Up and Talk Out Your Issues [6-13]

not_every_mage - 2014-06-18 02:06 (UTC) - Expand

spin_kick_snap - 2014-06-18 02:33 (UTC) - Expand