The Modern Workplace and You: Friday, period 1

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

When the class trickled in, they'd find Cheryl sitting on a desk with an ocelot seated on the floor to the right of her. She was daintily peeling off strips of bacon from a pack and dropping them onto the floor. "Is that okay for him to eat?" she wondered, looking at Pam. "I don't want to clean up barf later." Priorities, kids.

“How should I know?” Pam asked, hands on her hips. “You’re the one that bought yourself a dang ocelot. You can figure out what he’s gonna puke up and what he’s not.” Although really, Babou seemed to puke up everything, regardless. It was like he did it out of spite.


"You like, are a farm person!" Cheryl insisted. "Shouldn't you know more about animals?"

Maybe more about the bacon, honestly.

“We didn’t have ocelots on a dairy farm, shit-for-brains!” Pam replied, right before the facepalm. “Great, now I’m swearing in front of the kids. Didja have to bring him along, anyway?”

"He ate my bra last time I left him alone," Cheryl pointed out. "If he goes after yours he might end up choking. Do you want a dead ocelot on your conscience, Pam? Do you?"

Cheryl really didn't care all that much. But she didn't want to deal with cleaning it up, either.

“Yeah, and if he chews up a kid, we’ll get sued,” Pam sighed. “Okay, fine. Welcome, everyone, to The Modern Workplace & You: Preparing for the Future in Today's Corporate Environment. You’re here to learn about your corporate future in the workforce, and what I’m gonna need you to do is just ignore the fact that there’s an ocelot up here growling at you.”

Because that was totally not something that might get their attention, Pam.

“And you,” Pam added, pointing to someone in the first row. “Maybe move your desk back a little. Let’s not crowd him, all right?”

"He likes to play if you get close," Cheryl said with a grin and a raise of her brows. Which, you know, was always a really good indicator of a terrible idea, so take heed of Pam, kiddos. Cheryl paused, looking confused as she dropped more bacon on the floor. "Aren't we like, learning their names today or something? I remember it was boring, whatever you wrote on the syllabus for today."

“At least one of us wrote a syllabus,” Pam snapped. What? She was taking this seriously, like she did with all of the HR stuff that nobody paid attention to. Were peer reviews really that freaking hard to complete?! “Yeah, so today is about introducing yourself, and we’re gonna talk some about networking. The more people you know, the better opportunities you can get, so long as someone doesn’t get mauled by an ocelot.”

"Whatever, they won't. Um, so introductions, right." Cheryl straightened up a bit on the desk, waving with a piece of bacon. "I'm Cheryl. Or Ms. Tunt. Or...the Baroness von Something. Can I make them call me that? Anyway, I've been working in an office for like, a billion years and I can tell you so much about networking because you will not believe the sheer amount of people with medication they're willing to s -- "

“Thaaaaaaat’s enough out of you,” Pam interrupted. “I’m Pam Poovey, and no, she’s not the Baroness of anything. I’m the Human Resources representative at ISIS, so I work on resolving conflict and making sure we all get along together. So! Let’s all go around the room and introduce ourselves! Name, what kind of career you’re thinking about, and what skills you can bring to a workplace.”

"Any skills you can think of," Cheryl added helpfully. "Like, literally anything. You would not believe the idiots we work with."

Bet they would, Cheryl.

(OOC: This is not taking place in the Danger Shop. There is a live ocelot in class. Feel free to pet him, but any scratches you get are real and are your own problem to deal with. He won't attack without provocation, promise. Also, Cheryl and Pam [ESPECIALLY Cheryl] are kind of ableist assholes. I know we've said this to death but yadda yadda disclaimer disclaimer, I'm sorry for your kids.)

Comments

Introductions [01/10]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

Name, career, skills, and thoughts on inappropriate pets in a classroom setting.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[iceolatedqueen.livejournal.com]

"Hello," Elsa said primly, standing to introduce herself. "I'm Elsa of Arendelle, and I'm looking toward a career in... government." That was nice and vague, Elsa. Good show. "I'm a quick study in history and international relations, and I've been studying everything from foreign languages to world geography since I was little."

Also, she couldn't stop staring at the ocelot.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

"Oh, government jobs are sweet," Pam said enthusiastically. "It's super-hard to get fired once you get one, and you get all the good benefits. Plus you get way more vacation time than Ms. Archer ever coughs up for us."

She didn't mean that kind of government job, Pam.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[iceolatedqueen.livejournal.com]

"And... which benefits are the good ones?"

It was sort of like a train wreck, and Elsa couldn't look away or resist asking.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

"Are you an albino?" Cheryl asked curiously. "You're just like, really pale."

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[iceolatedqueen.livejournal.com]

No no, silly Cheryl. She was simply ice-themed.

"... I don't think so?" Elsa was going to blink, baffled, all the same. "I guess not? I just don't get out much."

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[fly-so-serious.livejournal.com]

Joker kept craning his neck so he could check to make sure the ocelot wasn't coming anywhere near him.

"My name is Jeff Moreau, but I like to go by 'Joker'." He'd honestly thought about leaving off the nickname this time, because with two jokers up front who needed another one in the class? But then his classmates might get confused, and... yeah. Whatever. It was done, now.

"I'm going to be a pilot. As for skills in an office-type-thing... I work hard, I'm determined, I take good notes, I learn fast, I come up with good ideas, and I'm killer at answering phones with a smooth, sophisticated tone. Not so good at walking around."

Re: Introductions [01/10] (WARNING: ABLEISM)

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

Oh, no. Pam was going to have to take this one quickly, before Cheryl started to spaz out about the crippled kid.

"That's great!" Pam enthused. "Just 'cause you're disabled doesn't mean you can't be as good a pilot as anybody else! Planes don't have, like, foot-pedals or anything, do they?"

Oooooooh, yeah. And she was the better option. Sorry, Joker.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

"Oh my god, are you like, part robot?" Cheryl asked, eyes widening as she took in Joker's appearance.

WORST TEACHER EVER. WORST.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[3girls-1core.livejournal.com]

"My name's Zee and I'm not really sure what I want to be when I graduate," she said with a shrug. "But I'm good with a knife. That's a way more useful skill than, like, filing or taking notes."

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

"Okay, when you say you're good with a knife," Pam said. "Do you mean, like, you're some kind of butcher, or hunter, orrrrrrr are you looney-tunes like Neckbones over here and you like carving people up to see what makes 'em tick?"

Cheryl had never actually murdered any one, that Pam knew of.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

"You could be a highway bandit," Cheryl suggested helpfully. "They use knives, right?"

Because highway bandits are something that exist in the modern workplace, Cheryl. What the actual hell.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[pulseof_life]

"I am Yeul," she said, once it was her turn. "Do I need to pick a career for this class? I had not really thought about it."

Did seeress count as a career? She'd never really picked it.

"I am a seeress," Yeul added. "And... I am skilled at listening, amongst other things."

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

"I guess you don't need a career," Pam said brightly. "I mean, you can go for the trophy wife arrangement. Get a sugar daddy and make him pay for things. Some old rich people are gross, but just lie back and think of the sweet penthouse he bought you."

Pam and Cheryl were wonderful role models.

"Or you can just be some kind of hobo," she suggested. "Ride the trains around and do day labor for money. Play guitar in the subway terminal and see if people will put money in your cup."

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

"Okay if you're trying to be serious," that's not what she said, Cheryl, "then let's start with dyeing your hair a normal color. Because you just look like a teenager looking for attention. Oh, wait...you probably are, huh? My bad."

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[voiceoverdue]

"Hi! I'm Cecil. I'm going to be a radio host - again - and...I guess I've got some office skills. I can read English and some runes and Modified Sumerian. I can make coffee. And I'm really good at hiding and running."

That was an important office skill in Night Vale.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

"Wow, way to make yourself sound like a total wuss," Cheryl said thoughtfully, tsking. "Probably oughta work on that last one, buddy."

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

Finally, someone to talk about office skills! Even if he was being kind of creepy about it.

"Where's the office, in Denmark?" asked Pam. Because that sounded kind of rune-ish, and she had no idea where Sumeria was. "The question is, does your coffee turn out like sludge, or is it decent?"

Pam didn't question the running and hiding. Considering Ms. Archer's mood swings, those were pretty important at ISIS, too.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[rilla-myrilla.livejournal.com]

"I'm Rilla Blythe and I'm planning to get married," Rilla said, "but there's a war going on at home and I don't know how long it might be until he returns, so I thought it best to keep my options...open."

And the ocelot hadn't been on the syllabus.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[notmysupervisor.livejournal.com]

"Smart. This is my favorite, right here," Cheryl said, pointing at Rilla. "You get yourself that sugar daddy and don't ever work. God, I wish I could like, be a housewife. That sounds awesome."

Cheryl's idea of "housewife" mostly involved lying around in a bathtub with plenty of illegal substances around, so...probably different from Rilla's.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

"Plus you never know what happens in war," Pam added. "Maybe he gets home and he's all crazy with PTSD and stabs somebody at a Mooby's, or he gets hooked on strippers and blows all your rent money on some chick named Candi. Make sure you've got a back-up in case Captain Dreamboat turns into your worst nightmare."

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[tigerundercover]

"I'm Raven Darkholme," Raven said. "And, uh." She really hadn't thought about this much. When she was from, girls only had so many options. "I guess I want to be an activist. My family has some money, so it's okay that it doesn't pay a lot." Or at all.

She was rich and ambition-less. But not really crazy yet. Any advice for that, Cheryl?

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

"See, you don't even need a sugar daddy if you've already got money," Pam enthused. "Like Bird Legs here. She only comes into work because of how much she hates everybody."

Do not take any of Cheryl's advice, Raven. Ever. On anything.

"One of the agents at ISIS used to be an activist," she said. "Throwing paint on people wearing fur coats an' shit. She had the hottest afro back then, too."

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[sciencesalarian.livejournal.com]

"Greetings. Mordin Solus. Salarian visitor." Mordin inhaled deeply. "Hoping to become doctor. Or professor. Have not entirely decided. Focus on biology. Skills in labwork, though. Could be useful as researcher. Enthused about teamwork. Back-and-forth, vigorous intellectual debate. Thrilling."

Yikes, sorry on the late late post. RL shenanigans happened.

Re: Introductions [01/10]

[holyshitsnacks.livejournal.com]

Pam was staring. In fact, Pam was staring a lot.

"Sooooooooooooooooo," she said. "Did you used to be normal, and something really, really awful happened? Or have you always been, like, a big freaky bug-lookin' thing?"

Mordin was lucky it was Pam reacting first. Cheryl wasn't going to be this nice.

(THEY ARE GOING TO BE AWFUL TO HIM. I HOPE THAT IS OKAY? THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD WITH "OTHER." LIKE, AT ALL. LIKE, SERIOUSLY, AT ALL.)