fandomhigh | Practical Philosophy, Monday

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practical philosophy

Practical Philosophy, Monday

The sky was overcast, but the temperatures weren't terribly low and the threat of rain not so high that Ender opted to stay indoors. Instead they were out on the dorm lawn again, a bag of sandwiches sitting in what would soon be the center of a circle of students.

Before he started talking in general, he glanced towards Yeul and said, "I'd like to see you after class, please."

Then his attention shifted. "Last week, we experienced some interesting events," Ender said, only a little dry humor obvious from his tone of voice. "The peppers were a nuisance, that's for sure. I hope all of you made it through unharmed and unsinged." They usually did at Fandom-- he didn't think he spotted any major injuries.

"Now, the phones are a semi-annual problem. I've experienced that one several times since I came here. I always don't realize what is going on until I've already made a few calls of my own - and I'm always left wondering what prompted me to respond in the first place," he said. "What is it that makes us want to say something back when someone says something to us? Why can't we just let obviously confused, crazy people be?"

He shrugged. "Maybe it's because our lives are built and supported by our ability to communicate, so when someone communicates oddly at us, we're alarmed," he said. "Maybe we've just all got tempers. Maybe we're just trying to turn a freak occasion into some amusement for ourselves. Or maybe it's just human nature for the entire tribe to start shouting when one member does."

He stretched his legs out. "How was your week?" he asked.

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"My week was pretty quiet," Evan admitted. "I might not have even noticed the peppers if I didn't have to take my dog for a walk."

And that had mostly been an exercise in holding Ozzy back and punching any peppers that came too close to the pup with a fist the size of a small car. Because nobody messed with Evan's dog.

"I kind of thought it was another of those weird few days where people are a little crazy, when I started getting strange phone messages," he admitted, "but... I guess I did reply to them, too. Some of them were just so confusing, I felt like I had to try to get some clarification, because maybe if I wasn't understanding them completely, it's because of something I just... wasn't in a position to know already. I can't stand that feeling of ignorance, when the solution could be as easy as just asking for clarification."

"I hope Ozzy was okay," Yeul said, leaning forward to look at him.

"Ozzy was fine," Evan replied with a little smile. "I mean... I didn't take him so far from the dorms that we couldn't make a run for it after he was done doing his business. And... I handled the peppers easily enough."

What the giant fist didn't take care of, his eye blasts had.

"I didn't want to have him out for long, anyhow. I'm pretty sure hot peppers are bad for puppies even when they're not breathing fire."

"I am glad the both of you are fine," Yeul said, smiling. "And that you had no problems with the peppers."

As for the rest...

"I did not know that about peppers," she added, tilting her head. "Though that would make sense."

"You have to be careful about what puppies eat," Evan shared, nodding. "They'll try to put almost anything into their mouths, so when you take them out for a walk or something, it's kind of always an exercise in keeping them away from loose garbage and things like that. Ozzy likes to chew stuff."

He'd gone through so many pairs of shoes, Yeul. So many.

"That makes me wonder if all your things have been chewed," she teased gently. "Maybe when Ozzy does that to your things, it is a sign of affection."

'I love you, so I will eat your shoes' was perfectly valid reasoning, right?

"Then Ozzy must love me more than anything in the world," Evan laughed. "He even eats my books."

Because Ozzy.

"Perhaps paper is delicious," she said, teasing. "And I'm sure he loves you very much."

"That's a good trait," Ender said. "It's easy to take the convenient answer - that someone's just being crazy or they don't know what they're talking about. Pressing on is harder. Even if it didn't exactly pay off right now."

It probably just added to the confusion.

It had totally just added to the confusion.

"I try not to get too frustrated when I can't get an answer, at least," Evan ventured. "Especially for stuff like this, that doesn't really matter all that much anyway. But when it didn't make any sense until I listened to the radio the next day, it did bug me a bit. I had messages where people I respect were telling me that they were going to try to avoid me, things like that... And I didn't know why."

"Were you upset?" Ender asked, tilting his head.

"A little," Evan admitted after a moment. "Not knowing what's going on bothers me, maybe a little too much. So does that feeling like there's some kind of joke that everyone but me might be in on, and nobody is telling. That one is a hard one to shake."

"I think considering your background," Ender said thoughtfully, "Being sensitive to ignorance makes a great deal of sense. Wouldn't you say?"

"It... does," Evan agreed, speaking slowly while he processed Ender's logic. "I just... I try not to let it get to me too much, either. I, um. I kind of have a temper, and I'm not entirely myself when I lose it."

I a very literal, rather terrifying sort of way.

"And you're frightened of losing control," Ender said. He didn't exactly need to ask. "You spend a lot of time at odds with yourself?"

"I never used to," Evan replied softly, "but lately... Yeah, kind of. It's one of the reasons I prefer to just keep to myself and read. If I get angry at a book, nobody's really going to get hurt because of it."

Whereas if he got angry at people, if someone unwittingly stepped on one of the triggers that switched his temper to on, there could very easily go the neighborhood.

Ender nodded.

He waited a moment, to make sure Evan was done and settled. Then he asked, "What makes you angry, Evan?"

Evan's shoulder hitched up a little bit.

"Not much," he said, finally. "I'm usually pretty good at biting it back. But people saying mean things about people I care about... That can do it. People hurting people I care about... I mean, being angry at that sort of thing is understandable, but I... tend to get kind of carried away when I actually react to it. People can say or do things to me and I can usually just tough it out."

"Do you have any idea why you get carried away?" Ender asked quietly.

Oh, did Evan ever. But it took him a moment to kind of nerve himself up to a reply, and even when he did, it was directed toward his knees in a bit of a mumble.

"It's part of what I am," he replied, quietly. "And where I came from, and sometimes there's just too much... too much me for me to handle, and I can't catch it all and pull it back in fast enough."

"Do you feel like you're just fumbling around for control?" Ender asked. He kept his voice calm - made sure there wasn't any note of judgment in there.

Evan didn't speak in reply to that. He just winced a little. And then, as if the wince wasn't reply enough, he added a small, tentative nod.

"And then something bad happens," Ender said quietly, "And you try to force it. But-- outside of yourself."

In some strange way, Evan made him think of Peter. Not this Peter, but the one he was when they were younger.

Evan could probably pull his knees in closer to his chest if he tried, but that would require powers that he wasn't about to start using here in class.

"I don't want this to be a part of me," he settled on, softly. "But it is, and it always will be. Sometimes, I can forget that it's there, and sometimes I find myself standing in ashes and all I can remember is wanting to hurt people as badly as they hurt me. To make sure that they can't do it again."

"There are other ways to keep people from hurting you again," Ender said quietly. "But they're more complicated to learn. They require you to know yourself. And they won't wipe away what's already happened."

There was a great deal of compassion in his eyes. This was not unfamiliar territory.

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