fandomhigh | Practical Philosophy, Monday

The sky was overcast, but the temperatures weren't terribly low and the threat of rain not so high that Ender opted to stay indoors. Instead they were out on the dorm lawn again, a bag of sandwiches sitting in what would soon be the center of a circle of students.

Before he started talking in general, he glanced towards Yeul and said, "I'd like to see you after class, please."

Then his attention shifted. "Last week, we experienced some interesting events," Ender said, only a little dry humor obvious from his tone of voice. "The peppers were a nuisance, that's for sure. I hope all of you made it through unharmed and unsinged." They usually did at Fandom-- he didn't think he spotted any major injuries.

"Now, the phones are a semi-annual problem. I've experienced that one several times since I came here. I always don't realize what is going on until I've already made a few calls of my own - and I'm always left wondering what prompted me to respond in the first place," he said. "What is it that makes us want to say something back when someone says something to us? Why can't we just let obviously confused, crazy people be?"

He shrugged. "Maybe it's because our lives are built and supported by our ability to communicate, so when someone communicates oddly at us, we're alarmed," he said. "Maybe we've just all got tempers. Maybe we're just trying to turn a freak occasion into some amusement for ourselves. Or maybe it's just human nature for the entire tribe to start shouting when one member does."

He stretched his legs out. "How was your week?" he asked.

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"Who do you want to be, Evan?" Ender asked. His own voice hadn't changed in volume one bit.

"I... I know who I don't want to be," Evan replied. "That's not quite the same thing." He lifted his chin a little. "I... I want to be somebody that people know they can rely on. Someone who people aren't afraid of just because of who I could have been, because of who part of me is."

Somehow, his go-to answer of 'I want to be a hero just wasn't specific enough for that question, this time.

"I want to be somebody worth being."

"We are all at some time in our lives somebody worth being," Ender said lightly. "We all do something, at some point, that isn't entirely done for our own benefit."

But that wasn't the point.

"You have to know yourself to change yourself actively, though," he said. "You have to look at what you do when you aren't in control - the things you do because you don't know a better way to do it. You can't find that better way to do it until you know exactly why you do it the worst way."

"What if... What if it's a part of me that I'm too scared to ever get to know?"

What if he saw the way his genetic predecessor had been for thousands of years, and he agreed with it? What if, in the wake of what Daken and Sabretooth and the Shadow King and Mystique did to him, he agreed, deep down, in 'survival of the fittest' and that he was the one meant to decide who the fittest really were?

"What if it's bigger than me?"

"Then eventually you'll stop being afraid of it, and you'll start being angry about it," Ender said, though his expression was anything but unkind. "You can't control what you don't understand."

"The last thing I need is to be angry about some anger management issues," Evan conceded, nodding a little and looking back down at the grass again. "I... can try..."

He didn't want to. God, he didn't want to. He wanted to lock himself away with his books and never come out again, if his only other option was facing that.

But that wasn't an option. He got that much.

"You already are," Sholeh told him, worming her hand in his. "Someone worth being, I mean. You care about other people and you keep caring. And maybe you've made some mistake--some costly, hurtful mistakes--but you keep trying to be better. A lot of people are just happy to just decide that they're meant to be terrible and stop trying."

"That's... part of what I'm afraid will happen," Evan admitted quietly, closing his hand around hers and not letting go for the life of him. "I... I know how easy it is to do the wrong thing. I'm scared that someday, something is going to push me too hard to remember that it's... it's worth it to make the difficult choice."

"I don't really know what to tell you," Sholeh said, apologetic. There wasn't anything she'd read in a book that could help him solve that problem. "But I'm willing to stand there and being part of what makes that difficult choice worth it for as long as you like."

Forever? And ever?

Evan gave Sholeh a small, thankful smile at that, giving her hand a little squeeze before leaning against her and nodding.

"That means a lot to me, Sholeh," he murmured. "Thank you."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there before," she said. "I mean, after the dungeon, when I just hid away? I'm sorry for that. I didn't know what else to do, but it shouldn't have been that."

"You were hurt," Evan noted, quietly, "and scared. I'm sorry I didn't come find you, either. I wasn't entirely okay at the time, either... I did the same thing."

He offered her a wobbly attempt at a smile.

"From now on, we find each other, maybe...? So we don't have to be hurt and scared alone?"

"That would probably be a really good idea," Sholeh said, her own smile a little firmer. "Yeul hugged me a lot in the library last week."

She nudged Evan. "Thanks for letting her know how I like my cocoa. It was a good surprise."

"With a little bit of cinnamon?" Evan smiled and ducked his head slightly, blushing just a little. "She asked, and I knew the answer. Why wouldn't I have told her?"

In this case, Evan, it was probably more that you knew at all.

Practical Philosophy, Monday

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