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Library, Wednesday, All Day

Sholeh had been excited to go to the library today. After two days of classes and with a plan to meet with Yeul had her more cheerful than she'd been in weeks.

...That cheer did not last long past her first interaction with flying, fire-breathing vegetables. She'd gotten chased all the way to the school doors after stepping outside of the dorms. She'd been dive-bombed, one of the ribbons in her hair was scorched, and it didn't matter how many times she glanced out the windows, they were still there.

Lurking.

Waiting.

Buzzing.

After recovering from her headlong dash, Sholeh marched right to the desk and started looking up ways to kill these nasty little things. She was going to try to invent some kind of spray-bottle flyswatter by the end of her shift if it was the last thing she did!

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Hey look! It was like Sholeh could blush on cue!

"Oh," she said, ducking her head a little to hide her blush. And dimples. "And he knew? That's really sweet. I mean, that you thought to ask."

And that he knew.

"I didn't think to bring you anything..."

"He knew," she confirmed. "I do not believe he had to even think about it before answering me."

Yeul lifted her own drink with another smile. "And do not worry yourself," she said lightly. "I brought something for myself which means neither of us will go without."

"Oh good," Sholeh said, focusing on Yeul's drink so that she didn't keep blushing. She did smile a small, secret little smile into her cup of cocoa, but that was different.

Somehow.

Really.

"I'm really glad you came," Sholeh said after she'd enjoyed a sip or two. "I'm only starting to realize how much I missed people while I was hiding away. The start of classes has really been good for me."

Yeul tilted her head slightly. "Have your classes been good to you because of the routine and having to get out and about?" she asked. "Or is it because they give you more to think about?"

Or all of the above?

"Yes to both," Sholeh said honestly. "But...more because it gets me out and around people again. I spent several weeks hiding and it's good to remember there are reasons not to hide. Like you and Evan and my other friends."

"I'm glad," Yeul replied gently. "You do seem a bit happier than you were on Monday."

"I am," Sholeh said firmly, with a nod. "I'm not hiding anymore. That in itself is better."

She'd taken a tentative step outside and, not only had the world not bit her, it had even welcomed her a bit. That boosted her confidence to some degree.

...Though the flaming jalapenos were making a decent case for hiding again.

The flaming jalapenos were nothing, Sholeh! Nothing!

"You make a case for it." She smiled and then sipped her drink slowly before asking, "What were you hiding from, Sholeh?"

Oooh, now there was the million dollar question. Sholeh's eyes immediately dropped and she began fidgeting. "Not exactly what," she mumbled. "More like a 'who.' But I guess a 'what' as well, since I was pretty scared of my own shadow for awhile there..."

She talked in circles for a few moments more before asking, "You remember the dungeons, right?"

Dumb question, but it made for a decent enough opening to toe at.

"I do," Yeul said gently.

She thought of adding more to it but, after a moment's reflection, decided that it didn't need more than that. Especially not when the dungeons had held no fear to her.

"I died in them," Sholeh said quietly. "I was...killed. By a friend."

She also thought that that needed no more explanation.

It didn't, really, and she was sorry for that.

She was sorry that it had happened too.

"Oh, Sholeh," she said, stepping around the desk in order to offer her a hug. "You should not have had to go through that."

Sholeh was happy to cling tightly back. She needed this. She'd cut herself off from most people, but she'd needed this. Even back home, her mothers had been there to hug her when she was hurting. Here--it wasn't accurate to say she had no one. She did--she'd just pushed them all away while she hid.

"It was terrifying," she mumbled, the words just coming faster now that she'd opened the dam. "He held me tight and I couldn't run, couldn't break away, and his teeth were in my neck and he just kept drinking and drinking and I got dizzy and weak and I couldn't stand and he just...followed me to the ground."

Yeul stroked Sholeh's hair comfortingly, holding her just as tightly as she needed, and listened with a quiet intensity.

"And then eventually it ended," she said quietly, when Sholeh took a moment's pause. "Not in rescue but... it ended."

Poor Sholeh, who never should have undergone that. Yeul looked for the words to help her.

"I remember it," Sholeh said softly. "The whole thing. I remember. It almost felt like I was spiraling down. I just felt so...heavy. Like keeping my eyes open was too much effort. And the whole time, I waited for someone to save me. I thought Evan would come, or someone else, or he would realize what was happening and stop. But no one came. And he didn't stop."

A long, shaky breath.

"Then, I stopped. I ended. I wasn't even scared, at the end. Just disappointed. I felt like I didn't matter. I was just like...'this is it?' And died."

Not alone. But considering what her sisters had gone through, she almost wished she had been.

Yeul closed her eyes.

"That's what death is," she said quietly. "Songs and stories and people will talk about the other aspects. The emotions behind someone who chooses to die or who laid down their life in honor of their country. But when it all comes down to it, all death is... is an ending."

She had no idea if that was comforting or not. Yeul was rapidly realizing that, due to the subject, she was peculiarly out of her depth. Death didn't matter to her and it mattered a great deal to Sholeh.

"I am glad you came back," she continued, not letting her hesitation seep into her words. "I think you are worth something. That you matter. There are no words for how sorry I am that you went through that and I cannot even tell you it's over, since you are still dealing with it and will be, for a while."

Had it mattered to Yeul the first time? If Sholeh knew even the smallest fraction of Yeul's lives and experiences, she'd wonder that.

"I still have nightmares about it," Sholeh admitted. "And...I think I lost a friend. I'm not mad at him anymore--" though her sisters were "--but I am scared of him. And I know that's not even fair, because he's not the monster he was...but I look at him and I can only see his face the way it was. I can hear him laughing at my struggles, at my begging. Feel the strength in his hands as he crushed me tight and I--"

She shook her head wildly and stopped speaking, chest heaving hard.

"I have trouble breathing."

Yeul loosened her arms around Sholeh, giving the other girl more room to breathe but not letting go.

"Breathe in through your nose," she said gently. There were other things to address but first Sholeh needed to breathe. "For the count of three... two... one. Then hold it for the same period of time." Three, two, one. "Now exhale through your mouth, like you're blowing on soup, and repeat."

It had mattered.

It would dumb for Sholeh to mess this up. She already knew how to breathe, right? She'd been doing it her whole life. She shouldn't even need instructions for something this basic.

But she did. Because when she thought about it, her breathing really did get out of control. Having Yeul's calm voice in her ear, walking her through something this simple, this basic, this silly--it helped. Helped a lot.

And Yeul didn't make Sholeh feel like she thought it was silly. That also helped a lot.

So Sholeh just breathed for a little while, feeling her heart slow to normal. And this time, when she cried, it was in relief.

"Thank you," she said.

"You're welcome," she said softly. "If you need help again, please call me." She really would walk Sholeh through breathing over the phone, if it came to that.

"And I want you to know," she continued, even gentler, "that the way you're reacting is not unusual. You're not flawed for being like this. Not even when it's cost you a friend."

"But--but it feels like everyone else is just over this!" Sholeh flared. Not angry at Yeul, no, but at herself for not being over it. At everyone else, for being that way or at least appearing to be so, making her doubt herself and her reactions. "But not me! I linger, I dwell! I didn't even suffer the most! I just--died! I wasn't a threat to anyone and so I just died! I was scared and useless and, in the end, I was just a snack to be eaten and dropped and then other people suffered because I couldn't take care of myself!"

Sorry for the emotional veering, Yeul. This whole thing was complicated.

Yeul let the anger wash over her and focused on the words. It was easy to do when Sholeh was so young.

"Sholeh," she said finally, "you cannot blame yourself for other people being hurt by your death. It is easy to do that." She still did it. "It's hard to not to. I know that. You probably will for a long time but you did nothing wrong."

She took a deep breath. "You were scared and defenseless and a target for a predator. None of that was your fault. You are not wrong or weak or useless for being scared or defenseless or being made a target. There is nothing to be ashamed of."

Yeul did not know if Sholeh would believe her but it had to be said.

"And Sholeh, there are a few reasons why other people might seem to be over this and you are not. One, that they've been through worse. Two, that they've a support network they relied on instead of hiding." She kept her voice very gentle to cushion the sting from those words. "Three, because they've been here long enough that they are jaded about the horrors the island can throw at them. You are not any of three. That doesn't make you weak, Sholeh."

Edited 2013-05-20 19:48 (UTC)

Hey! Sholeh was sixteen!

...A very young and sheltered sixteen. Yeul was not actually wrong in that.

"How can I not be ashamed?" Sholeh asked. "If I weren't weak and useless, I wouldn't have been defenseless! I might not even have been a target. I spent most of the time down there trying to stay conscious because I can't even go without food like a normal person. If I don't eat something small every few hours I faint. That's just ridiculous!"

"That's not ridiculous," Yeul said firmly. "That's a medical condition. That's not something to be ashamed of. Have you spoken to someone at the clinic about it? Perhaps they would be able to give you something that you could take when there's an emergency and you cannot eat when you need to. Would that help you feel less incapable?"

Yeul, it should be noted, did not think that Sholeh was incapable.

"As for being defenseless, there are ways to change that if you want to," Yeul said calmly. "Constructive ways. If you feel you are weak and incapable now, you do not have to remain that way."

"Talk to someone about it?" Sholeh, stop repeating everything Yeul said. You sounded like a parrot. A not-particularly bright parrot at that. "I--no? I mean I didn't think there was anything I could do about it, besides keep extra food handy when I start feeling dizzy."

Part of the problem with Tryadnea slowly dying around them. They hadn't just lost their gleaming cities and much of their arable land, they'd also lost so much in the way of art and medicine and science.

"I've tried taking some courses in learning to be better at fighting," she added, not wanting Yeul to think she was the kind of person who just whined about things but never did anything about them. "But I didn't seem to get any better and everyone else was so good, it seemed better to leave those classes to people who would benefit and not hold the others back."

Library, Wednesday, All Day

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