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Library, Wednesday, All Day

Sholeh had been excited to go to the library today. After two days of classes and with a plan to meet with Yeul had her more cheerful than she'd been in weeks.

...That cheer did not last long past her first interaction with flying, fire-breathing vegetables. She'd gotten chased all the way to the school doors after stepping outside of the dorms. She'd been dive-bombed, one of the ribbons in her hair was scorched, and it didn't matter how many times she glanced out the windows, they were still there.

Lurking.

Waiting.

Buzzing.

After recovering from her headlong dash, Sholeh marched right to the desk and started looking up ways to kill these nasty little things. She was going to try to invent some kind of spray-bottle flyswatter by the end of her shift if it was the last thing she did!

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Yeul closed her eyes.

"That's what death is," she said quietly. "Songs and stories and people will talk about the other aspects. The emotions behind someone who chooses to die or who laid down their life in honor of their country. But when it all comes down to it, all death is... is an ending."

She had no idea if that was comforting or not. Yeul was rapidly realizing that, due to the subject, she was peculiarly out of her depth. Death didn't matter to her and it mattered a great deal to Sholeh.

"I am glad you came back," she continued, not letting her hesitation seep into her words. "I think you are worth something. That you matter. There are no words for how sorry I am that you went through that and I cannot even tell you it's over, since you are still dealing with it and will be, for a while."

Had it mattered to Yeul the first time? If Sholeh knew even the smallest fraction of Yeul's lives and experiences, she'd wonder that.

"I still have nightmares about it," Sholeh admitted. "And...I think I lost a friend. I'm not mad at him anymore--" though her sisters were "--but I am scared of him. And I know that's not even fair, because he's not the monster he was...but I look at him and I can only see his face the way it was. I can hear him laughing at my struggles, at my begging. Feel the strength in his hands as he crushed me tight and I--"

She shook her head wildly and stopped speaking, chest heaving hard.

"I have trouble breathing."

Yeul loosened her arms around Sholeh, giving the other girl more room to breathe but not letting go.

"Breathe in through your nose," she said gently. There were other things to address but first Sholeh needed to breathe. "For the count of three... two... one. Then hold it for the same period of time." Three, two, one. "Now exhale through your mouth, like you're blowing on soup, and repeat."

It had mattered.

It would dumb for Sholeh to mess this up. She already knew how to breathe, right? She'd been doing it her whole life. She shouldn't even need instructions for something this basic.

But she did. Because when she thought about it, her breathing really did get out of control. Having Yeul's calm voice in her ear, walking her through something this simple, this basic, this silly--it helped. Helped a lot.

And Yeul didn't make Sholeh feel like she thought it was silly. That also helped a lot.

So Sholeh just breathed for a little while, feeling her heart slow to normal. And this time, when she cried, it was in relief.

"Thank you," she said.

"You're welcome," she said softly. "If you need help again, please call me." She really would walk Sholeh through breathing over the phone, if it came to that.

"And I want you to know," she continued, even gentler, "that the way you're reacting is not unusual. You're not flawed for being like this. Not even when it's cost you a friend."

"But--but it feels like everyone else is just over this!" Sholeh flared. Not angry at Yeul, no, but at herself for not being over it. At everyone else, for being that way or at least appearing to be so, making her doubt herself and her reactions. "But not me! I linger, I dwell! I didn't even suffer the most! I just--died! I wasn't a threat to anyone and so I just died! I was scared and useless and, in the end, I was just a snack to be eaten and dropped and then other people suffered because I couldn't take care of myself!"

Sorry for the emotional veering, Yeul. This whole thing was complicated.

Yeul let the anger wash over her and focused on the words. It was easy to do when Sholeh was so young.

"Sholeh," she said finally, "you cannot blame yourself for other people being hurt by your death. It is easy to do that." She still did it. "It's hard to not to. I know that. You probably will for a long time but you did nothing wrong."

She took a deep breath. "You were scared and defenseless and a target for a predator. None of that was your fault. You are not wrong or weak or useless for being scared or defenseless or being made a target. There is nothing to be ashamed of."

Yeul did not know if Sholeh would believe her but it had to be said.

"And Sholeh, there are a few reasons why other people might seem to be over this and you are not. One, that they've been through worse. Two, that they've a support network they relied on instead of hiding." She kept her voice very gentle to cushion the sting from those words. "Three, because they've been here long enough that they are jaded about the horrors the island can throw at them. You are not any of three. That doesn't make you weak, Sholeh."

Edited 2013-05-20 19:48 (UTC)

Hey! Sholeh was sixteen!

...A very young and sheltered sixteen. Yeul was not actually wrong in that.

"How can I not be ashamed?" Sholeh asked. "If I weren't weak and useless, I wouldn't have been defenseless! I might not even have been a target. I spent most of the time down there trying to stay conscious because I can't even go without food like a normal person. If I don't eat something small every few hours I faint. That's just ridiculous!"

"That's not ridiculous," Yeul said firmly. "That's a medical condition. That's not something to be ashamed of. Have you spoken to someone at the clinic about it? Perhaps they would be able to give you something that you could take when there's an emergency and you cannot eat when you need to. Would that help you feel less incapable?"

Yeul, it should be noted, did not think that Sholeh was incapable.

"As for being defenseless, there are ways to change that if you want to," Yeul said calmly. "Constructive ways. If you feel you are weak and incapable now, you do not have to remain that way."

"Talk to someone about it?" Sholeh, stop repeating everything Yeul said. You sounded like a parrot. A not-particularly bright parrot at that. "I--no? I mean I didn't think there was anything I could do about it, besides keep extra food handy when I start feeling dizzy."

Part of the problem with Tryadnea slowly dying around them. They hadn't just lost their gleaming cities and much of their arable land, they'd also lost so much in the way of art and medicine and science.

"I've tried taking some courses in learning to be better at fighting," she added, not wanting Yeul to think she was the kind of person who just whined about things but never did anything about them. "But I didn't seem to get any better and everyone else was so good, it seemed better to leave those classes to people who would benefit and not hold the others back."

"Perhaps talking to a healer or doctor here would be helpful," Yeul said gently. "There are worlds far more advanced than mine in medicine. I am sure this is the case with your world as well. It may be something that would benefit you to look into."

She smiled reassuringly. "I think many of the classes here are geared more for those who have had a lifetime of training. Perhaps a basic self-defense course on the mainland would be more your style? Something that does not teach you to fight so much as how to get away without getting hurt."

"I'd like that," Sholeh mused. "I don't think I'll ever be good at fighting. I don't want to fight and hurt people. But I don't want to get hurt, either."

Before, her plan had always been 'let Zeela come into view and have her handle everything,' but Fandom was quickly showing them all that that was not a viable option. It wouldn't be away from Tryadnea, either. Not if they didn't want their secret to be found out by every cutpurse in the city.

Speaking of secrets...

"Yeul, I know this sounds dumb, but...you can keep secrets, right? Really, really important secrets, not just who has a crush on who, or whatever other kinds of secrets people have?" Sholeh mainly only had the one, since she was pretty sure Yeul knew who she had a crush on. "Big, maybe life-endangering secrets? Not your life! Mine."

Yeul thought of the secret she was keeping. It was unavoidable given Sholeh's question.

There was really only one answer to the question though. "Yes," she said simply, "I can keep secrets. Even the big, important ones."

Sholeh glanced around for squirrels, then motioned Yeul to follow her. When they were good and lost in the stacks, she turned back around to face her friend, rubbing suddenly-sweaty palms on her skirt. "This is kinda weird, so don't freak out, okay?" she said.

"It's just that...when I talked about people suffering because I died, I didn't just mean people who felt bad, like Evan. I meant people really and truly suffered. Because, well, see...they were trapped with me. In me. And couldn't get out. This will make more sense when I show you my secret."

And then Sholeh closed her eyes and let her oldest sister come into view.

"Hi Yeul," Zhari said, looking a little unsure. "Been awhile, huh?"

Yeul had followed silently, primarily concerned for Sholeh and at a loss as to what the secret could be, if they needed to be deep in the stacks. Something to show her?

Then Sholeh warned her not to freak out which was, Yeul thought, more for Sholeh's sake than her own.

The rest of her words bore that out.

Then it was Zhari in front of her, looking uncertain, and all of the nervousness made sense. Yeul, however, had many, many lifetimes of not being surprised by anything to fall back on.

"Hello Zhari," she said, smiling gently, wanting to put the other girl at ease. "I had not realized Sholeh was one of your sisters."

"My baby sister," Zhari answered, which probably explained a lot about Sholeh's relative youth. "Zeela's in between. Oh, and, uh, you may have figured it out by now, but my name is actually Zhahar. Though I'm using Zhari here at the school because..."

Because running around calling yourself 'Zhahar' after your little sister was already known as Sholeh Zeela a Zhahar was just asking to be outed.

"You...you don't seem surprised. Did you guess?" Now Zhahar looked somewhere between relieved and crestfallen. It was a really good secret, okay?

It was a really good secret!

Yeul's smile nudged over into sort of amused. "I did not guess," she said. "I am just... very difficult to surprise. And both you and Sholeh have mentioned sisters and being close to them." She'd guessed at their relationship but nothing else. "Do you prefer if I go on using Zhari? Or would you prefer Zhahar?"

"Zhari, please," she replied quickly. "We can't let people know that we're connected like that and if you use my real name, people will start to guess." Zhahar chuckled, though she didn't really find anything funny. "People get nervous when they find out they're going to school with demons."

Because that was what they were, didn't you know? Totally demons. Yup!

...At least, that was what everyone else called them.

"Zhari, then," she said agreeably, then hesitated. "Do your people go by the name demons?"

Because... well... that was not a very nice word.

Zhari nodded, reluctantly. "Well, I mean, we think of ourselves as Tryadneans. Three-in-one. But I guess we're technically part of a demon race. There are lots of them in our world. We're not really demonic, though. I mean, we don't even have magic. Just we're born as three children in one body."

But that was enough for some people.

"That's what Sholeh meant by suffering, though. We were trapped in her dead body for the rest of that week. To lose a sibling is a terrible, terrible thing. But to remain stuck within the shell? To remain voiceless and eyeless and formless? That was..." She shivered. "We were all a little traumatized when we left the dungeon."

Sholeh might have been the baby of the three of them but, really, after listening to that (could you hear the sound of Yeul's heart breaking?) there was really only one thing she could say.

"Did you want a hug?" she asked quietly. "I think you each deserve hugs of your own."

Even though she was almost certain that she'd never met Zeela.

"I--" Zhari hadn't been expecting that offer, no. "I think I would, please."

Look, it had been a really tough experience for all of them, okay! No judging. It felt really nice for Zhahar to be able to set aside her big-sister-cares and just enjoy a moment when she was comforted and babied.

"Thank you."

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Library, Wednesday, All Day

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