Childcare For Dummies [Thursday, May 31, 2012]

[mouthy-merc.livejournal.com]

Class today had been handwavily informed to meet in the Danger Shop where a series of mini-vans were lined up and waiting for them. Clearly this could only end in happiness and laughter as children were always well behaved in a car.

"Welcome back, kiddos!" Deadpool said brightly. "I see you didn't end up dead in a ditch after the weekend holiday. Wait, did we have a holiday? I can't remember. Canadian and all."

“Holiday,” Anakin confirmed, nodding. “Full of screaming, crying roadtrips.”

Spoilers, kids!

The Danger Shop, on cue, started to make it rain. Anakin pulled his hood up over his hair.

Deadpool was grinning that sort of smile that would imply someone would end up dead soon. "You're gonna get put into pairs to act as mommy and daddy. Or daddy and daddy. Mommy and mommy. Nongendered alien and nongendered alien. Whatever. And you're gonna see what fun it is to take care of a screaming ball of rage, apple juice, and vomit is while driving at the saaaame time.”

“It’s not fun.” Yes, Anakin, they got that. From the various vans came the whining pleas of children:

“I’m hungry!”

“I’m thirsty!”

“I haaaaate apple juice!”

“I have to PEE RIGHT NOW.”

Anakin handed the poor students maps, which may or may not have been in English. “You are here. You have to get to the other star on the map without killing your partner, yourself, or any of the children. And you’re also low on gas.”

"Enjooooooy!"

Comments

Partner Up and Drive

[mouthy-merc.livejournal.com]

And pray your child is sleepy. Spoiler alert: They're not.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[inaskinnyway.livejournal.com]

Susan always tended to remain calm when faced with a challenge in this class. That didn't mean she wasn't mentally steeling herself for having to deal with this.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[rilla-myrilla.livejournal.com]

"I don't know how to drive," Rilla admitted quietly. "Do you?"

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[inaskinnyway.livejournal.com]

"No," Susan admitted. "But I imagine it's not difficult once you learn the basics."

Oh, this would go well.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[rilla-myrilla.livejournal.com]

"You seem more confident than me about it," Rilla said. "You drive and I can read the map!"

Recipe for disaster.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[inaskinnyway.livejournal.com]

"That does mean you'll be in a better position to handle the child," Susan pointed out in case Rilla wanted to change her mind.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[rilla-myrilla.livejournal.com]

"I handle Jims just fine," Rilla assured her. "We took several train trips together. This cannot be that much more challenging."

Rilla was wrong.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[inaskinnyway.livejournal.com]

"All right, then you get things settled while I try and figure out what I'm doing driving," said Susan. Since she'd never seen a car before and all.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[rilla-myrilla.livejournal.com]

Rilla conducted a series of increasingly testy discussions with the sticky, horrible child in the back seat who decided that he now hated apple juice even though Rilla could clearly see three apple juice boxes that he'd already finished.

Apparently a "grumpy wizard" had dropped them off. Rilla doubted that a lot.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[inaskinnyway.livejournal.com]

Once Susan was reasonably sure that she could at least not get them killed, she said, "Is everyone wearing their... belt things?"

Safety first.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[rilla-myrilla.livejournal.com]

"Yes," Rilla replied.

"Noooooope," came the voice in the backseat, sounding very smug.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[inaskinnyway.livejournal.com]

"Put it on," Susan said firmly.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[rilla-myrilla.livejournal.com]

"Don't know hoooooooow," came the whine from the back.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," Rilla muttered, unstrapping herself and climbing over her seat to get in the back.

Thirty seconds later she was still stymied by the thing. "There are too many straps."

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[twintuitionist.livejournal.com]

Juliet was a New Yorker. She figured she'd learn to drive eventually, but it hadn't exactly happened yet. Trying again with a whiny kid on the car seemed like a good way to get fake-killed.

She hoped her partner was a little more comfortable behind the wheel.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[dollpocalypse]

This driving business did not seem like a fun task to Topher at all.

"You think leaving the kids unattended in the minivans might get the teachers in enough trouble for us to have a case here?" he muttered to his partner.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[myownface]

Sparkle considered this for all of three seconds, and then shrugged, grinning a little.

"Probably not, since they're fake kids," he pointed out. "You know how to drive, anyhow? 'Cause I don't."

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[dollpocalypse]

"Ish," Topher said with a shrug. "I'll give it a shot if you stay on make-the-kids-shut-up duty."

That did not seem very fair.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[myownface]

Not even remotely, and Sparkle's wrinkled nose said about as much, too.

"... Don't suppose there's any duct tape in there anywhere?"

No, Sparkle. That would be the wrong thing to do.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[dollpocalypse]

"Check the glove compartment," Topher suggested, hopping into the driver's seat.

Oh good god. This was going to end badly.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[myownface]

Yeah. Yeah, Sparkle was doing just that.

"There's a roadmap," he noted, poking through the contents of the glove compartment. "And some stale goldfish crackers. And the registration for the van..."

He pulled out the map.

"Bet I could wad this up and stick it in the kid's mouth like a sock, though."

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[dollpocalypse]

"Perfect," Topher decided. "You do that, I'll... take the goldfish crackers."

...

"They're not that stale," he announced. "Want?"

Seriously, neither of these kids should ever be allowed to reproduce.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[myownface]

"Gimmie."

Yep.

... Yep.

Sparkle was now ripping up the map and wadding it up into a ball big enough to fit into a little kid's mouth.

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[dollpocalypse]

"Waaaait," Topher said after the map had been balled-up. "Was that the same map we're supposed to consult to figure out where we're going?"

Because that would be... unfortunate. He checked his pockets, then unveiled a duplicate.

"Never mind! False alarm. Go for it."

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[myownface]

"This one's got some weird stains on it anyhow," Sparkle reasoned, gleefully reaching to the back seat to attempt to manoeuvre it into the little kid's mouth.

This could only end in tears.

"Pretty sure it's grape juice."

Re: Partner Up and Drive

[dollpocalypse]

"Hey, it's a gag and nourishment!" Topher proclaimed.

They were the best parents in the whole world.

"So... now comes the driving part, right?" Topher jammed at a button to see if it was at all helpful in that regard.

Nope. It was the radio.