fandomhigh | Childcare For Dummies [Thursday, May 31, 2012]

Class today had been ~~handwavily~~ informed to meet in the Danger Shop where a series of mini-vans were lined up and waiting for them. Clearly this could only end in happiness and laughter as children were always well behaved in a car.

"Welcome back, kiddos!" Deadpool said brightly. "I see you didn't end up dead in a ditch after the weekend holiday. Wait, did we have a holiday? I can't remember. Canadian and all."

“Holiday,” Anakin confirmed, nodding. “Full of screaming, crying roadtrips.”

Spoilers, kids!

The Danger Shop, on cue, started to make it rain. Anakin pulled his hood up over his hair.

Deadpool was grinning that sort of smile that would imply someone would end up dead soon. "You're gonna get put into pairs to act as mommy and daddy. Or daddy and daddy. Mommy and mommy. Nongendered alien and nongendered alien. Whatever. And you're gonna see what fun it is to take care of a screaming ball of rage, apple juice, and vomit is while driving at the saaaame time.”

“It’s not fun.” Yes, Anakin, they got that. From the various vans came the whining pleas of children:

“I’m hungry!”

“I’m thirsty!”

“I haaaaate apple juice!”

“I have to PEE RIGHT NOW.”

Anakin handed the poor students maps, which may or may not have been in English. “You are here. You have to get to the other star on the map without killing your partner, yourself, or any of the children. And you’re also low on gas.”

"Enjooooooy!"

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Confused by that statement, Susan turned back to look at what was going on.

"Was that thing put together by a bored wizard?"

"It wouldn't surprise me," Rilla groused. "Maybe we can just tell him to stay still?"

"I don't think that's very safe and I've never actually driven," Susan pointed out, and got out of the car. "Let me try."

Surely she could manage a few straps.

"Please," Rilla said. "I'm at a loss."

And was a few minutes from just wrapping the belts around the kid's head and calling it good.

Once Susan got a good look at the thing, figuring out the belts wasn't difficult for her. But just when she thought she might successfully get the kid strapped in, he'd start wiggling around and yelling that he didn't want straps.

"You need straps," she said, "because if something happens you'll fly through a glass windshield and it will go very badly for you."

What, she was being honest.

"Would I get bandaids?"

Oh, the logic of four year olds.

Rilla frowned at him. "Not if you were trying to get some."

"And if you behave now, then you'll earn some good favor later in this trip," Susan said. "You will probably want that."

Rilla nodded solemnly. The boy considered that, then declared, "I want to color."

Susan looked around and asked, "Are there materials around that you saw?" f yes, this part would be easy. If not...

"I don't like them," he declared, sticking his lower lip out. "I want markers."

Rilla stared at him. "What's the matter with what you have?"

"I. Don't. LIIIIIIIIKE THEM!"

"There's nothing wrong with what you have," Susan said, folding her arms. "And you color with those, or you don't color at all."

Which just set him off wailing.

Rilla rolled her eyes at Susan. "Maybe if we start moving, he'll fall asleep?"

"Or get bored of crying," Susan said, telling herself that she'd just prepare to listen to this all day if she had to. If it wasn't this class she was sure he would tire of it eventually.

With a faint sigh you'd only hear if you were listening for it, Susan got back in the car.

"How far are these two dots apart anyway?" Rilla said, having to yell to Susan over the howling in the back seat.

"Too far, naturally. They probably get further apart the longer we drive," Susan said, starting the car.

Or, trying to, and making a horrible sound instead as the engine turned over but didn't start because she didn't turn the ignition far enough.

Clearing her throat like that would cover it, she started it successfully on the second try. She could do this.

"At least we're not covered in applesauce and diaper mess?" Rilla offered optimistically.

"Don't get too ahead of yourself," she said.

"I NEED TO PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Rilla sighed. "You'll just have to hold it."

Susan made a mental note to always make sure to ask before they left. Especially since she was working on making the car move without jerking too much, which probably didn't help the situation.

"We'll be there soon enough," she said. "Color."

Potential yelling about markers was preferable to potentially cleaning up anything wet.

"Turn left," Rilla said, looking at the map. "I think."

Susan took the left turn at maybe two miles an hour. "Does this seem right?" she checked. "Tell me now, while I can fix it."

With slow right hand turns blind grandmas would complain about.

"Yes, that's right," Rilla said over the wails from the backseat.

Childcare For Dummies [Thursday, May 31, 2012]

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