fandomhigh | Childcare For Dummies [Thursday, May 31, 2012]

Class today had been ~~handwavily~~ informed to meet in the Danger Shop where a series of mini-vans were lined up and waiting for them. Clearly this could only end in happiness and laughter as children were always well behaved in a car.

"Welcome back, kiddos!" Deadpool said brightly. "I see you didn't end up dead in a ditch after the weekend holiday. Wait, did we have a holiday? I can't remember. Canadian and all."

“Holiday,” Anakin confirmed, nodding. “Full of screaming, crying roadtrips.”

Spoilers, kids!

The Danger Shop, on cue, started to make it rain. Anakin pulled his hood up over his hair.

Deadpool was grinning that sort of smile that would imply someone would end up dead soon. "You're gonna get put into pairs to act as mommy and daddy. Or daddy and daddy. Mommy and mommy. Nongendered alien and nongendered alien. Whatever. And you're gonna see what fun it is to take care of a screaming ball of rage, apple juice, and vomit is while driving at the saaaame time.”

“It’s not fun.” Yes, Anakin, they got that. From the various vans came the whining pleas of children:

“I’m hungry!”

“I’m thirsty!”

“I haaaaate apple juice!”

“I have to PEE RIGHT NOW.”

Anakin handed the poor students maps, which may or may not have been in English. “You are here. You have to get to the other star on the map without killing your partner, yourself, or any of the children. And you’re also low on gas.”

"Enjooooooy!"

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"Ish," Topher said with a shrug. "I'll give it a shot if you stay on make-the-kids-shut-up duty."

That did not seem very fair.

Not even remotely, and Sparkle's wrinkled nose said about as much, too.

"... Don't suppose there's any duct tape in there anywhere?"

No, Sparkle. That would be the wrong thing to do.

"Check the glove compartment," Topher suggested, hopping into the driver's seat.

Oh good god. This was going to end badly.

Yeah. Yeah, Sparkle was doing just that.

"There's a roadmap," he noted, poking through the contents of the glove compartment. "And some stale goldfish crackers. And the registration for the van..."

He pulled out the map.

"Bet I could wad this up and stick it in the kid's mouth like a sock, though."

"Perfect," Topher decided. "You do that, I'll... take the goldfish crackers."

...

"They're not that stale," he announced. "Want?"

Seriously, neither of these kids should ever be allowed to reproduce.

"Gimmie."

Yep.

... Yep.

Sparkle was now ripping up the map and wadding it up into a ball big enough to fit into a little kid's mouth.

"Waaaait," Topher said after the map had been balled-up. "Was that the same map we're supposed to consult to figure out where we're going?"

Because that would be... unfortunate. He checked his pockets, then unveiled a duplicate.

"Never mind! False alarm. Go for it."

"This one's got some weird stains on it anyhow," Sparkle reasoned, gleefully reaching to the back seat to attempt to manoeuvre it into the little kid's mouth.

This could only end in tears.

"Pretty sure it's grape juice."

"Hey, it's a gag and nourishment!" Topher proclaimed.

They were the best parents in the whole world.

"So... now comes the driving part, right?" Topher jammed at a button to see if it was at all helpful in that regard.

Nope. It was the radio.

They were all going to die.

"... Pretty sure you need to turn the key," Sparkle offered. Because apparently he was a great passenger-seat driver, okay? "It's that thing that sticks in next to the steering wheel?"

Sparkle was the most helpful ever.

"It's in!"

Topher glanced down.

"Okay, now it's in."

Shut up, Sparkle. And quit laughing, tiny gagged child.

"And then we just..." He put the car into gear and hit the gas. "That?"

Well, most people would've done it a bit more smoothly, but yes. Basically. ~~I think.~~

The van lurched forward, which was a gold star in Sparkle's opinion, at least! More or less.

"I don't know why you keep looking at me to tell you what to do. I've only tried to steal, like, one car in my life. Two, tops."

It was entirely possible that Sparkle was making this up.

Topher snorted, causing the van to swerve just a little. Just a little. "Do you know Kenzi?"

It was a pretty simple logical leap.

"Should I?"

Be afraid, Topher. Two of them had managed to grow up like this without having ever met.

Maybe it was a Canadian thing.

"She's into that kind of thing," Topher explained. "Theft and stuff. Are you new?"

"New this term," Sparkle replied with a shrug. "I'm not stepping in on someone else's turf here, am I?"

This was completely appropriate in-front-of-the-gagged-kid conversation. Completely.

"By talking about stealing a car or by raising a fake baby with me?"

Sparkle couldn't help but laugh at that.

"Pick one? I dunno. She have some kind of... like... claim staked out on this place where she's the only one allowed to grab shit?"

"Not that I know of?" Topher said, shrugging. "Technically I don't think anyone's supposed to take shit."

He had a point, Sparkle.

"Well, duh, that's what makes it so much more fun," Sparkle pointed out.

Because morals were for other people, Topher.

"Taking what you're not supposed to, being where you aren't welcome."

"Yeah," Topher said, like he thought that was kind of obvious. "So there aren't rules about who's allowed."

"Good," Sparkle laughed. "So I guess this means that this Kenzi chick is going to just have to deal with me running around enjoying myself on her turf, too."

There was plenty of island to split between the two of them, at least.

"Or you could have a prank war."

Also a valid solution, Topher, thank you.

"That's something she's into, is it?"

This Kenzi chick was getting more and more intriguing every moment.

In the back seat, the kid had managed to spit out the map-wad and was whining about needing to pee.

Childcare For Dummies [Thursday, May 31, 2012]

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