Diversity and You, Class #1, Period #2, May 7th

[boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com]

The woman standing in front of class looked mostly human. She had candy-pink skin that was too uniform to be a sunburn, and prominent horns sticking out of her forehead; the points of her ears just barely peeked out on either side of her head. Her hair was a bright fiery red, jutting upwards at implausible angles in proud streams. Other than that, she'd fit in at any corporate office, especially dressed as she was today, the white button-down shirt to the pencil skirt and the strappy black shoes. Give her a hat and a slight palette swap and no one would know the difference.

"First things first," Callie said. "Some of you may not want to be here. I don't care. I don't want to be here, but Daddy lied to me. Oh, by the way: if you're signing a contract with a demon? Get a lawyer to look over it. Maybe two. At any rate, I don't really feel like dealing with cranky teenagers this early in the morning, but apparently I can't kill any of you, so do your best to keep it to a dull roar. And unless you've got a better excuse than 'I was sent here by the Dark Lord and Ruler of Hell who is personally mocking me,' you're not getting out of class, and don't waste my time."

And a warm welcome to all of you!

"Now apparently this class is called 'Diversity and You,' a.k.a., some bleeding-heart touchy-feely garbage about how we're all different but we can try our best to hold hands and all get along anyway. Good for us. There, class is finished. I don't know how I'm supposed to stretch this out for the next several weeks, so I'd expect a lot of filler if I were you. It's not like I got to pick the subject. If I had, it would have been something interesting like 'Flaying 101: Finding the Right Tool for the Job.'"

She happened to collect weapons. She didn't judge your hobbies.

"I found out about this class on Saturday, so I haven't exactly had time to prepare anything, so let's be ridiculously cliche and do introductions. Tell everyone what species you are, although it looks like most of you are human." Except for the cat, at least if Bucky was there. "If you're not human and you don't want to talk about it, just lie and say you are, or make up something else, and then, I don't know, tell us something interesting about yourself. And try to make it something actually interesting instead of just the fact that you play the harmonica, because nobody really cares about that. Although who knows, maybe someone else in class also plays the harmonica, even though you're human and she's secretly a flesh-eating bacteria sent here to destroy the world, and you'll end up having crazed sex in the hallway. Diversity."

If she eyerolled any harder, it might actually induce vomiting.

"So ... let's do that, and not think about how we're sitting here in class doing this and not something useful with our time, like opening the clothing store we came here to run that is just sitting there with all those crates of shoes unboxed." Someone was entirely not bitter, you guys.

"Oh, last thing, is there a See-fer ... Sigh-fer ... something like that, here?" she asked, holding up a scrap of paper she'd brought in with her. "I got this notice, something about being assigned a graduate student as a TA. And apparently I can make one of you a TA as well. Is that anything like a minion? Anyone want to be a minion? I won't take your soul. I'll even put it in writing."

She was being sincere. You had to have your parents' permission to sell your soul, if you were under eighteen. And that was probably just as frowned on as killing students, anyway.

(please wait for OCD!)

Comments

Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com]

Callie's going to do hers as soon as I finish the OCD. This should be very messy; if you want to ask someone questions about anything they've said, or react to their love of harmonicas, ping back to them. Go to town.

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com]

"I'll go first," Callie said. "My name is Callie Maggotbone, and all of you are going to call me Ms. Maggotbone. I'm a demon, and I am also a succubus. It means I am very gifted sexually, not that any of you will ever get to find out, because you're all like twelve and that's disgusting. I grew up in Hell on the Lake of Fire, with Dad, and on the Upper West Side, with Mom. I will be taking over the clothing store here, and these shoes I'm wearing are Jimmy Choos. I mean, I might be a demon, but I'm still a girl. Also, I'm supposed to marry some idiot named Twayne in order to bring about the End of Days, but I'm holding out because seriously? Twayne's such a loser. How's that?"

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[myownface]

When Sparkle pulled himself to his feet, he was also pulling a birthday sparkler from his pocket, his lighter from another pocket, and just lighting it up, not a care in the world about whether or not he was technically allowed to, right there in class.

"Yeah, so, my name is Sparkle," he announced, in a tone that was just as much a challenge as it was fact. "Really. I was named after one of these things, not some stripper or whatever, so stop thinking it. I'm human, Canadian, I'm almost sixteen, I didn't electrocute myself to make my hair stand up this way so people can shut up about it already, and..." He tilted his head a little, eyes on the sparks that were bouncing from his fingertips. "I don't play harmonica." So there. "I play the recorder. Way more awesome."

If you were in grade six.

He looked up, a little smirk on his face, and the sparkler burned out.

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[monkeymonkeydie.livejournal.com]

"I don't know if anyone's ever told you this before," Bucky commented, "but your name is stupid. And so is your face."

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[myownface]

"Coming from someone who shits in a box and then licks his own ass, I think I'm going to take that as a compliment," Sparkle shot back, because like hell he was going to step down to a cat with attitude problems, okay?

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com]

"Impressive use of pyrotechnics," Callie said. No, really, she was a demon, she enjoyed a good burn. "But recorders will always suck. Hang on, shouldn't your name be 'Sparkler' instead of 'Sparkle'?"

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[myownface]

"Yeah, should be," Sparkle replied, shrugging a little as he tossed the spent sparkler stick into the trash. "But I never said my parents were too smart, did I?"

Sparkle could say things about his parents. None of those things would be terribly kind.

... And odds were they wouldn't be the truth anyhow.

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[geewhizfellas.livejournal.com]

"Oh, geez," Butters groaned quietly to himself when he realized that it was his turn; he hadn't been paying as much attention as he should, since all the flashbacks from the Death Camp of Tolerance were flitting back to his head. But he shifted a little and got to his feet and started to nervously introduce himself.

"Well, I, uh, my name is Butters Stotch," he started, "I'm fifteen years old, I'm a human being, and I..." He drew in a deep breath. "I'm a survivor of Tolerance Camp. I grew up in South Park, Colorado with my mom and dad and I just started going to Fandom High last year. It's just about the best school ever. Also, diversity is very good and it's very important to be tolerant of people who are different than you."

If that last line sounded rehearsed, that's because it was, and his eyes flicked nervously to Miss Maggotbone as if he half expected her to yell at him and tell him to say it again.

"Um, thank you."

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com]

Well, that was ... interesting, to say the least. Um.

"Okay, here's a good lesson in diversity," she said, brightly. "I'm a succubus, yes, but that doesn't mean I'm automatically going to eat your face off or drag you to the depths of Hell. I mean, we might go on a shopping trip, later, but New Hell has some amazing -- that's not the point. Look, kid, I'd skip 'tolerant' and settle for 'not about to shit your pants' right now, can we try that?"

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[geewhizfellas.livejournal.com]

"Er, well, no, ma'am," said Butters, shifting uncomfortably and looking down at his shoes for a moment, "it's not so much that you're a demon or a succubus or from H-E-double hockey sticks or nothin'. That's okay. I mean, I don't think it's very nice to try to suck people's souls by havin' sex with them or marrying them, but, if you do, that's your perogative. No, ma'am, it's not that that makes me almost about ready to...er...shit my pants right now as much as it is just the fact that you're a diversity teacher."

And a shudder ran through him, pulling out deep, horrible memories.

"Just please don't make up draw diversity pictures all day, Miss Maggotbone, please!"

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[monkeymonkeydie.livejournal.com]

"Butterscotch is a crappy flavor," Bucky commented. "Not, like, licorice bad, but it's close. It's probably vegetarian."

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[abitlowkey]

Demons and humans and gods, oh my!

"I am Loki," he said, curling his legs up to sit higher in the seat. Look, it was hardly his fault that he was particularly tiny. "I am a Jötunn and a god of Asgard."

There was a pause before he added.

"I do not know harmonicas, though I am certain that I can manage should I wish."

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com]

Oh, now this got her attention.

"The Loki?" Callie asked. "Because really, it's a pleasure. Skip the harmonicas, they're stupid anyway. Oh my Dark Lord, I have so many questions. I've always heard you as kind of playing for your own team in the grand epic good/evil fight -- is that true?"

And could he be lured over to Team Evil? Team Evil had lots of perks.

(Loki can notice/know whatever he likes about her! I forgot to tag his infopost back when it happened shhh but she's new anyway)

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[crapatnetball.livejournal.com]

"Thelma Bates, hi," Thelma said, standing up. "Probably half the class can't even hear me right now, so if any of them interrupt me, I will throw this book at their head."

She picked up the book from her desk, a romance novel she'd gotten from the library yesterday.

"The reason they can't hear me or see me is because I am a ghost. Those of you lucky enough to see me, congratulations, your third eye is open to the spirit world. Ooooooooooooooh." She even did spooky hands.

"I was ritually sacrificed by a fallen angel about a year and a half ago, and recently helped stop the End of Days, so I'd appreciate you holding out on trying to start it again, Miss Maggotbone. And... that's that. Hi."

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[monkeymonkeydie.livejournal.com]

Bucky arched his back and hissed at her. "You give me the willies."

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com]

"I got sent here for refusing to sleep with that oaf," Callie reassured Thelma. "I'm doing the best I can."

It was hard, when destiny bumped up against complete losers like Twayne.

"Sorry about your untimely death or whatever. So you mean some people here can't --" Callie had a quick glance around the room, and then seized on the opportunity. "Class, we have an invisible student. Try not to step on her or interrupt whenever the book's floating. I'll translate but I charge a fee."

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[hurtingzeebo]

"Sam Puckett," Sam said, sounding bored. "If you don't already know that then you're a giant nub. Or from a different dimension or something I guess." Someone was still used to being internet famous, yes. "I'm human, from Seattle, and I'm half of the comedy team that owns the internet in my dimension. So anyone who uses it has to pay me royalties. I'll take cash, most major credit cards, or favors in payment."

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com]

"I thought we controlled the Internet," Callie mused. "It seems way too evil not to be under our jurisdiction. Especially considering all the time-wasting and spying capabilities."

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[nonelikemesince.livejournal.com]

Oh, Force, it was going to be another round of introductions again, wasn't it?

"I'm Anakin Solo," he began, trying to keep his impatience with the necessary introductions week to himself, "and yes, Anakin Skywalker is my grandfather, and I was named after him."

Just to get that out there; he was a little tired of reiterating that every time someone commented on it.

"Fifteen, human, Jedi Knight . . . in training," he tacked on as a reluctant afterthought, then stopped there; it was as much of an introduction as he really cared to give, and about as much talking as he was willing to do.

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com]

"Okay," Callie said. "What's a Jedi, and who's Anakin Skywalker?"

Someone didn't socialize much at the picnic. Sorry, Anakin.

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[monkeymonkeydie.livejournal.com]

Oh, they were doing introductions. This even looked like it might be the right class.

Bucky stood on top of his desk and waved his paws in the air. "I'm Bucky Katt. This class is stupid, and I just want to say that I was signed up for it against my will. I'm a purebred Siamese, and I'm so much better than the rest of you lower life forms, so I hope that gets covered in class. Also, I'm a professional filmatographer, so there."

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com]

"The 'no whining or I send you to Hell' rule applies to precocious talking cats just as much as it does to sulky teenagers," Callie informed him. "And what exactly is it that you think 'filmatographer' means?"

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[3girls-1core.livejournal.com]

"W--I'm Sholeh Zeela a Zhahar." This whole topic of species and demons had Sholeh so nervous she'd nearly went and used the plural again. "I'm human, of course--" and that was said with a darted glance at their teacher to see if she'd say anything, "--and, I, umm...don't really have anything interesting to say." Because all of the things that might make her interesting at a place like Fandom were all things she was Strictly Not Allowed To Talk About.

And maybe if she was very, very lucky, the floor would open up right now and swallow her whole.

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[boobs-and-evil.livejournal.com]

Callie wasn't exactly sure what kind of vibe she was getting from this girl, but she knew a panicky nervous glance when she saw one. And she could bluff with the best of them. It came from negotiating with her father.

"Really?" Callie asked, as faux-sweetly as possible. "You don't have anything interesting? All of these other ..." the pause here was slight, perhaps not even noticeable to the other students, but just long enough to be excruciating "... humans could come up with something about their boring selves. I'm sure you can if you try."

Re: Introductions. This is super original. - DIV01

[monkeymonkeydie.livejournal.com]

"That's not a name, that's the sound a dying baby makes," Bucky insisted. "You and Sparkle and Butters should form a club."