fandomhigh | 'Driver's Ed', Wednesday

For once, the class hadn't been invited to some kind of bizarre Danger Shopped monstrosity.

They were out at the parking lot instead.

"Um," said Jeff. That was his greeting. "Um," he repeated, and waved his arm at the parking lot. "Um."

Jamie blinked at Jeff for a second in confusion. "Are we doing yoga today?" he asked mistaking Jeff's "um's" for a mantra. "Because I thought we we're doing the Driver Ed thing."

"I'm sorry!" Jeff said, at a volume much louder than necessary. "I'm under a lot of pressure today!"

Jamie sighed and then grinned at the students. "Today class we're going to be continuing-"

And this would be the point where Jamie was giving the class a very obvious wink.

"-Our driver's education studies. Yes. Where we make sure that we're always following traffic rules. And wearing seat belts. And watching movies of car crashes with disembowled people who didn't wear their seat belts. Just like we do every week."

"Yes," Jeff said. His voice had an audible squeak to it. "As we do every week!" He couldn't sound less convincing if he tried. "Oh god."

"Unfortunately due to a slight snafu in planning, we won't have cars for you to drive today," Jamie said only showing the slightest trace of hesitation in his voice. "So instead you'll be driven around today in limos. By a driver named Ed."

Jamie then let out a slight embarrassed cough. "Except for a few of you who have the lucky opportunity of being driven around in a clown car by a clown named Ed."

"Jamie," Jeff hissed. "We have to act normal!" He was sweating pearls just trying to do that, Jamie! You couldn't do that to him! He was flailing! ... Yes, actually flailing, limbs and all.

"It could have been worse," Jamie hissed back. "We almost got mimes."

"No mimes!" Jeff declared. "Look! We'll just... we'll look at cars!"

His voice broke like he was a fifteen-year-old.

"But we can't have Drivers Ed without driving," Jamie reasoned. "Otherwise the class would just be 'Looking at Cars with a guy named Ed getting paid to stand around'."

"Toy cars!" Jeff exclaimed, apropos of nothing.

"You mean like bumper cars?" Jamie asked. "I'm not sure some of the kids are tall enough to go on that ride."

Yes, Dave. Jamie was looking at you.

"No, no, no no no no no no. No." Beat. "I'm over-noing, aren't I?" Don't answer that, Jamie. Just don't.

Jeff shook his arms. Then shook them again. Then shook them a third time, when suddenly a bunch of tiny toy cars fell out onto the pavement. "You need to-- safe! Drive these around. Safely!" he exclaimed.

"...Very safely! Keep things safe, or you'll fail the class, and we can't... we can't... ohgodJamieIcan'tdothis!"

At which point Jeff started to shake. Which was as good a 'get started!' as they were ever going to get.

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One of them might not so much be speaking in words as in vowels.

Yeah, good luck getting any sane word out of Jeff.

"Mister....Murdock?" Mrs. White asked, looking at her clipboard and staying a few feet away from the spastic gentleman. "Are you having a seizure? Shall I ring for an ambulance?"

"I-- No," said Jeff.

He sounded like he was trying to cry whilst having a heart attack.

"No you aren't Mr. Murdock or no you do not need medical attention," she attempted to clarify, tapping her pen impatiently. "They aren't difficult questions."

"No-- you're a woman," said Jeff, which was extremely helpful. "Oh god. Mother warned me this would happen."

"I rather thought that was obvious," she snapped. "Do you have a problem with women in authority, Mr. Murdock?"

Oh god, she even sounded like his mother!

"...N... N... no..."

"Then what is the problem?" Mrs. White asked impatiently. "This is just a friendly visit to make sure the students are learning properly."

It was entirely possible she did not find the toy cars an acceptable final.

"You are not friendly!" Jeff yelled. Then went right back to cowering.

His hands might have shot down to protect his crown jewels, too.

"You cannot be allowed near Thurston," Mrs. White decided. "You're a complete wreck of a human being. Of course I'm friendly, you idiot. I'm trying to keep your precious school from getting shut-down."

"Now stop groping yourself in public. It's disgusting."

Jeff's lower lip started to wibble dangerously. "YES, MOTHER," he said, shoving his hands into his pockets and trembling even faster. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!"

He wasn't sure what he did, but he didn't mean to!

Mrs. White was utterly aghast. "I am not your mother!" she said, placing a hand against her heart. "You don't look a thing like any of my husbands!"

Jeff's only response was to leg it towards one of the cars. "Oh god, there's no way out!"

There were many. It was a parking lot.

"This is a parking lot!" she yelled back, clicking her pen and writing 'psychotic break during class' in big letters under his name. "For goodness' sake, man, just breathe!"

"I can't!" Jeff returned. "You!"

"There is one of me, Mr. Murdock," Mrs. White informed him crisply. "Unless you are trying to say that I can somehow stop you from leaving a large, flat, open area."

"I am hardly going to run you down with a car."

That left evidence, you know.

'Driver's Ed', Wednesday

Talk to the Teachers

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