fandomhigh | Jeff and Jamie's Amazing Heterosexual Buddy Bonanza of Joy, Wednesday

"Hello everyone!" Jeff called. For reasons unknown, the classroom had been packed full of sofas. Big sofas, tiny sofas, sofa sofas... look, Jeff wasn't a sofa-expert, all right? "Today Jamie and I will be talking..." his voice dropped to a More Serious Note, "...about subtext."

"Which by the way has nothing to do with a sandwich or reading a book on a submarine," Jamie added oh-so-helpfully.

"My mother always taught me that Captain Subtext could see everything, 'cause he had the secret power of truth-detection," Jeff continued happily. (If sounding like his happiness was a little laced with fear.) "See, sometimes you say things, but you're actually thinking other things, and it appears in what you're saying through subtext!" Thank you, Jeff. "Captain Subtext can always tell if you're lying. There's a few ways how..."

"And believe it or not," Jamie said as he turned on the projector and displayed an image on the screen behind Jeff, "Most of them don't involve text at all."

"Prickles," Jeff continued doggedly, tagging that off on one finger, "Blurts. Headlaughs. If you notice any of these symptoms in succession in another human being, I can tell you, they're lying." He jabbed his finger up in the air to underscore his point. "But that one, you'll have to see in action! Today, we're bringing Captain Subtext's Helmet of Truth Detection right here in the classroom with you!"

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

"It's really very impressive," Jamie said with a nod of affirmation as he switched the image on the screen behind Jeff for another featuring everyone's favorite coupling from Wendy the Werewolf Hunter.

Meanwhile, a mechanical voice loudly proclaimed, "CAPTAIN SUBTEXT TRANSMITTING. TRUTH HELMET ACTIVATED. AUTO-TRANSLATE OPTION ENABLED."

The lights in the classroom suddenly flashed and became green.

"It is of the greatest importance known to man that you learn to understand the power of subtext," Jeff proclaimed, sounding Very Intense Indeed. "You will find someone and talk to them and the Helmet of Truth Detection will chime when it senses you are lying. It will translate your real thoughts and project them on the walls!"

The only message on the walls right now? JEFF HAS ISSUES WITH HIS MOTHER.

Words like 'Cleft' and 'Gusset' also began to flash briefly on the walls.

"Not that you have any embarassing thoughts we'd like to see," Jamie added as another message reading I WISH MY HAIR WAS PRETTY AS ANAKIN SKYWALKER'S. He also switched the image again to show some teammates from X-Factor back home.

"Which is why we'll be wearing these," Jeff finished, holding up two bizarre helmets with sunglasses attached. He handed one to Jamie. "Get to talking!"

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"Well, that's the point!" Jeff said. "We can't see or there'll be..."

Some kind of trouble.

"A thing!"

"Yes. But I'm worried about kids taking advantage of this and kicking my shins," Jamie said patting something that he hoped was Jeff's shoulder. Actually it was just a coat on a coat rack in the back of the room. "Or throwing things."

"Maybe you should face the door then," Jeff suggested. "You know, to avoid reading anything."

Beat.

"Turtle liked shins..."

"Yes," Jamie said wincing in memory. "I remember her shin-kicking quite well."

...

"Do we know where the door is?"

Jeff pointed.

Which naturally Jamie couldn't see.

Which was probably a good thing because he wasn't pointing anywhere near the door.

"I wonder if Turtle's ever going to stop by again."

"Well the store here is still called Turtle and Canary," Jamie said with a shrug and completely missing any kind of directions. "Have you tried stopping by there and asking if she's coming to visit?"

"No," Jeff said. "There's a panda."

It was a thing.

"You know what those are like."

"I think the panda only wants you to buy cheese," Jamie said patting the coat rack again in a sympathetic manner. "Though anything involving a panda rarely ends well. I could run interference for you? I'll distract the panda with bamboo shoots and processed cheese curds and you can talk to the manager."

"You're the best, Jamie," Jeff said, with feeling. "That would work!"

Possibly. It had 'suicide run' written all over it.

Jeff and Jamie's Amazing Heterosexual Buddy Bonanza of Joy, Wednesday

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