fandomhigh | What NOT To Do In A Fight / Period III / Week 9 (Atreides/Deadpool)

The class was ~~handwavily~~ told to meet up in the dangershop today. The dangershop that mysteriously looked like a bumper car set up from a fair.

"We apologize for missing class last week," Ghanima began smoothly. "I was indisposed-" which was a polite way of saying she'd had a precognative migraine and spent the week cursing the name of Atreides, "-and...I don't actually know what Mr. Wilson's excuse is."

Deadpool shrugged. “Free tacos on the mainland.” THAT COUNTED.

Ghanima bit down on a sigh and turned back to the students. "So today, we go back to your lesson of moving and shooting, and how impractical it was. Today, we look at driving a vechile while in combat."

“In that sassy Paul Walker/Vin Diesel ‘we’re not gay, but we just have these feelings that we can’t explain’ sort of way,” Deadpool continued, poking at one of the cars. “I mean, seriously, have you guys watched those movies? They make your average comic book seem like it’s not thinly veiled homoerotic metaphor that makes your average teenage boy feel better about their own scary feelings for Ratman’s ass that you could bounce quarters off of.”

Ghanima gave him a strange look. "That seems like a poor use for quarters."

“It’s better than all those years of therapy they’ll need to go through,” Deadpool replied cheerfully. “So! Who wants to see what happens when you try shooting at something while moving really, really fast?”

A beat.

“When you’re not awesome like Ghanima or I, that it.”

"There's a number of phrases for this sort of combat," Ghanima continued. "Car Fu, which uses the car as a weapon. There's mounted combat, on a horse, and that horse is NOT going to stand still calmly like in the movies."

Those poor horses...

“And there is the need for some mad improbably aiming skills when you’re driving or riding on a horse.” Deadpool frowned. “Who rides a horse anymore? Other than Fraser.”

"I do not know; I only drive 'thopters or ride worms," Ghanima replied with a shrug. "But none of you are badass drivers, and burning rubber isn't going to get you out of the fight alive. The car will not escape with not a scratch on it, and shooting the fuel tank does not work."

Deadpool had to think about that last one. “Unless you’re in a genre that is filled with those cliches. Happens all the time back home,” he said. “Oh, cliches. I love them so much. It’s how I managed to got mailed FedEx after a failed job.”

"Unless they dismembered you, you would not fit in a mailbox well." Now Ghanima was considering the best way to carve you up, Wade. And it's not the fun-kinky way, either. "Irrelevant. We have bumper cars, and you can try and drive and shoot, or have someone else be your getaway driver."

“It’s fun!” Deadpool informed the class, shooting Ghanima with a Nerf gun.