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Library [08/29]

Jonothon had been in desperate need of the familiar today, and waking up this morning to realize that the person who was sleeping in Jak's bed was most definitely not Jak had been jolt enough to spur him into actually getting to his feet of his own accord, pulling on his cleanest dirty clothing, and making his way down to the library today for his shift.

That he was now moving through the stacks like a man possessed, looking over the course calendar for the semester and setting out displays of books that he thought other students might find topical to each and every class... That was something else. Now that he'd immersed himself in the familiar, he was hell-bent on not letting himself think too hard about why he'd needed it so badly.

The library was open, and was possibly almost too ready to face students new and old.

[The library, it is open.]

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Karla reached over and took his hand. "There is a reason that the dead usually stay among the dead, Jono. It's hard enough for the living to find ways to heal the holes in their hearts. If anyone knows that to be true, it's her."

Didn't make it hurt less.

"I don't think they'll come back, either."

//I know... For th'best. All that...// It didn't hurt any less, having known that she was going to have to leave. Another few days with her... probably would have only been a tease. //I wouldn't have changed a thing.//

A pause. No, that was wrong.

//Maybe I would have tried to smile more for her.//

Edited 2010-08-30 17:12 (UTC)

"I know that, right now, it feels like you'll never smile again," Karla said slowly, choosing her words with care. "Or that you oughtn't ever want to again. But, later, when it's not so painful or immediate...do you think you could try to smile more for her then?"

Drake and Didi had both known their time was coming to an end and had smiled anyway. Karla thought that was rather worth emulating, even for people who weren't named Jono.

//No promises.//

Maybe he'd try. Maybe. He had always figured that he had plenty of reasons not to smile, physical difficulty notwithstanding, even while Didi had still been there.

//I... don't understand,// he said a few paces later. //People keep telling me that I'm strong. She did, even. And I don't see it. It's not th'same as being strong, I don't think... trying to convince yerself that you don't feel anything at all.//

"That's not the part we're talking about," Karla said. "Because it's not the not-feeling part we think is strong. But it took courage to love Didi, knowing who she was--and to let her love you back. It took courage to let us befriend you, after what you've been through in the past. And right now, it's taking strength to get up out of bed and do things, to go on with your life now that she's gone. You keep trying, Jono. Even as you tell yourself that you aren't, you do it anyway. I've seen you. You haven't just shut down and shut us out."

//I nearly did. I keep nearly doing. But people keep picking me up again.//

And now there was one person less, and one more reason to just hit the brakes and tune everything out.

//And I can't figure out if I'm thankful for it, or if I resent that they do.//

"Almost doesn't count," Karla said. "And if you truly didn't want to, all the nagging from the rest of us wouldn't amount to a tinker's damn. But being strong doesn't mean that you do everything on your own. Sometimes it means sucking it up and taking the help that's offered because you know you need it. As seductive as the idea of just...stopping...may be, you haven't done it yet, for whatever reason."

//I... think I'm afraid to.// Jonothon shrugged slightly. //I could. That's th'thing. I could just some grinding to a screeching bloody stop and never come out again. It isn't as though I haven't thought about it.//

He shrugged again.

//Maybe it's me I resent. For being too afraid t'do it.//

"It's not going to help, you know," Karla said. "I've seen people who just stopped. It doesn't make anything better. The pain doesn't go away. It may feel less immediate, but it isn't. Trust me. The numb feeling never lasts."

//Of course not...//

Why would the universe at large make it easy for him by giving him a means to hide away without ever having to come out for food or air, after all? Of course even the respite that just completely stopping would grant could only ever be temporary.

//It's tiring, Karla. All of this. People breaking. People leaving. Looking in th'mirror every bloody morning, fighting myself every minute of th'day, wondering who's going to jump at my voice next. I'm tired.//

"I know," Karla said, going to wrap her arms around Jono again if he'd let her. "I know. I wish there was something I could say or do or give to you that would make all the pain go away. It hurts that all I can offer you is a temporary bit of peace and the promise of a hand when it comes time to start again."

Honestly, that was why she had brought the beer and the book. She'd gotten it originally as a surprise for him. Now she was offering it as a bit of...momentary oblivion.

Pain couldn't be ignored or medicated away forever. But there was no shame in offering something to numb it back until the patient was strong enough to bear it. "Tomorrow it will hurt again. Tonight, well...tonight, we'll pause it for a little while. Okay?"

Pause it. Pause was good. It wasn't a full stop, but it was something. And he didn't have to be afraid of a pause. He didn't have to shy away from it the same way he shied away from the option of just never acknowledging anything else again.

Pause was good.

//Okay,// he agreed, quietly. //Thank you, Karla.//

He owed her. For this? He definitely owed her.

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Library [08/29]

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