fandomhigh | Library [08/12]

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Library [08/12]

Sam had nearly woken up late, Scout had been in some kind of terrible dog mood on their morning walk, the radio had done nothing to curb his concern that Chuck had caused serious emotional damage to Rachel, and everything seemed determined to remind him that there were only two weeks of summer left.

Oh, and he still had pink and gold glitter in his hair. This was not the start to a good day.

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Raven blinked, and her eyes returned to normal. "I am sorry," she said quickly, dismayed by the sudden loss of control. "I have been...struggling since returning from the other Fandom." She ducked her head, afraid to look at him for fear that he would realize what she was now.

"Yeah, I can see that," Sam said quietly, trying not to sound freaked out. Luckily, he hadn't quite put all the pieces together yet. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Raven shook her head. "Thank you, but I do not think so," she said. "I took a risk in allowing myself to experience emotions, and now I must deal with the consequences. It was a mistake; I should have done as I was taught."

"You're taught...not to have emotions?" Sam asked, sounding horrified by the mere idea. "Not even small, safe ones?"

"Azar, my teacher, believed that it would be dangerous for me to experience and express emotions," Raven said. "Before I came here, I had never truly had real feelings." Only fear when her father came to her in dreams, and sometimes loneliness.

Sam's first instinct was to say that was horrible, but he didn't think it would be very nice to knock the way she was taught to live right off the bat. "It sounds like you need to start small then," he said. "People need emotions."

"That was what I had intended," Raven said, allowing herself a small rueful smile. "But I do not think it was meant to be. My experience in the other Fandom and...and with Chuck have proven this. It is safer to deny myself so I will not be hurt, nor will I harm others."

"But isn't denying yourself kind of like hurting yourself as well?" Sam asked. "I don't think you should let anything that happened in the other Fandom be a guideline for how you are here. This is a totally different place."

"It is," Raven agreed. "But it is still too much of a risk. I thought perhaps Azar was wrong about the necessity of controlling my emotions, but.... I have used my gifts to harm instead of heal, and I cannot live with that. And I am too easily manipulated or misled."

"I hope things don't stay that way forever," Sam said. "You shouldn't assume you'll never learn control, especially not here."

"If it were only a risk of hurting myself...." Raven sighed and shook her head. "In the space of only a few days I have for the first time felt love and passion, and heartbreak and humiliation. I wanted so much to know what love was that I allowed myself to be used and discarded. And I have also tasted rage and fear and sorrow, and those may cause me to harm others with my gifts. It is not fair for me to experiment and risk the lives of those around me. I could cause irreparable harm."

"Love usually isn't something that happens overnight," Sam said, knowing all too well how it felt to be a danger to others. "You're not planning on cutting yourself off from everyone completely, are you?"

"I think perhaps I know the difference between love and lust now," Raven said, "but no one had ever expressed either to me before, so I did not understand. And I did not realize that Chuck could be so cruel."

She paused a moment, taking a breath and gathering herself to make sure she was not losing control. "It would be impossible for me to remain here and cut myself off at the same time," she said. "My choices would be to go elsewhere into isolation or remain here and shield myself as best I can, and not allow myself to be misled again. I will stay for now, at long as I am not harming anyone."

"It sounds like you're learning how not to harm anyone," Sam said helpfully. "And I think you'll find a lot of people around here would be willing to help, if you'll let them. That's how this place works."

"Yes," Raven said. "Professor Skywalker has been most helpful. And hurting others is the last thing I would ever want to do. I am a healer, and suffering is contrary to everything I stand for. But I must learn to better control what is inside me if I am to remain here."

And go no where near Chuck Bass, apparently, but that went without saying.

"I hope you do," Sam said sincerely. "Stay here, that is. I don't know if I could help, but maybe I could keep an eye out for books? Some reading material that might he useful?"

"That would be very kind of you," Raven said. "I would appreciate it." She hesitated, then added, "I may wish to speak to you one day of demons as well, if you do not mind."

"I don't mind at all," Sam said. "Demons are kind of the Winchester specialty."

Raven nodded. "So your father told me," she said. "I am curious to know if the demons of your world are the same as on mine." Or something like that.

"Yeah, sure. That wouldn't be any trouble at all," Sam said, smiling.

"Thank you," Raven said. "Perhaps here next week? Would that be acceptable?"

"Sure," Sam replied. "I'm here every week, and I never mind getting visitors."

"Then I will come," Raven said. "Thank you, Sam."

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