fandomhigh | Sex Ed, Monday [2-9] Third Period

"I hope everyone had a good time with their flour babies," said Steve. "First, everyone will please turn them in and tell the class a little about your week and what you did with your 'child.' I hope it was good practice for the weekend after the prom, although most of those will be much more demanding."

Once that part of the class was over, Steve said, "Moving right along, let's talk about things you can do with your partner instead of having sex.

"Now, I'm not going to tell you to wait until marriage, because that would be hypocritical." Steve turned red. "And I'm sure that's far more information than you ever wanted to know, and apologize. But really, if you're not in a one hundred percent committed relationship with someone, there are a lot of things you should be doing before sex, because you should really only ever have sexual relations with someone you're in a one hundred percent committed relationship with. There are a lot of things you can do to express your feelings for another person besides sex, and they'll help you get to know each other so that you can move forward toward...that point." Steve turned red again. "You can talk. You can cuddle. You can go for a walk, or work out together, or cook a meal for or with someone. All sorts of things. Just don't ever watch someone sleep, especially without their permission or knowledge. It may sound romantic, but it's actually pretty creepy. Think how you'd feel if you woke up to someone randomly staring at you." He gave them a moment to consider that. "So, for the rest of the class, let's brainstorm ideas for things you can do with your significant other that don't involve sexual activity."

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How'd that turn out for you? (Handwaving totally fine.)

"I was going to take mine to the dance but I figured he wouldn't have a good time so I set him up in my room on the bed and let Digby watch him," Ned said. "Other than that, he helped me make pies and hung out. I don't really do a lot during the week."

"Mostly I used mine to traumatize my friends. So, same as if it were real, I guess," Dinah said cheerfully. "Also, they don't make purses big enough for little kids."

"Reggie," he said, holding up the bag of flour, "did just fine."

He'd taken care of 'Reggie' a little more than his own mother had cared for him.

That said, it WAS a bag of flour.

"Mine was q-quiet," she said, with a tiny bit of a shrug there. "Most of the t-time was spent keeping my kitten away from him when he w-was with me."

Jamie held up his pecan pie.

"I helped my child reach its utmost potential."

"I didn't have any part in this!" Sookie had to add quickly. "I yelled at him for baking our child and got chastised for my stridency."

Look at that. Two of her Words of the Day from her calendar in one sentence.

"It was all me," Jamie happily admitted. "But if she had it her way our child would have just been stuck a bag of flour instead of a stack of fluffy pancakes or a delicious peeeecan pie."

"Don't worry, Miss Stackhouse, I don't hold you responsible for this fiasco," Steve said. "I should have expected something like this."

Steve looked completely horrified. "Mr. Madrox. You covered your child in corn syrup and put it in the oven?"

After a moment, he added, "To say nothing of the fact that I believe I gave you a bag of White Lily, so buttermilk biscuits would have been far more appropriate."

"Yes, well the biscuits wouldn't have lasted until this week," Jamie replied cheerfully. "Plus I like pecan pie. And I prefer to think of it less as baking my child as providing them the appropriate environment to become something better."

"That's because you're psychotic."

"Say what you will? But I had some killer pancakes," Jamie said with a grin.

Van Helsing says nothing as he hands over the bag of flour. He's not sure he even remembers the name it was given. Oh, and did we mention that he did not haul it around all weekend? It sat comfortably in a nest of blankets on the floor in his room. No one bothered it. Needless to say, Van Helsing is not cut out for having children.

Helen honestly didn't have much to say about little Jamie Klaus Michael Joris van der Woodsen-Haras-Uquara. It was, after all, just a bag of flour and hardly equivalent to a child in any way.

Alice folded her hands neatly on her desk. "Reggie Jr.'s father and I had a rather unpleasant custody battle, but I insisted on my parental rights, so we had joint custody. I had Reggie until Thursday. Most of that time, he was in a small shoebox under my bed, with a few of Dinah's cat toys and a blanket. Perhaps they amused him. This experience has clearly taught me that I am not prepared to be a parent, as I have no maternal instincts and little concern for Reggie's welfare. Therefore, I shan't be engaging in any of those sex-things, and I feel this class was a success."

(Yelling / extra assignments / detention: whatever he wants to throw at her is fine.)

"Well, I suppose it's a step up from making it into pastry," Steve sighed. "I'm glad you've acknowledged your lack of inclination toward parenting now, Alice, and that you will be taking appropriate measures."

"Priestly and I did not cook our child," Éowyn said, giving Jamie a shocked look. "We took turns, and that was quite useful in ensuring proper care."

Edited 2009-02-16 21:37 (UTC)

"You say cook? I say provide them with an environment where they can achieve something greater. Plus my pie and pancakes are very tasty."

Sex Ed, Monday [2-9] Third Period

Report on Your Flour Children

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