fandomhigh | The Library; Monday [ 09/22 ]

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The Library; Monday [ 09/22 ]

When considering the possible things that he could do when he opened the library to keep himself from getting bored, Cal considered three different things. The first was the obligatory studying for school. The second consisted of studying for the play. The third, which would be more time consuming and therefor what he would likely pursue, was to track down some titles he remembered from Dr. Luce's office, especially vivid in his head after telling Amber about him on Friday, and see if they existed in the library.

However, once he did, in fact, open, and saw the residual results of all that research done over the weekend because of that island, Cal realized that cleaning up after the fact was going to keep him plenty busy enough.

[[ also? My computer is jacked up and marking everything as October, apparently. XD ]]

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"And some of his associates," Cal added, with a slight nod, as he dully kept his eyes on the numbers on the shelves to locate the right area. He thought about Amber reading through it, all those technical terms, but mostly, the diagrams, the charts, the photograph with the black-barred eyes to keep his identity safe.

Amber was looking at the shelves too, having no idea what she was looking for but whatever, she was searching. "You wouldn't mind, Cal, seriously, if I read this book?"

Cal glanced back toward Amber, his expression vaguely reminiscent of a wounded puppy, despite the fact that he just shrugged and turned away to continue on. "Why would I?"

"Aw, Cal," she said and stepped up closer, having caught that look. Her hand reached for his back, between his shoulder blades. "If you'd rather I didn't, I understand."

Cal's shoulders shifted a little with the hand against his back, first pulling back toward them, and then, slightly, all of it very subtle, falling forward a little, body stooping slightly. "It's fine," he told her. "I'll probably be good for you to read."

Her hand dropped away and Amber actually closed in on herself a little, thinking stupid thoughts about why he wouldn't want her touching him. His movement, subtle as it was, was made known and she allowed it to hurt her. "Okay," she whispered and shoved her hands in her pockets, falling behind.

A response like that, where he could practically feel Amber pulling away despite the fact that his back was to her, made Cal draw in a slight breath and settle into a sort of somber silence. Was she upset at him because he'd showed some sort of reluctance, a sort of guarded restraint? What did she expect? He'd already opened himself up to her more than anyone else, but just because he didn't go rushing headlong...

It didn't matter, anyway. He found the shelf in the silence passing between them, trailed a finger along all the spines of the books, and then found the one he wanted, 1974, Genetics and Heredity.

"Chapter sixteen," he told her. "We can go check it out and you can take it with you." He hoped that worked as a polite way of saying he didn't want her opening it up here. "There's also an article in the old '75 archives of the Journal of Pediatric Endocrinology by the good doctor himself that I found. I can't loan the journals out, but we can photocopy it."

It would be nice if he acted like he did before Friday night. Amber couldn't figure out what she was doing wrong. Touching him was a no-no now?

"Fine. That's fine," she said, getting that he didn't want her to open the book here. She wouldn't have anyway, but whatever. Amber turned around and headed back.

Jesus, did someone call 'fire' or something? Cal looked after Amber as she started to edge away, feeling like she felt she couldn't move fast enough, for a moment before saying, pointing a thumb over his shoulder in the opposite direction. "And the Luce article? Did you want...? It's over that way."

Amber stopped, turned, and gave him a look. "What the hell is going on here? Everything's changed since Friday night and you're treating me like I've got some sort of disease or something. I can't touch you now?"

Cal stared at Amber for a long moment, trying to register exactly what it was she was saying. All he could seem to come up with was, "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your attitude, Cal. I touched your back and felt you pull away from me. Why? Don't be so obtuse, okay? It doesn't suit you at all."

At first, all Cal could think to do in response was stare back a little more. And then he blinked, came around to his senses and asked, "Obtuse? Are you serious?"

If anyone was being obtuse, here....

"Can you answer my question please? Why did you pull away from my hand?"

"If anyone pulled away, it was you," Cal pointed out. "I shifted, if you really want to be that technical. What? Am I supposed to feel bad because discussing my deformity doesn't exactly make me all touchy-feely?"

"No, you're not," she said, her voice soft. "But I don't think I want to deal with you like this everytime we talk about who you are."

"But that is part of who I am!" Cal said, his voice raising despite the location, but his frustration getting the better of him. "That isn't just going to change! Or would you rather I just pretended like it didn't bother me, just like I had to pretend with--"

But Cal didn't say it. He stopped short of that name, sucked in a deep breath, and sucked down his emotions with it. He shook his head. "Forget it," he said. "I'll check the book out for you; I've got some things I've got to do before I close up, anyway." He breathed out a sigh and turned to head back to the the front desk.

Amber stood still, blanching from his yelling at her. He compared her to her. Most likely he always would.

As soon as he walked away, she slumped down against the bookshelves bringing her knees to her chest. She had to get control of her emotions and she really didn't need him to see her cry.

Amber not saying anything made Cal wonder if he should stop and go back, but what for? More dramatic bullshit just because he got a little closed off when they talked about something that she knew he was sensitive about? If anything, going back would be like saying it was okay for her to over analyze every little detail, and it wasn't. So he just sucked in a breath and kept going, back to the desk. It wasn't like she didn't know that's where she could find him if there was anything else to add.

It was ten minutes before she walked back to the desk and though she really didn't have anything to say to him, she wanted to tell him one thing. "I don't want the book," she said to the floor, looking up and at him a moment later. "Don't think this is easy on me, for one moment. I'm trying, have tried, and you reject that because you're sensitive. I get that, I do. But maybe you need to put yourself in my shoes," okay, it was more than one thing, "for one minute and tell me how you think I am supposed to feel."

Cal listened; he listened quietly and patiently, with his eyes steadily on Amber while she spoke and even gave himself the time to really think about what he was going to say once he did say something.

"Put myself in your shoes," he repeated. "Good one. Unfortunately, I don't like to assume how other people feel as much as you do. Because, most of the time, you're probably going to get it wrong. Real wrong. Stop thinking so God damn much about what I feel and pay more attention to what I'm doing, what I'm fucking sharing with you."

He may have had a vagina, but he wasn't a freaking girl.

"I assume from actions, Cal, but whatever, I get it wrong," she said, tired. "Give it to me and I'll leave," and she would also leave him alone for awhile too. Amber suddenly wasn't sure about their relationship or how it could possibly ever work.

Edited 2008-09-23 02:07 (UTC)

"You assume a lot from actions, Amber," Cal clarified. "Just because I hesitate to hug you or stoop my shoulders when you touch my back doesn't mean anything to me, but it seems to mean everything to you."

She bit her lip, looked back down. She didn't see it that way, but it didn't mean he wasn't right, Amber just didn't know what he expected her to say, and feeling like she was lost around him, was starting to affect her. "You're probably right. I'm going to go now... sorry," she frowned, waved her hand, "for... just..." she didn't kknow what to feel sorry for, but she turned and started walking away, without the book.

And Cal just needed a moment to rub his face a little, and then run his hands up through his hair. He stared at the floor for a minute, elbows on the desk and his hands still up like that, bug eyed and wondering what exactly had just transpired there. He didn't know. All he did know was that he wasn't sure if he was glad or not that it was almost time to close up. On the one hand, he could get out of here, but, on the other hand, he'd be getting out of here to go to his room, which would be right next to Amber's....

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The Library; Monday [ 09/22 ]

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