fandomhigh | Ethics [Thursday, April 24]

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Ethics [Thursday, April 24]

As Anakin paced around the Danger room, he looked like he hadn't really gotten a good night's sleep in a few days.

Which was very true. Spending time in a swamp wasn't great for the back.

"Welcome to your Ethics final," he said, pacing around the room. "I will provide you with a series of scenarios. Go through each and provide the answers that best fit what you have learned through this class. Then explain your choice."

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Anakin nodded, looking a little worried. "Are you going to need a bucket?"

Reno gave his head a shake. No, no, he was good. Really. Stubborn, and therefore good.

"Never better." He took a deep breath, stuck his hands into his pockets, and gave his shoulders a shrug. "You, uh. I mean."

There were words there. Somewhere.

"Why that question, in particular?"

"Many in the class have or will have military experience. I wanted to give you an extreme case," Anakin replied.

Reno gave a bit of a nod of his head. Right, then. Extreme case.

"Wasn't an easy question to answer. What-- Uh. I mean, the rebels. The question didn't give specifics or anything like that." Deep breath. "What kind of rebelling are they doing?"

"They were attempting to overthrow the government," Anakin replied. "The government, you might imagine, didn't take kindly to that."

"When do they ever?" Reno took a deep breath, held it for a moment, then nodded a little. "Runnin' in, bombing the shit outta stuff, and takin' off again? That kinda' thing? Collateral damage gets attention faster."

And makes retaliatory strikes so much more violent.

Anakin nodded. "Sticking with small groups that were independent of each other. Finding a rebel who actually knew anything about how they were arranged was much more difficult than was mentioned in the test."

Reno frowned a bit.

"And just when you think you're hittin' the right bunch to take 'em down for good, they just pop up again outta nowhere. Termites in the woodwork, yo."

Small and destructive. Strength in numbers.

Jerks.

"You've had the same experience, then," Anakin said quietly.

There was another deep breath. Right. Okay. He was still fine.

"Guess I have. Wasn't a planet, really." He swallowed. Lump in his throat. No big deal. "Wasn't small, either, though."

"Wasn't uninhabited," Anakin guessed softly, eyes sympathetic. "Ever find out a number?"

"Didn't want to know." Reno lifted a shoulder in a bit of a halfhearted shrug. "Too many. Top an' bottom. Top's what made the news, bottom's what had the targets the most upset. Don't think either side screamed louder than the other while it was all fallin' down."

He wasn't even sure why he was talking anymore, except that it was all right there, and he'd been trying like hell not to face it since it happened.

Anakin nodded silently. "I've lost count myself," he said.

Which wasn't true, but Anakin thought his number would scare the hell out of anyone.

Reno looked up again, furrowed his eyebrows for a moment, and then nodded slightly.

"Won't go away, will it?" He knew better. There wasn't an easy way out. Never would be.

Anakin shook his head, eyes looking as old as he really was. "And you shouldn't want it to," he said.

"Took me well over a year to even admit to myself I did it," Reno confessed. "Done with runnin' from it all. Working on livin' with myself again."

"That takes a lifetime," Anakin said quietly. "We want to adjust our internal stories, to make horrible things we do someone else's fault. They never are. It's only you and your weapon and your conscience in that final second. No one but you makes you take the shot."

"Just takes one person to hit the button," Reno agreed, and it was a battle unto itself just to keep his eyes from falling to the floor. "I get that. And I know why I did it, too. That... don't change a thing, now. Made it all seem real different at the time, though."

"My reasons for doing things at the time I did them seem awfully flimsy now," Anakin replied, nodding. "And it does get a little better. You'll never really forgive yourself for it, though. And you shouldn't."

"Wouldn't want to." Reno gave his head a shake, and his eyes did turn toward the floor, now. "That'd be like tellin' myself it was okay."

"Exactly," Anakin said, "but wallowing in it won't help either. Everyone makes mistakes. Ours have just been a little bigger than average."

Finally, Reno just had to ask.

"I know what not to do. I mean, that's real big on the list of things not to do again. It's the 'what do I do next' part that's still hidin' from me." He shrugged again. See. Totally dismissive-casual. Or just too new at this whole heart-to-heart confession thing to know what else he was supposed to be doing, here. "Nothin's gonna take it away, but there's gotta be something that'll make me still standin' here seem less like a crime."

"Are you planning on repeating the experience?" Anakin asked quietly.

"No." It was a very firm 'no.'

It was also a somewhat queasy, worried sort of 'no.' Because it wouldn't be as simple as just saying 'no' if it all came down to that again, and Reno knew it.

But it was still a no.

"It's all right to be worried," Anakin said. "I know I do when new situations begin to remind me of how I reacted in the past. Hold onto that no."

Re: Talk to Anakin!

raspberryturk - 2008-04-27 19:38 (UTC) - Expand

Re: Talk to Anakin!

sith_happened - 2008-04-27 20:53 (UTC) - Expand

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