fandomhigh | Library [Sunday, February 10]

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Library [Sunday, February 10]

After a week off from the library, Lee was back behind the desk, eating a banana for breakfast and idly spinning a book around since he didn't want to read it just yet. He figured he could be productive, get some homework done but there just wasn't academic motivation today.

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It was unfair, really, and River knew it. "Nothing personal," she said, looking down.

"Yeah," he said and shrugged. "Yeah, okay. I get that."

She looked up, tilting her head. "Nothing personal," she repeated. "I would like you if it wasn't..."

"Yeah, sure," Lee said and looked down. "I haven't done a thing wrong other than liking the same person as you and I'm not going to apologize for that. So, okay. You don't have to like me."

"Didn't ask you to apologize," River calmly pointed out. "Just explained the cause wasn't personal. Also didn't say I didn't like you."

"You said you would like me if it wasn't," Lee pointed out. "That usually means you don't like me because something is."

"Liking is not a binary option," River said. "Multilayered and complex."

"Sure," Lee said, shrugging. "I just didn't do anything wrong here and it's not fun to get glared at by someone who was my friend before. That's all I'm saying."

"Didn't glare at you," River said defensively. "Was contemplating what to say." She paused. "It makes no difference to you at all?" Lee might not know it, but she would know if he was lying.

"No, you weren't glaring but you have in the past," he said. "It doesn't make a difference to me. Do I sometimes wonder if it was just me? Sure. Do I sometimes want that? Sure. But that wouldn't make things easier or any better. So, I learn to live with that and I'm fine with that."

There was half a smile. "Oh so simple. Of course, you don't hear and see everything."

"No, I don't and I don't want to," he said simply. "Not my right, not my thing, and I don't need to know or hear everything."

"Not everyone has a choice," River said, her voice turning cool. "Not everyone can stick their head in the sand and pretend."

"I don't pretend," he said tightly. "You don't know me, River. And I don't know you. So, don't make assumptions about me and I apologize for making that one about you. I know about not having a choice."

For a moment she felt guilty. She knew the things he struggled with, but when it came to Adah he did have the choice of not knowing and that made things so much easier for him.

She took a few steps backwards towards the door. "Oh, I do know you." She smiled a little. "I can read your mind, after all."

"You can read my mind," he said, looking back up at her. "But you don't know me."

She raised an eyebrow. "What else is there to know?"

"Reading my mind isn't knowing me," he said. "You don't get to hear me tell you things, tell you how I felt or why I did what I did. You might know the answers but you don't know it all."

She sighed, suddenly looking tired. "Different way of knowing. Can know someone better than they know themselves. Nothing to do with romantic notions." Her voice was mostly sad, though.

"Hmm." Lee shrugged one shoulder lightly. "I don't know anything about that, knowing everything and I don't pretend to. But I don't pretend or put my head in the sand."

"I sometimes wish I could," River said, staring right at Lee.

"Everyone has those wishes," Lee said. "Me included."

"For some those wishes are further away than for others." She turned to leave, then stopped at the door, glancing over her shoulder. "Last week, in her thoughts, she preferred your company to mine in bed."

Lee startled, looking momentarily shocked before trying to cover it up. "You...really didn't have to tell me that."

"No. I really didn't want to know either. I had no choice." With that she left the library.

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Library [Sunday, February 10]

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