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Sam sat down and took the coffee gratefully. "So, what's up?"

"Truthfully, I wanted to speak with you about what happened on Sunday," he said quietly. Karal hoped this would not be so disastrous as his attempt to talk with Sam's father. "About how it's sitting with you."

Sam was really thankful for the coffee now, since it gave him something to focus on besides Karal. "About as well as it can, I guess," he said. "Did Dean ask you to talk to me?"

"No, he didn't, though I did speak with him in the clinic. I don't think he liked it there at all," he added with a smile. "I've been wanting to talk with you since, well, since Tuesday. Monday I had a distinct lack of brain."

"I think we all had a lack of brain on Monday. I know I couldn't do much," Sam said. "Even if I was the one who didn't get hurt."

Karal nodded. "How is Dean doing?"

"He's doing better. Physically, he's bounced right back. Emotionally...he's not happy Alec left, but I've been doing what I can to keep him cheered up."

He nodded again, wrapping his fingers around his mug. "I'm glad," he said, then looked intently at Sam. "He wasn't the only one who was hurt, though."

"I know," Sam said, looking guilty as he glanced up at Karal. "My dad said the demon didn't hurt him when he was possessed, but I don't know if he was just trying to be brave or not."

He leaned across the table and tapped Sam gently on the back of the hand. "Not your father, you."

Sam shook his head. "I just got a little banged up. It's nothing, espsecially compared to what everyone else went through."

How is Dean the least stubborn of you? He didn't say it out loud, but it amazed him. "Not physically," he explained. "Here," he tapped his head, "and here," and he tapped his heart. "Demons leave tarnish behind, whether they possess you or not. And this one targeted you moreso than anyone else."

"Did Dean tell you what the demon told me?" he asked, swirling his coffee around slowly in the mug. "About why he was really here?"

"No, he didn't." He weighed it up, then added, "Your father said that the demon told you things, but not what." He paused, then continued, voice gentle, "But you could tell me. It might be that I could help."

Sam let out a soft, sad laugh. "As good as you were on Sunday, I don't think you can help with this," he said, hesitating for a moment as he wondered what Karal would think of him after this. "The demon said he has some kind of plan for me, and that there are others like me that he's been watching too. He wasn't here for Grace at all, she was just some kind of...I don't know, bonus. Him being here, Dawn getting hurt, my mom dying - it was all because of me."

His heart went out to Sam, but he didn't let it show. "I see," he said slowly. "So it was you who summoned the demon, then, you who were controlling it?"

"No," Sam said quickly. "I didn't ask for him to be here. But if I wasn't here, he wouldn't have been either."

"If my master and I had not been in Valdemar, the assassin wouldn't have killed him. Wouldn't have attacked the other envoys, killing another. Does that mean he bears responsibility for those attacks?" he asked calmly, folding his hands, not letting any sign of the sharp stab of sorrow he felt at the mention of Ulrich. "For his own death?"

"Of course not," Sam said. "But this is different. I must have done something to make the demon want to watch me, don't you think?"

"No, I don't. Even if you had, unless you did so deliberately to attract his attention, you still would not bear any responsibility," Karal said sternly. "If it was your brother, your father, Dawn, who the demon was focussed on, would you blame them for it coming here? If it had injured you while seeking one of them, would you hold them responsible?"

Edited 2008-02-02 00:36 (UTC)

Sam was quiet for a moment, before shaking his head. "No, I wouldn't. But I can't stop feeling guilty."

"All creatures have free will, even demons. It is sheer arrogance to claim responsibility for the actions and choices of another. Be angry, be sad, frightened, furious. Be cautious and wary, plan and research. Even hate it, but you have no right to feel guilty." He folded his arms and sat back, hating that he was deliberately prodding Sam, but feeling it was necessary to make him think past this. "You bear no blame, and wallowing in guilt will only hurt those who love you."

"So, I either hurt them by feeling guilty, or I hurt them by not feeling guilty and not taking any of the blame for completely failing to protect them. That doesn't seem very fair," Sam said. "I am angry, and wary, and really, really scared. But how would you feel if you knew that everyone you cared about was in danger just because they were with you? Wouldn't you feel guilty if they got hurt?"

"Sam." Karal leaned forward, meeting his eyes. "I know you feel as if you need to atone for their hurts, but you can't. They do not need you to feel guilty. They don't want you to feel guilty. They love you, and it is their choice to stay with you."

"Guilt is destructive, it muddies everything. What they need is for you to grieve for what happened, with them or alone, accept that you could not have changed it." He sighed and looked at his hands. "And honestly, yes, likely I would. I'm human, the same as you, but I would try very hard not to, and I would admit," he hoped, oh how he hoped, "that my guilt was misplaced and try to work past it."

"Everyone keeps saying they don't want me to feel guilty. I just...I feel like I can't believe them. Like deep down, they'll get pissed if I'm not sorry enough," Sam said. "Is it enough to just be angry at the demon? I'm not letting anyone get hurt again because of me, I can promise that."

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