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"I know," Sam said, looking guilty as he glanced up at Karal. "My dad said the demon didn't hurt him when he was possessed, but I don't know if he was just trying to be brave or not."

He leaned across the table and tapped Sam gently on the back of the hand. "Not your father, you."

Sam shook his head. "I just got a little banged up. It's nothing, espsecially compared to what everyone else went through."

How is Dean the least stubborn of you? He didn't say it out loud, but it amazed him. "Not physically," he explained. "Here," he tapped his head, "and here," and he tapped his heart. "Demons leave tarnish behind, whether they possess you or not. And this one targeted you moreso than anyone else."

"Did Dean tell you what the demon told me?" he asked, swirling his coffee around slowly in the mug. "About why he was really here?"

"No, he didn't." He weighed it up, then added, "Your father said that the demon told you things, but not what." He paused, then continued, voice gentle, "But you could tell me. It might be that I could help."

Sam let out a soft, sad laugh. "As good as you were on Sunday, I don't think you can help with this," he said, hesitating for a moment as he wondered what Karal would think of him after this. "The demon said he has some kind of plan for me, and that there are others like me that he's been watching too. He wasn't here for Grace at all, she was just some kind of...I don't know, bonus. Him being here, Dawn getting hurt, my mom dying - it was all because of me."

His heart went out to Sam, but he didn't let it show. "I see," he said slowly. "So it was you who summoned the demon, then, you who were controlling it?"

"No," Sam said quickly. "I didn't ask for him to be here. But if I wasn't here, he wouldn't have been either."

"If my master and I had not been in Valdemar, the assassin wouldn't have killed him. Wouldn't have attacked the other envoys, killing another. Does that mean he bears responsibility for those attacks?" he asked calmly, folding his hands, not letting any sign of the sharp stab of sorrow he felt at the mention of Ulrich. "For his own death?"

"Of course not," Sam said. "But this is different. I must have done something to make the demon want to watch me, don't you think?"

"No, I don't. Even if you had, unless you did so deliberately to attract his attention, you still would not bear any responsibility," Karal said sternly. "If it was your brother, your father, Dawn, who the demon was focussed on, would you blame them for it coming here? If it had injured you while seeking one of them, would you hold them responsible?"

Edited 2008-02-02 00:36 (UTC)

Sam was quiet for a moment, before shaking his head. "No, I wouldn't. But I can't stop feeling guilty."

"All creatures have free will, even demons. It is sheer arrogance to claim responsibility for the actions and choices of another. Be angry, be sad, frightened, furious. Be cautious and wary, plan and research. Even hate it, but you have no right to feel guilty." He folded his arms and sat back, hating that he was deliberately prodding Sam, but feeling it was necessary to make him think past this. "You bear no blame, and wallowing in guilt will only hurt those who love you."

"So, I either hurt them by feeling guilty, or I hurt them by not feeling guilty and not taking any of the blame for completely failing to protect them. That doesn't seem very fair," Sam said. "I am angry, and wary, and really, really scared. But how would you feel if you knew that everyone you cared about was in danger just because they were with you? Wouldn't you feel guilty if they got hurt?"

"Sam." Karal leaned forward, meeting his eyes. "I know you feel as if you need to atone for their hurts, but you can't. They do not need you to feel guilty. They don't want you to feel guilty. They love you, and it is their choice to stay with you."

"Guilt is destructive, it muddies everything. What they need is for you to grieve for what happened, with them or alone, accept that you could not have changed it." He sighed and looked at his hands. "And honestly, yes, likely I would. I'm human, the same as you, but I would try very hard not to, and I would admit," he hoped, oh how he hoped, "that my guilt was misplaced and try to work past it."

"Everyone keeps saying they don't want me to feel guilty. I just...I feel like I can't believe them. Like deep down, they'll get pissed if I'm not sorry enough," Sam said. "Is it enough to just be angry at the demon? I'm not letting anyone get hurt again because of me, I can promise that."

Oh, Sam. He couldn't help reaching forward to pat his hand, squeezing gently. "I know it's hard, but you can trust them, I promise," he said, voice absolutely certain. "It's enough to be angry. The demon deserves your anger, he's earned it, earned your hatred and rage. It was the demon who did this to you, to those you love, the demon's choice, the demon's actions. Be angry at the demon, but not at yourself."

"I can try," Sam said, staying quiet for just a second before looking up at Karal. "Do you think it's okay for me to still be scared too?"

"I'm terrified," Karal said bluntly. "I was terrified on Sunday, and I'll be terrified next time you need me. Fear is nothing to be ashamed of. It's absolutely okay."

Edited 2008-02-02 02:44 (UTC)

"You did really well for someone who was terrified," Sam said with a soft smile.

He looked down at his hands. "We do what needs to be done," he said quietly.

"You still did a great thing. I know my family will always be grateful," Sam said. "And I'm glad you talked to me. I really appreciate that."

"Thank you for letting me," he replied, shrugging off the rest. "I can't seem to help worrying. And you know where I am if you need to talk, or rant, or just somewhere to be quiet."

"I...thank you," Sam said. "Hopefully I won't need either of those last two things again any time soon."

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