fandomhigh | Interactive Religion [Tuesday, January 15]

Biff was in the Danger Room, which was set up as hot, dark, desert town, sipping on a huge mug of coffee as the class arrived.

"Though they've fallen out of favor now," Biff said, "at least on this world, the major religion that dominated my time was a polytheistic one. The Romans had gods -- and graven idols -- for everything. We Jews have just the one. Um, God, not graven idols. We didn't do well with graven idols. I was told by a Phoenician that we wouldn't worry so much if we had more than one god, but he also told me that he'd screwed a turtle, so I'm not really relying much on his spiritual guidance."

He leaned against a pillar. "Your task today isn't to decide if there is a god, or multiple gods, and it's certainly not to rant at me about whatever wrongs you feel religion has inflicted upon you."

He waved a hand towards several giant statues of Apollo. "Your job today is to circumcise that statue of Apollo before the Roman centurions catch you."

He grinned. "It's a religious experience. Really."

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"So what do you need me to do? I could create the diversion, maybe? Or I could totally tie the ribbon on." That prospect seemed kind of desirable, actually.

"Ooooh, you want the honors?" Rikku held out the ribbon. "I'd, uh, kinda feel ... weird about it. Um. Do you want me to ... do some distract-y stuff, and then you run in and tie it? I can hang back with the smoke bombs for cover? Or we just beat the crap out of everybody, but the other way sounds more fun."

"I agree. You do your awesomeness thing and just let me know when I should run in and tie on the ribbon." Andrew scratched his head. "Maybe we should come up with a signal or something, so I know when to go..."

"Hmm." Rikku considered. "What's a good signal? I can't really yell 'Hey, Andrew, go now' or that'll kill the point of the distraction."

Really Good Plans were not exactly her forte.

"I dunno," Andrew said. "Maybe you could like make some loud but unique noise. Or maybe I wait till I see smoke? Oh, or maybe you send me a telepathic signal. That would be pretty much impossible to detect."

"I don't know telepathy," Rikku said, making a face. "That sucks, that would've totally been useful. Do you think yelling's okay if it's not 'hey, go right now?' Cause I could yell something in Al Bhed."

"I think that would be fine," Andrew said. "Just whisper it in my ear and we're set."

Andrew, also not a gifted planner.

Rikku lowered her voice and leaned over. "Ku huf means go now, and if I see something wrong? I'll yell muug uid. That's look out. Is that good?"

"Ku huf and muug uid," Andrew replied. "Got it."

Rikku beamed. "Okay. We ready?" She was bouncing on her toes a little. Hey, plans were fun, okay?

"I mean," Andrew glanced about, "it's not like we can actually get hurt in here, right?"

"Of course not!" Rikku chirped. "Totally safe."

"Awesome!" Andrew exclaimed with a little hop. "Then let's teach these ancient warrior types a lesson!"

"You bet!" Rikku bounced, and then ran as far away from Andrew as possible, while still in shouting distance.

"Oh my gosh, this statue's naked!" she yelled. "Won't someone think of the children! I've never been so offended! I'm gonna burn this place down! For the children!"

Andrew waited till it looked like all the centurions were moving towards Rikku, then he took off.

Half way to the statue, he managed to trip up on his own feet and fall flat on the ground.

"Andrew!" Rikku gasped, clapping a hand over her mouth.

Oh. Uh.

"Andrew, my toddler son, is gonna see these naked statues and totally freak out!" she covered, gesturing in the opposite direction. "He's violent and crazy and ku huf!"

One of the centurions offered her a tissue.

"I didn't sneeze!" she said huffily.

Andrew picked himself up and glanced about quickly. It seemed as though the centurions hadn't yet noticed him. He ran as quickly as he could the rest of the way, but was barred at the last moment by two centurions that seemed to spring out of nowhere.

Don't panic. Don't panic.

"Oh, my god!" Andrew exclaimed. "That girl over there is freaking out because her son is missing!" He pointed towards Rikku, hoping they went for it.

They weren't moving.

"My son! He's ... gone! He was upset at all the nudity!"

Still weren't moving.

Rikku sighed. "The hell with it." And suckerpunched the nearest Centurion.

Andrew saw the punch and grimaced. "Holy cow! That woman just punched your friend!" he exclaimed.

One of the centurions took off. Andrew frowned at the other.

"Gosh, you're awfully cute," he said.

Was that smile he saw flicker across his face?

Punch here, kick there, and ... hey, she'd gotten one of the centurions away from Andrew. That was good, right?

The other was staying in place. And they looked like they were chatting. Uh. Maybe that could work? Maybe he was a bored Centurion who was sick of guarding an, uh, un-whatevered statued?

Too bad she hadn't taught Andrew the Al Bhed for "work it, woohoo!"

Andrew was really impressed by Rikku's moves. He fought the urge to cheer her on.

"So, Mr. Centurion," he continued. "Is that breastplate an accurate representation of your manly physique? Because I really just want to, um..."

He had to remind himself that this guy wasn't real.

"... lick you right about now."

That really got the centurion's attention. He smiled at Andrew and took a step away from the statue.

Interactive Religion [Tuesday, January 15]

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