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fandomhigh2007-07-30 07:27 am
bluth-illusions.livejournal.com) wrote in fandomhigh2007-07-30 07:27 am
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Sex Edder #4, Monday, Period 3
When the class had assembled, GOB grinned to them. "Welcome to class today. For those of you who missed it, last night was Three Minute Dates at Caritas and it was a huge success. Everyone who participated had fun and if they claim they didn't they're liars who have nothing better to do than lie," GOB bragged.
"Anyway, onto class, today we'll be talking about toys. Not action figures and board games. Sex toys. And not the ones you buy in adult stores. Those are overpriced and not nearly as much fun what we're going to talk about. No, today we're talking about sex toys you can find around the house in a little lesson I like to call 'Sex Toys: The Do It Yourself Way, But I Don't Mean It Like That, But They Could Be Used Like That.' Think of this as the best arts and crafts lesson you'll ever have."
"The first thing you should realize about homemade solutions to your sex toy problem is that if you can stick it in someplace that you wouldn't normally think of putting it without hurting yourself, you have yourself a potential sex toy. Long vegetables work great for that as long as they're washed. I mean, you don't want to catch potato famine, right?" That was wrong in many ways.
"Those skinny plastic dolls little girls play with work well because they also have that creepy fabric hair that works as a different surface for something that feels a little different. They're also great because not only does it really go with the name 'sex toy,' it also goes well with the naughty schoolgirl if that's you're kind of kink. Kitchen utensils are another classic that lets you use bad jokes about 'serving,' just like tennis rackets, actually. I once saw a woman do things with a spatula that I'll never forget no matter how much I drink to forget it."
"When it comes to the kind of homemade sex toy that you stick up somewhere, you want to make sure of two things: first, make sure you can get it out easily. Pretty much the last thing you want to go to the hospital for is having a telephone inside you. Second, make sure it's not something that will break. I've heard about people who've stuck lightbulbs up their butts - and we'll be making fun of people like that in a couple weeks - and that's something that's not only going to get stuck, but if you sit down the wrong way? You're going to be bleeding a lot from your ass. And that's the only worse thing to go to the hospital with, a bleeding ass and glass up there tthat needs to be removed. I think that's what happened to the new principal and she still hasn't gone to the emergency room." GOB had some issues with Umbridge from the bar the other night. He was also not a smart man and didn't realize that saying that kind of thing was possibly a bad idea.
"If you're not big on shoving a remote control inside yourself just because it fits, remember, a lot of things in and around your house vibrate. The classic is the washing machine. Start it up, hop on, and ladies, you probably won't need a man for a week. Maybe two. Cell phones set to vibrate, vibrating videogame controllers... If it vibrates, it can be used for some stimulation."
"So, for today's activity, think of something you can find around the house and use in sex that wasn't made for sex. I'll be taking a nap. Yesterday was way too busy."
[OOC: Class was going to be about something completely different today but the lecture just wasn't working. And so I came up with this at the last minute. I honestly don't know.]
"Anyway, onto class, today we'll be talking about toys. Not action figures and board games. Sex toys. And not the ones you buy in adult stores. Those are overpriced and not nearly as much fun what we're going to talk about. No, today we're talking about sex toys you can find around the house in a little lesson I like to call 'Sex Toys: The Do It Yourself Way, But I Don't Mean It Like That, But They Could Be Used Like That.' Think of this as the best arts and crafts lesson you'll ever have."
"The first thing you should realize about homemade solutions to your sex toy problem is that if you can stick it in someplace that you wouldn't normally think of putting it without hurting yourself, you have yourself a potential sex toy. Long vegetables work great for that as long as they're washed. I mean, you don't want to catch potato famine, right?" That was wrong in many ways.
"Those skinny plastic dolls little girls play with work well because they also have that creepy fabric hair that works as a different surface for something that feels a little different. They're also great because not only does it really go with the name 'sex toy,' it also goes well with the naughty schoolgirl if that's you're kind of kink. Kitchen utensils are another classic that lets you use bad jokes about 'serving,' just like tennis rackets, actually. I once saw a woman do things with a spatula that I'll never forget no matter how much I drink to forget it."
"When it comes to the kind of homemade sex toy that you stick up somewhere, you want to make sure of two things: first, make sure you can get it out easily. Pretty much the last thing you want to go to the hospital for is having a telephone inside you. Second, make sure it's not something that will break. I've heard about people who've stuck lightbulbs up their butts - and we'll be making fun of people like that in a couple weeks - and that's something that's not only going to get stuck, but if you sit down the wrong way? You're going to be bleeding a lot from your ass. And that's the only worse thing to go to the hospital with, a bleeding ass and glass up there tthat needs to be removed. I think that's what happened to the new principal and she still hasn't gone to the emergency room." GOB had some issues with Umbridge from the bar the other night. He was also not a smart man and didn't realize that saying that kind of thing was possibly a bad idea.
"If you're not big on shoving a remote control inside yourself just because it fits, remember, a lot of things in and around your house vibrate. The classic is the washing machine. Start it up, hop on, and ladies, you probably won't need a man for a week. Maybe two. Cell phones set to vibrate, vibrating videogame controllers... If it vibrates, it can be used for some stimulation."
"So, for today's activity, think of something you can find around the house and use in sex that wasn't made for sex. I'll be taking a nap. Yesterday was way too busy."
[OOC: Class was going to be about something completely different today but the lecture just wasn't working. And so I came up with this at the last minute. I honestly don't know.]
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