fandomhigh | Tuesday, May 15th - Period 3 - Advanced Beginner's Guide to Carrots, Spleenology, and so on

This class was not actually located at the large campfire, as the teachers had decided that the campfires had demon spirits within them and thus were planted by the truckers union to watch them. You couldn't be too careful with truckers' union demons. And the teachers weren't entirely sure if they counted as vampires anyway.

So instead students would be reporting to the lovely Activities Area, which looked suspiciously like the Dining Hall. Chairs were lined up neatly in rows, and there was a bulletin board with helpful information. Okay, the bulletin board actually had coupons on it for Dinty Moore soup, but coupons are helpful.

Just before class was about to begin, two men wearing housecoats over flannel pajamas entered the room. One of them had a blonde wig (price tag still attached) and red lipstick smeared oddly around his face, and the other had a darker wig and at least three days' worth of stubble. If any students were hoping that these were not going to be their instructors, they ~~shouldn't have signed up for a class with such a stupid name~~ were going to be greatly disappointed.

"WELCOME!" shouted one of the men. It didn't matter which. It really didn't.

"Welcome to our wooooorkshop!"

"It does not have any dangerous chemicals!"

"Not many at all."

"We have not arranged for any to be delivered today!"

"My name is Jerry Sizzler," said one, gesturing to the complete opposite direction from where the other stood, "and this is my sister --"

"-- Jerry SIZZler," he supplied.

"We are, of course, your instructors --"

"And not two clearly insane people."

"Right, right. And His Majesty the Grand Archduke of Findleyburg will be our assistant."

"We bribed him with an antique Persian vase!" Which wasn't true. They had bribed the TA with 32 cents in change, which they thought were rare Turkish coins.

"This class will have domestic tips for the modern lady --"

"-- As well as sexual education for the elderly --"

"-- And some notes on how to improve your golf game."

Both of them nodded.

"Now! For our first class! We should like each of you to introduce yourselves and explain how it is that you came to Greenland."

"West Greenland."

"West Fandom, Mexiland!"

"Yes, yes. And then we shall get to the educational portion of things."

[~~Wait for OCD~~ OCD up! If you're unfamiliar with the Jerries, this infopost might help, but really, all you need to know is that they're insane.]

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Collapse and gasp out your name as you fall, Jerry!

It isn't just a game any more. Stare at the crazyflakes and weep for your future.

Who are you? How are you here? Also, if you want to poke the crazies, have at it.

Once everyone had introduced themselves and been properly traumatized by the Jerries, newspapers and magic markers were handed around.

"Now," said one Jerry. "You may not know it, but the Bolivian Mafia is tracking everything you do with their satellites, robot monkeys, and most importantly, with your own publications."

"It's true!" chirped the other. "I have seen it with my own eyes!"

"So for this class, we will teach you how to discover which kind of robot monkey is following you."

"So that you can properly set out traps and destroy it!"

"Or bribe it into working for you."

"Never underestimate the power of your own trained Bolivian robot monkey," said one Jerry helpfully.

The Jerries demonstrated how to pull out a two-page spread from the periodical you received and begin circling the words which had been implanted with secret tracking USB serial ports. "You will know!" one shouted. "The words will call to you."

Once you had done this with your (fruit-scented) marker, you could connect the dots to find the shape of your tracker. The Jerries connected their own dots (badly) and were left with a jagged scribble. "You see? It is clear! We should be on the watch for a baby elephant!"

The other applauded. "Brilliant, Jerry!"

"Now! Break into pairs! Do so immediately! Do it or DIIIIIIIIE!"

(OOC: pair up. The periodicals include Weekly World News, Cat Fancy, The Wall Street Journal, Cosmopolitan, McCalls (a catalogue for dress patterns), International Journal of Pet Stylists, Log Walkers Monthly, Bald and Loving It, Grass Growers Daily, Ship In Bottles (year-end edition with pull-out poster), Speculative Grammarian, Paint Drying Monthly (complete with samples) and an old issue of the Fandom Hightimes.)

Not everyone can say they have His Majesty the Grand Archduke of Findleyburg working for them. Wait for Hamlet to ping in and then pester away.

Why would you want to? Do you enjoy pain? Probably. Me too.

Thanks to

mparkerceo,

krycek_rat,

bridge_carson and

importantman for helping with cracktastic periodical names. ♥

Warren Cheswick

"This town is insane."

Yeah, it definitely counted as a mantra, now.

Valentine

...
"Oh. Those are Sizzler and Sizzler."
Valentine was possibly slightly worried.

Warren hated introductions. "Um, hi, I'm Warren. Cheswick. I'm from Stuckeyville, Ohio and, well, I've never been to Greenland, but I guess I'd get there on a plane?"

Warren grabbed a grape scented marker and a copy of Speculative Grammarian and looked around for someone ~~hot~~ to partner up with.

"Never underestimate the power of your own trained Bolivian robot monkey,"

*giggles as insanely as the Jerries*

Valentine cleared his throat and glanced at the teachers before he started.
"While our instructors here might know me as 'Zorro, Witch of Destruction and Stealer of Invisible Squid,' the rest of you can call me 'Valentine,' if you please." He straightened out his jacket and smirked. "It's easier to pronounce."

Valentine reached for a copy of Log Walkers Monthly, sat down with it, and stared as he waited for a partner.
He decided that he'd probably just circle every instance of the word 'lumberjack' that he came across. It seemed evil enough, but he would have to get his partner to concur.

"Hello, Cheswick," said one Jerry.

"Welcome to Mexigreenland."

"We are very glad that you have a plane."

"Yes! You must take us all for a ride on your plane."

"We have no plane of our own."

"We have donkeys."

"You cannot have our donkeys!"

"The donkeys drowned," said one Jerry sadly.

Liz Sherman

"Welcome, Zorro," said one Jerry. He didn't remember it, he just randomly picked it from Valentine's word salad. (Not that Valentine's speech was word salad, but everything other people said was word salad to the Jerries. Mmmm. Word salad.)

"We are so very glad to have you here."

"We hope that you will share with us all your elite kung-fu fighting moves."

"Zorro, the destroyer of worlds!"

"Zorro, the fencer of evil!"

"Zorro, the manager of taco chains!"

"It is an honor."

Both men bowed.

WE CONTEST THAT, JERRY! OUR GIGGLING IS VERY MAD INDEED. BUT QUITE POSSIBLY YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ARE OFTEN LEFT INSTEAD. LEFT BEHIND, LEFT ALONE, LEFT OUT IN THE RAIN. JUST LIKE THE CAKE.

NOW WE ARE HUNGRY.

Liz was suddenly feeling a whole lot better about herself.

"This town is--" Wait, no, these guys actually kind of reminded him of Phil, Kenny, and Shirley.

"Shave my poodle," he said sagely.

"I'm Liz Sherman," Liz said, "um...I've never actually been to Greenland before,"

It was insane at best...
But it was flattering.
"Perhaps I'll teach you the mysterious art of juggling someday." Which would no doubt be chaotic, but at least it was something.

"We have no poodles, Jerry," said one thoughtfully.

"Shave them! That is what we must do!"

"Yes! That will be our next service available! Poodle-shavings for all!"

"That shall be our next class!"

"We shall give you half of the royalties, Mr. Khrushchev."

Both bowed solemnly.

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Tuesday, May 15th - Period 3 - Advanced Beginner's Guide to Carrots, Spleenology, and so on

SIGN IN!

Boggle!

Introduce Yourself

The Educational Bits (No, Really)

Our Illustrious TA

After Class: Talk to The Jerries

OOC

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