fandomhigh | School Assembly, Friday afternoon, The Auditorium

Entry tags:

!event: assembly

School Assembly, Friday afternoon, The Auditorium

Before the assembly, The Tick used the same mysterious process that chooses students for the detention lottery for another purpose.

He had written a play. Destiny told him that all the world was a stage and he was but a player, meaning that he was playing the part of someone that got people to play parts that he created. It was very meta.

Anyway, the curtains opened to start the assembly. It was time for The Tick's first play: A Time for Bagpipes.

[OOC: Cast, please handwave getting roped into this as a result of the announcements this morning. It may be a good idea to look at the plottery post to see what I told different people just so you can be better prepared.

Again, I'm very sorry about the last minuteness and the general WTFery of this. Feel free to go nuts, though. This is a play by The Tick that you had at best a couple hours to look over. Things need not make sense have fun. And thank you for volunteering and attempting to make this work!

Oh, and people in the later acts, don't feel obliged to wait for people in earlier acts. Jump in whenever.]

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John didn't listen. He rarely listened to his wife. He swung the shovel around wildly until it slipped out of his hands and smacked him in the back of his head which, in turn, sent him stumbling into the tractor, head on the floor of the tractor and feet in the air.

Dawn? Grabbed the shovel. "Oh, hey, da. You okay?" She nudged him with her booted foot.

"Husband!" Katara wailed, throwing herself at him. "Are you okay? Are you alive? Did you die! Don't leave me a widow with 16 children! I love you, Husband!"

It hadn't hurt that much. Well, okay, it had but it was all...the cow's fault. Or something.

He climbed out of the tractor, rubbing his head and said, "Fear not, dearest wife. I am all right. And I doth love you too."

Yes, he really said it like that.

"Oh, thank you, my beloved husband for surely mine heart did drop at the thought that you might be deceased like a dodo," Katara replied, hand to her head.

And yes, she also really said it like that.

Dawn facepalmed. It was anyone's guess whether it was a break in character or not. "No more siblings! You promised!"

"Why dost thou not want another child, dearest daughter?" John asked, one hand to his chest and swooning dramatically. "Surely the bagpipes are not as important as future generations of...Scooterinas!"

"Okay, first? Ew, and that's illegal, I think," Dawn said, then remembered her role and clutched the shovel to her chest proudly, sticking her chin in the air in melodramatic fashion, "There is nothing more important to me than the bagpipes, do you hear me? Nothing!"

Katara thwapped John upside the head. "Are you leaving me for a younger woman, you dirty old man? After everything we've been through?"

She glared at Dawn. "Your family is always more important! After everything we've given up for you and your 15 brothers and sisters? I could have been a SUPERSTAR! I coulda been a contenda!"

John made a sound after getting thwapped and glared at his wife. "You were only a hot dog eating champion, wife. That's not a contenda!"

"I WAS GOING TO MOVE ONTO PIES!"

"That would've gone straight to your hips!" John exclaimed. "Or your backside!"

Katara glared and thwapped him again even harder. "What do you care? You're leaving me for a younger woman?"

"I'm your daughter!" Dawn tried to look disgusted and not start laughing hysterically at her parents, "and I will never marry anyone, as I am too devoted to the solitary work of the bagpipes."

Mostly because no one wanted to come near the place while she was fixing them.

"I am not leaving you, woman," John said, agreeing with their daughter. "Even though you snore at night and you've told me you don't like your dearest daughter because of her bagpipe obsession."

Katara gasped, hand flying to her mouth. "I told you that in secret, husband! And I don't snore! I stayed awake all one night to find out after you accused me 30 years ago."

"Daughter, I'm sorry I had to break this terrible news to you," John said, turning to Dawn. "But don't worry daughter. Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on. Once more you open the door. And you're here in my heart."

He tapped his heart in the most poignant gesture he could muster.

"And my heart will go on and on," Dawn promised, wondering exactly where Dean Tick had gotten the inspiration, "but my destiny is not with you. Nor is it with the mother who does not understand or appreciate my vision! A world--full of bagpipes!"

Dawn was going a wee little bit mad scientist, yes.

Katara stared then turned to John. "Husband! I told you! We must stop our daughter in this devious plot to rule the world through the evil sounds of bagpipes. How can we be responsible for the death of all music and hearing? Perhaps if we had only been able to feed her more than grass as a child."

Katara sniffled and held her hands over her heart. "Perhaps then, she would have turned out...normal."

"Well, you sold our cow and refused to...give milk the other way," John said, "and I certainly can't give milk that way so grass was the only other way!"

John shook his head sadly.

"What? It's all my fault?" Katara screeched. "Typical man! Can't feed his family and blames his hard-working wife! When was I supposed to give milk? WHen I was pregnant with your SIXTEEN children?"

She turned to Dawn. "It's not your fault, my beloved daughter. I know you can't help your abnormal fixation. We can blame your father."

"My fixation is not abnormal, mama. You just lack insight and vision. Perhaps because all your time was spent conceiving and bearing children," Dawn shook her head sadly, "and yes, I believe that is true, about my father. He is my father, is he not? I have questions about Horace, Billy Joe James, and Elmer's father. Their red hair is...uncommon."

"I lack vision?" Katara said heatedly. "I'll have you know I was the County Wide Hotdog Eating Champion for three years running! That takes vision and discipline and TALENT, young woman." She glanced at John. "And when you're all grown up, I'll tell you what happens when a man can't provide his wife with all she needs."

John stepped closer to Dawn and whispered LOUDLY, "It also takes many cans of Beano. Man, your mom got such bad gas after her competitions."

"Worse than it is usually?" Dawn whispered LOUDLY back.

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