fandomhigh | School Assembly, Friday afternoon, The Auditorium

Before the assembly, The Tick used the same mysterious process that chooses students for the detention lottery for another purpose.

He had written a play. Destiny told him that all the world was a stage and he was but a player, meaning that he was playing the part of someone that got people to play parts that he created. It was very meta.

Anyway, the curtains opened to start the assembly. It was time for The Tick's first play: A Time for Bagpipes.

[OOC: Cast, please handwave getting roped into this as a result of the announcements this morning. It may be a good idea to look at the plottery post to see what I told different people just so you can be better prepared.

Again, I'm very sorry about the last minuteness and the general WTFery of this. Feel free to go nuts, though. This is a play by The Tick that you had at best a couple hours to look over. Things need not make sense have fun. And thank you for volunteering and attempting to make this work!

Oh, and people in the later acts, don't feel obliged to wait for people in earlier acts. Jump in whenever.]

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"Well, you sold our cow and refused to...give milk the other way," John said, "and I certainly can't give milk that way so grass was the only other way!"

John shook his head sadly.

"What? It's all my fault?" Katara screeched. "Typical man! Can't feed his family and blames his hard-working wife! When was I supposed to give milk? WHen I was pregnant with your SIXTEEN children?"

She turned to Dawn. "It's not your fault, my beloved daughter. I know you can't help your abnormal fixation. We can blame your father."

"My fixation is not abnormal, mama. You just lack insight and vision. Perhaps because all your time was spent conceiving and bearing children," Dawn shook her head sadly, "and yes, I believe that is true, about my father. He is my father, is he not? I have questions about Horace, Billy Joe James, and Elmer's father. Their red hair is...uncommon."

"I lack vision?" Katara said heatedly. "I'll have you know I was the County Wide Hotdog Eating Champion for three years running! That takes vision and discipline and TALENT, young woman." She glanced at John. "And when you're all grown up, I'll tell you what happens when a man can't provide his wife with all she needs."

John stepped closer to Dawn and whispered LOUDLY, "It also takes many cans of Beano. Man, your mom got such bad gas after her competitions."

"Worse than it is usually?" Dawn whispered LOUDLY back.

"No, her advanced age has made the smell more potent," John whispered back LOUDLY.

"At least I've done more with my life than fall asleep on a tractor and read cow porn!" Katara said, automatically reaching for her waterskin. Not that Wilma Lou could waterbend, but...habit.

"I just read the articles in that magazine!"

"Then why are the pictures of all those ripe heifers ripped out and stashed under the mattress where you think I won't look?" she asked.

"Because I yearn for milk!" John exclaimed. "They have what I can't have. I have a milk addiction! And you've never supported me! And you have a hammer toe!"

"Your milk addiction has forced us into a life of shame and poverty," Dawn sniffled melodramatically. "No wonder I can never bring friends home."

"You never allowed me to milk your cow!" Katara pointed out.

"You would've chafed my cow!"

"I can be gentle!"

"Gentle as a giant with noxious gas!" John responded. "You have hands of bricks. I FAKED IT SIXTEEN TIMES!"

Katara stared. And then burst into tears.

"YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME!"

Dawn glared at John, then went to go pat Katara on the shoulder. "I'm sure he loves you, mama, but he doesn't know what he's saying. The evil demon milk has him in its grasp and won't let go."

"Your mother used to be a man!" That was a complete lie but he didn't like to lose.

Katara wrenched the shovel away from Dawn and ran towards John, swinging it as she went. "Husband! I have tolerated your lies and your milky porn addiction long enough!"

John yelped and took off running. Calling out over his shoulder, he said, "I knew I should've given you more children! You're always nice and gentle when you're pregnant!"

"How do you know I'm not pregnant now?" Katara asked, swinging the shovel more fiercely.

"Because we've not done the deed in nearly a month!" John said. "I'm good but not that good. And my boys can't fly."

Katara stopped to count on her fingers. "Twenty-six days. Ever since we sold that damn cow."

"Oh, you promised!" Dawn whined and pouted, because she was very method that way, yes. "No more! It would have been cheaper to keep the cow."

Re: Act III [Cast]

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