fandomhigh | World Religions, Wednesday, 2nd Period

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World Religions, Wednesday, 2nd Period

Sitting behind the desk at the front of the room, cowboy boots propped on its surface, is a scruffy looking man with shaggy dark hair, a goodly five o’clock shadow, jeans, a black shirt with silver collar tabs, an eyepatch over his left eye, and most importantly, a minister’s collar. He laconically watches the students file in and sit down before dropping his feet off the desk and standing up with a clipboard in hand.

“Mornin’. I’m Jesse Custer. You can call me Jesse or Reverend or Reverend Custer, but I’ve been through too many ass whoopins and too much grief to be ‘Mister.’ Remember that and we’ll be right as rain.”

He gives the clipboard to the person sitting closest to him and walks slowly around the class, looking down at each student in turn, making eye contact, taking their measure, and continuing onward.

“Religion. It’s what raises us up, and it’s sure as shit what casts us down. We sing God’s praises. We dedicate our lives to our deity’s services. We kill, torture, and destroy in His name." He smiled and amended, "Or Her name, or their names.

“We’re here to learn about your religions, and also to learn about those you aren’t familiar with. Just ‘cause I’m wearing this collar, don’t expect I’m gonna try to get y’all to convert, because my God’s a bastard and you’re better off without him.

“Today I want two things from you. When you sign in, include your religion, if you have one. If you don’t, just write none. If you’re an atheist, that’s a form of faith in my book, include it.

“Second, I want you to create your own religion. Get together with a friend or two and share your created religion. Try to convince your friend that your religion is the best way to do things. I’ll be watchin’ all of y’all, so you don’t need to worry about writing me reports for this one."

Syllabus

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"We provide a brotherhood among it's members which is uplifting and edifying. There is also communal worship at the throne." Blair said with a straight face.

"So you religion involves idolatry," Chad commented in thoughtful observance.

"As only the good religions do." Blair bounced. "Plus there are lots of babes...uh...I mean temple babes."

"Are there?" Chad quirked an eyebrow. "I was just going to say, mine offers virgins. Who needs a brotherhood when they can have virgins?"

"Whatever." Blair waved his hand and tried hard not to blush. "Virgins are overrated. My temple babes are experienced, hot and easy."

"Where's the spiritual connection in that?" Chad asked, perhaps a little sincerely. "Experienced, hot, and easy tend to be the same ride for everyone, but, with a virgin, you're garaunteed something that will have significance."

Wait, weren't they supposed to be talking about religion, not sex? "That's what my religion stands for. Spiritual experiences through sex. Like Tantra."

Although Chad had never studied Tantra, so he didn't know if that was entirely how it worked.

Blair lost his battle on not blushing and turned a bright red.

"Uh...that's great man. But what about people who don't have s-s-sex?"

It was a good question that Chad hadn't considered, and he took a moment to do just that. He seemed pretty oblivious to the blushing; there was B.S. to be had. It took all of his concentration.

"Well, they are counted as an important and valuable asset. We can claim we have virgins all we want, but it's useless unless we actually have some."

"So the people who don't have sex are gonna be used for the virgin sexing later?" Blair flailed.

Jesse? Totally trying not to crack up from where he was listening in on the students' discussions.

Flailing was a little harder not to notice. While it inspired a certain seed of cruelty in him to continue on and explain that the gods demand blood anyway, so they figured this would be a much more fun way to get it than killing, Chad couldn't bring himself to cause that much discomfort in someone else. So he simply nodded and said, "Yes. Unless they really didn't want to, but, if that were the case, I'd wonder what they were doing in a religion based on sex in the first place."

"I think Church of the Fraternity is a better choice. Less with the virgin sexing and more with the pizza parties." Blair said faintly. "Everybody loves a pizza party."

And Chad had moral issues with someone who didn't love a virgin sexing. But he wasn't going to say anything. "My religion..." The only title he could think of at the moment was the Church of Virgin Sexing, so he waited until his mind could grasp something a bit more lyrical before he settled on anything "...serves organic food, grown and harvested by non-sexing virgins, which is better for you than pizza. Which is why its better. You ever heard of extra virgin olive oil? Comes from us."

Blair was tempted by the organic food. "Pizza has all the food groups in one easy quick meal. Leaves us more time for worshipping."

Chad frowned thoughtfully, tapped a finger on his desk a bit. That was a good one, and required a bit more mind bending than the other ones had. Hmmm...

Finally, he had something. After all, his religion was supposedly one that celebrated in sex, so, therefor, celebrated in the human body. "You can praise a god all you want, but does it mean anything if you fail to maintain an appriciation for the gifts he's given you? Too much pizza makes you unhealthy. Gods don't want unhealthy worshippers; it reflects badly on them."

But all this talk of pizza was reminding Chad that he hadn't had breakfast.

Blair was ready for this attack and grinned, bouncing a little. "Which...is why we have so many parties. The dancing at the parties offset the negative effects of too much pizza eating."

That last bounce might have turned into something of a victory dance.

...Well, damn. That was a pretty good arguement. Chad stewed on it for a bit, unable to come up with a counter. "The dancing is," he asked, turning a thoughtful look toward Blair, "I'm guessing, worship rites as well?"

"The conga line is, the rest of it is just in celebration." Blair said with a grin. "But the conga is ceremonial."

Chad nodded. Of course. What else would the conga be but ceremonial? "And how does your religion feel about..." there was a dramatic pause..."the tango?" And, yes, he said it with a particular flourish in his accent, but not too much. It was a big emphasis for him, though.

Blair leaned forward and whispered in a mock accent. "It is forbidden."

Also leaning in, Chad lifted his chin, in what was a dramatic look of repulsion for him. "Blasphemy," he growled, straightening back up. "Almost converted me, Blair. But I'm sticking with my virgins."

"So close!" Blair said dramatically. "What's the name of your religion anyways?"

Chad paused. Nope. Still had nothing. He lifted his shoulders a little, mumbled a bit more than usual. "The Church of Virgin Sexing."

And then promptly straightened and added a machismo, "Of course." As if he'd loved the name all along.

Blair blushed, laughed and blushed some more. "Truth in advertising, man. That's always important.

Chad held up his hand. "No surprises here, man."

World Religions, Wednesday, 2nd Period

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