fandomhigh | Practical Folklore, Monday 2nd period

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folklore and fact

Practical Folklore, Monday 2nd period

When the students arrived today, they would notice their instructor looked a bit more professional and stiff than usual, and was dressed in a neat, obsessively ironed suit. Which was entirely to hide his nerves due to the other person they'd find at the front of the class.

Said other person, one Liliana Vess, was, of course, dressed in her usual attire, a long purple gown made of subtly lustrous silk. At her right hip was a small veil made of burnished chain links that gleamed in the light and her raven hair was caught back away from her face by a gold headdress. Even though the hour was truly inhospitable, she looked positively delighted to be present.

Jon cleared his throat. "Good morning. Today we'll be covering zombies, which as I mentioned might technically be a sort of golem, but we'll be considering them differently. So I've brought in, um. An expert. Miss Liliana Vess." He gestured awkwardly at her. "She...well, works with zombies." That was one way to put it.

"By which he means, I am a necromancer," Liliana said smoothly. "That is, a mage specializing in death magic, including - and, some would say - especially in the creation of undead."

"Right. So I thought she could tell us all a bit more about what zombies are and how to deal with them if you happen across one."

"First, I do need to clarify a few assumptions here," Liliana said, perching on the front of Jon's desk. "Zombies are not a monolith." The corner of her mouth curled up at that. "There are multiple types of zombies, and different planes have their own unique, mmm, let's call it flavor, shall we?" Another quick smile - this was some necromancer humor for you, class, you're welcome. "The most common kind of zombie is what is known as a ghoul or a revenant: a corpse animated by magic with little to no connection with the soul of the deceased. It is the equivalent of an abandoned house with the lights turned on."

"Or...well, presumably one could be animated by science, I suppose," Jon added. "But yes, a corpse without a mind, traditionally."

Liliana made a moue of distaste. "Yes, technically the zombies returned via 'science' count as such. These are called skaabs, and their creators are called skaberen or, more colloquially, Stitchers. Skaabs are created by stitching together corpses and attaching binding plates to key locations, keeping the body's donors from ripping themselves apart when called back to life. The body's blood is then replaced by viscus vitae, and finally, the vox quietus is chanted to awaken the creature. While ghouls burn at the same rate as living flesh — not quickly — skaabs are notoriously flammable. So if you're up against a zombie that looks like it was a ragdoll in its previous life, throw some fire at it and watch it go up like it was dipped in paraffin."

"Though, um. Not...well, some beings that look like that...well, I've met one that was still alive. Not that fire wouldn't work against them, too, but...well, I suppose fire is good against most things, really. Except...well, never mind." He trailed off awkwardly.

"As previously mentioned, normal ghouls - that is, ghouls created by necromancers who are more than just failed scientists with egos that far outstretch their capabilities - they burn only as fast as flesh generally does, which is moderately slowly. You can set a ghoul on fire, but even a desiccated one won't burn particularly quickly and that's really only of use to you if you're using it as a mobile torch to set other things ablaze, like the inside of your enemy's fortress or the like. It's not even particularly useful to use to set other ghouls on fire, unless they're forced to stand still because it takes so long to catch and odds are good one or the other will wander off or fall over and put out the flames or something else equally unhelpful. I suppose it's fine if the zombies are on the other side of a great stone wall - and moreso if you have something like oil to pour over them first - but if you're not separated by something large and fireproof and looking at a timeframe similar to siege warfare, fire is a terrible weapon against ghouls, and the fresher they are, the worse a weapon it is." Maybe don't question why Liliana sounds like she's speaking from experience or whatever. She's a necromancer, of course she knows this stuff, don't worry about it.

Sorry, Liliana, you kind of lost Jon after talking about flesh burning. He was trying to surreptitiously knead his burn-scarred hand and not get too much attention.

"But...but let's assume we're not in wartime conditions for now," he said desperately. "Because hopefully that won't happen, or someone else will know what to do." Because that had worked so well for him in the past.

She gave him a tart look at that, because when did 'hopefully that won't happen' ever work? "Quite," she drawled a full beat later. Some Pollyanna magical thinking nonsense was what that was.

Look, it was a school class! He didn't want to unduly traumatize any of the students! Besides, it wasn't a class on siege warfare.

"Now, when left to their own devices, the brainless ghouls as mentioned above are generally - please know that I'm always speaking in generalities, darlings, there are always exceptions - good for four things: killing one's enemies, devouring the flesh of the living, passing along diseases, and, in the case of infectious zombies, creating more of themselves. When I say infectious, I do mean the type that can cause reanimation in creatures that they bite. Pretty much all zombies are infectious the other way. The human mouth is disgusting even when we're alive, and only moreso once you start introducing filth and rot into the mix."

Somewhere, Kathy was having just the worst chills.

"Erm...so probably best not to be bitten by one." Look, this was Practical Folklore! "I'd like to know if there's a way to tell the infectious sort from the others, though."

"Wait a little while after a bitten victim has died," Liliana said. "The timeframe for that does vary, however. If the zombies have been raised because of an immediate fight the necromancer is in, the body will raise almost immediately to continue fighting, though on the necromancer's side. If it isn't part of an immediate battle defense, then it can take up to several days for the first victims to rise."

Did that help, Jon?

No. No, it did not! "So, um. Again. Try not to be bitten. Which I feel is good advice in general, really. And I suppose try not to get on the wrong side of a necromancer." Which he hopefully was managing, but he knew his track record at not pissing off powerful people. "If you could tell us any other tips for dealing with them, that would be useful."

Liliana gave a small, catlike smile. That's right. Don't piss off necromancers was an excellent lesson. Write that one down, folks. "Again, assuming you're fighting ghouls and not liches, which are ensouled zombies, or ghouls that are being puppeted by their necromancer's wills, your best bet is to run. Most zombies are very slow. If possible, run as part of a group and don't be the slowest person in that group." Or, if you were, be comfortable throwing elbows or knees, but she was pretty sure that everyone in this class was old enough to have figured that out for themselves. "If running is not an option, blunt weapons are best. Zombies cannot bleed and do not feel pain. Your best option is to do enough damage to incapacitate them, which is most easily done by crushing bones. Hard to chase if a kneecap is pulverized, easier to break a grip if the ulna and radius are dust. Sharp weapons that can remove limbs are helpful, but only if you have the strength to cleanly remove them. Otherwise, you're more likely to get the weapon lodged in bone or rotting flesh and then you're struggling to get your weapon back while the zombie's friends are surrounding you. Sharp weapons and a working knowledge of anatomy can help, if you know what tendons and ligaments prevent moving or grabbing. To be clear, though, I mean that it will help your friends. You'll likely be devoured pulling off fancy maneuvers like that, but your friends will hopefully live long enough to say pretty thank yous at your funeral." Beat. "Or to your wandering corpse, if infection is in play."

"Um." Sorry, Jon was a bit speechless for a moment. Because that was all very fascinating, but also rather disturbing, and he wasn't sure whether he should fawn over Liliana or regret ever asking her here.

He wanted useful information! She was providing useful information! She could have woven fairy tales for the students, but here she was, giving them true and vital information. Liliana was a helper.

"Let me offer a few last strategic thoughts: first and foremost, don't let yourself get surrounded and overwhelmed. Zombies are slow, but their strength is in numbers - save when their strength is in strength, but I don't think we have time for me to get into anything more than the basic ghoul types, so hopefully none of you run into a Helldozer out in the wild - and even the strongest and most tireless fighter can't fight off an entire horde by themself. Second, zombies aren't like humans - they don't have morale, they don't get afraid, they don't get tired. They are persistence predators and they will not stop until you or their necromancer is dead. Which is the last bit of advice I have for you - if you cannot outrun the zombies and there are too many to safely fight, your best bet is to go after their controlling necromancer and hope that they were raised quickly and will die with their master. Some necromancers do raise zombies specifically to go feral after their deaths, but that's just a risk you're going to have to take." She smiled at the assembled students.

"Any questions?"

Jon had a number of them, but he wasn't sure he wanted to get into liches and puppeted zombies after all that. Or Helldozers. So he just smiled as best he could and looked attentive.